Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Nothing but lies.... (wife posting)

  My emotions are pretty over the top right now. I am trying so hard to just accomplish normal daily things, getting up, taking a shower, taking care of my kids, picking up the house, carpool, kids sports, Church, etc, etc... These "normal" things are not going so well for me. I really can't believe my husband and I are in this horrible place. I personally feel so much shame for the place our life is in.  I know that it is in no way my fault and I know that I have been doing everything I am capable of these past ten years to help him. I really don't know how to feel right now, I guess I am still in so much shock that the person I love so much, my partner in life, my husband and eternal companion could lie to me like this AGAIN! I feel foolish and stupid for believing him that he was in recovery.  I feel confused and sad. I am so angry but I would say that the worst pain I feel right now is this incredible, overpowering sadness. Someday's the sadness just swallows me up and I just can't function.

  I really doubted if I wanted to ever write on this blog again, after all my husband is a giant hypocrite and a liar, I am still in utter shock that he would go to the lengths he did to hide his addiction, that he would "fake" recovery. I am so embarrassed to even admit that he faked recovery, that he lied right here on this blog. Admitting this and continuing this blog is one of the hardest, most venerable things I have done. BUT as I have contemplated if I should delete the blog, never write on it again, or continue, I have thought that how can I help anyone if I am not honest about where things are really at with my husband and I. Would it really help anyone for them to read these old blog posts and not know the true depths and deception to which this addiction can really go. If we aren't totally honest about what road this addiction can lead you down how do we warn anyone of the real dangers? So it is with much pain, resentment, sadness, and faith that I will continue to tell our story. If I can help even one person to avoid or recovery from a pornography addiction (or any addiction) then it will be worth sharing the deepest, most destructive pain I have experienced in this life.

  My husband and I are currently attending the life star addiction recovery program. We are each individually seeing very talented therapists who specialize in sexual addictions. We are attending LDS 12 step groups, meeting with our bishop very regularly, and praying for healing.  I have made no commitments to stay with my husband, I am taking this day by day. I am sure many would hear our story or read these old blog posts and tell me I am crazy to stay, I want to make it clear that I have not chosen to stay with him, I have chosen to follow the guidance I feel from the Lord and focus on my healing. This road is different for everyone, everyone has different capacities to forgive, everyones limits are different, and everyone will have to walk their own path. Despite all that has happened and wither or not I stay with my husband I will always, always support him in his recovery. I will always hope for better tomorrows, I will always put my faith in the Lord, I will always pray for true healing.

  Please pray for my family, we NEED prayers, pray for all those who are experiencing this devastating disease in their life!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Here we go again... (wife posting)

   Well I am unsure if anyone even reads this blog anymore, but I find journaling valuable to my healing and recovery so if no one reads this at least I will have somewhere I can let out my feelings. I really don't even know where to start or what to share. My husband is in a very bad place with his addictions and it has turned our entire world upside down. I am still evaluating and praying about how much I want to share on this public blog. At this point I don't know if I will stay with him or not.

   I thought that we were a success story in the world of pornography addiction, I THOUGHT we had done the work, I thought we were BOTH committed to recovery. Sadly I was very wrong about this. I love my husband and I love our family. I believe in the atonement and I believe that people can be healed from addictions with lots of hard work and honestly turning their lives over to the Lord. I also know my husband is sick, his brain has been damaged severely from being exposed to pornography at a very young age (about 12) and as the years have gone on and he has actively "acted out" in his addiction his mental state has only gotten worse. I KNOW my husband is a Child of God, I know he has a good heart, I know he loves me and our children, I know he has incredible talents, knowing all of this is what makes this all so much harder, WHY couldn't he see his worth?

   I want to be a voice for women going through this challenging, heart breaking trial. I want them to know that their feelings are valid. I want them to know that their husbands pornography addiction is NOT their fault. I want them to know that it isn't crazy to trust your spouse, that is what marriage is built on. What is crazy is for the other person to disrespect and destroy that trust. As I continue to educate myself on addiction I plan to share things I learn so that I can bring others understanding and peace about this devastating addiction.

   I feel like my husband has a cancer of the brain and of the soul. I hate how much shame surrounds this addiction and how we hide in our shame instead of reaching out for help. You don't exactly call up people at Church and say 'hey my husband has a pornography addiction and I really could use some help'.   Yet, if my husband had actual cancer I could do that and I would have support instantly from my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints).

  I am taking this day by day. I am doing my very best to turn things over to the Lord and put this in his hands. I know with the help of the Savior I can personally be healed from this. My healing doesn't  mean my husband will heal and that breaks my heart. I have been fighting for this family for the past ten years, I have let Satan know I will not go down without a fight and if it comes to the point where I know Heavenly Father wants me to walk away I will know that Satan still has not won. No matter what I can be happy and find peace. No matter what I can be true to myself, my beliefs, and my God. No matter what I can be a great mom and give my kids a happy life, because I KNOW Heavenly Father will provide a way.

   Please pray for my family. Pray for my children, pray for my husband, pray for me, we NEED prayers. Please feel free to share comments, I ask that anyone who comments is respectful and recognizes that myself and other people who comment are in very fragile places and your words should be chosen wisely and with respect. I want this to be where people can come for guidance and support.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

It's been awhile... (wife posting)

It has been quite awhile since I have written on this blog. I REALLY need to work on this. Not just for the benefit of others going through similar trials but for my own personal progress. I need to track when I am struggling and when I am doing well. It is really discouraging to me that my husband has not written on here in a very long time, BUT the only person I can change, work on, or improve is myself. SO HERE I AM.

Oh how I wish I could say that things were going terrifically, that life was like a fairy tale, but that just isn't reality weather you are married to someone with addictions or not. Life is hard, marriage is HARD, parenthood is hard. All of these things are sooooo worth it, but they don't come without some huge obstacles. With the start of the new year I had set some great goals for my self. Some of them are going great, some ok, and some not so great. I really need to check-in with myself weekly and really think about how things are going and how I can improve them. My husband and I are really struggling with somethings right now, there is no quick fix, these things are going to take patience, time, effort, willpower, and most importantly turning them over to the Lord. I wish they could be fixed instantly and we could go back to our happy life together, but that just isn't the case.

For several years now my husband (as far as I am aware) has not been active in his addictions. I wouldn't say that he has them beat by any means, but he is not participating in them. Although it feels great for these addictions to not be a regular part of our life now, I can't help but think that they still are. Someone who has struggled with alcoholism is always going to be an alcoholic weather or not they are drinking. The same goes for my husband, he isn't suddenly NOT addicted to pornography or gambling, he isn't seeking after those things, but his addictions are still there, they are still very real, and we always have to have our guard up. I really hate that you can't just become un-addicted, I wish so badly that it would GO AWAY FOREVER. Addictions alter your thought process, your personality, your rational thinking, they go far beyond the addictions them selves.

It has been a ROUGH week at our house this past week. I have been very frustrated with my husband for not following through on some VERY important things. I have asked nicely, begged, pleaded, cried, yelled and still things are not getting done that absolutely NEED to be done. I can't help but think that some of his inability to follow through on things has to do with his addictive personality. I am not sharing this to rip on my husband, I am sharing it to show how addictions can effect so many different aspects of a persons life. Addicts are "People Pleasers", they tell you what you want to hear so that you will be happy and leave them alone. They want you to "think" they are going to do something, but that doesn't mean they have any intention on actually following through. I don't believe that my husband does this intentionally, I believe he has good intentions, but has had these bad patterns of living for so long, that he doesn't know how to follow through on things. I am not saying this is the case for all people with addictions, but I do believe it is the case for many. I wish I knew how to help him with this, I wish I knew how to WAKE HIM UP to reality, but the truth is that I can't do anything about this. I can love him and support him, but only he can make these changes in his life. Just because I can't change him doesn't mean that I am going to be ok with him not following through when he says he is going to. It might sound like I am treating him like a child, but he has made the decision to not follow through on some very important things and there are going to be consequences.

This past week has been a real eye-opener to me to see how my husband and I are doing, personally, as a couple, as a family, as parents, etc... The sad truth is we are not doing well. We are really struggling in many ways and we were both in denial about it. I wish it didn't take a bad situation to wake us up. All along we should have been continuing to follow up with a councilor, our Bishop, etc... But things get going ok again and we stop seeking for help, when really we need to continually be seeking after help. I would hope at some point we could need less and less help, but I think we are going to always need "check ups" with a councilor and Bishop. Even if we are totally healthy and feel great we still need a physical once a year, our mental health is no different and for my husband and I a once a year check-up after everything we have been through is not even close to enough.

It is time for some serious adjustments in our life and step one is going to our new Bishop and making him aware of our situation. I hate doing this because I want to think we are past off of this and that since my husband isn't active in his addictions then we should have to do this. But the truth is we do, we are not past this, we have been through some very, very difficult times, but we are not immune from them happening again. I want to "check-in" with our Bishop and make him aware of our history so that he can help guide and direct us on the proper path to take for our RECOVERY. I like to think that we are in the "recovery" phase of all of this, we are going to have some bumps and bruses along the way, but that doesn't mean we aren't working toward recovering.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If you saw me on the street...

(wife posting)

If you were to see me on the street, or at the grocery store, or at my kids elementary school I would look from outward appearances like I have my life put together. You wouldn't see the hurt, resentment, and anger that I sometimes carry inside me. You would just see a wife and mother who loves her family and is trying very hard each day to do the best she can.

I often wonder when I put on a "Happy Face" if people can see through it? The TRUTH is that majority of the time I am VERY HAPPY, I love my life, and my family. BUT there are days that living with an addict is TOO MUCH and this burden is hard to bear.

I am VERY proud of my husband for the progress he has made. I am very proud of him for not having any relapses in the last several years, but just because he has not relapsed does not mean he is no longer an addict. I wish that it could be OVER, that we could both walk away from this disease and be fully recovered. But the truth of the matter is that this will be a life long battle, a life long recovery process, and it takes making the right choices {EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.}.

One of the hardest parts for me in all this is not being able to fix things. I WANT TO FIX MY HUSBAND, I want to free him, us from this. I HATE that I can't do this! Letting go of my desires to control things is very hard for me. It's not that I am a control freak, I just want to make things better when I can.

I know that the only person I can change is ME. I am working on this, taking baby steps, and working towards being a better me. Addiction spreads into every aspect of your life, I have seen this for my husband and my self. You HAVE to wake up each day ready to do whatever it takes to let Satan know that HE WILL NOT WIN!

This week my husband and I are working on forming better habits and keeping to a better schedule. I know that it is going to be very hard at first, but I hope that with the help of Heavenly Father and the support of each other that over time that we can replace our bad habits with good ones. Here are a few things we are working on...

1. Going to bed by 10pm & waking up by 6am (during the week)
2. Reading our scriptures & praying as a family and personally each day
3. Having couples prayer each day & reading an ensign article together
4. Exercising at least 4x each week
5. Being on time to church each week
6. Attending the temple a min. of 1x each month
7. Fulfilling our home teaching and visiting teaching
8. Magnifying our church callings
9. Having weekly FHE with our family
10.Being calmer & more patient with our children

***I KNOW that if we can put our lives in the Lords Hands and follow is commandments that he will help us through any trial that we are given in this life. Trials test and try our faith, but if we are faithful to the end the Lord will bless us! When we follow the Lords plan he is bound and will always take care of us.***

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Self Confidence (wife posting)

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

(I found this cartoon and thought it was funny! Sometimes it seems easier to just sit back and not work on our selves but then we just feel crappy, in the end doing the hard work it takes to build self confidence is worth the result and rewards!)

I haven't posted in awhile and I really want to be better about this. I want to keep my self on a positive track and focus on not dwelling on the past. As usual life is crazy. We have a family, home, career, church callings, etc... to take care of. I have really learned in the last few years how important it is to always take care of MYSELF... I know this may sound selfish, but when I am not taking very good care of myself, I am really not taking very good care of most things in my life.

Most, if not all women who have been through the trial of having a husband addicted to pornography have experienced some very serious doubts in their self confidence. I know that this has been the case for me, it is hard not to feel bad about your self, your body, your looks, etc... when your husband is caught in this addiction. I want all of the women (or men) who read this blog to know that your spouses addictions have NOTHING to do with you. Unfortunately some caught in this addiction may tell you that it is because you are not affectionate enough, or sexual enough, etc...(I am very lucky that my husband is aware that this is his problem and has never said these things to me personally, but it happens in LOTS of similar situations). It is so important that we always remember that we did not cause this addiction, nor is it in anyway our fault.

For me going back to school and attending a 12-step group for spouses has greatly increased my confidence. Going back to school and gaining an education in a field I LOVE has helped me to have a personal identity outside of being a wife and mother. I LOVE being a wife and a mother but needed something that was just for me. Attending the support group also greatly helped me to regain my self confidence, it was cleansing to hear that I am not crazy, the feelings and frustrations I have are normal and very common in this situation.

To those who are caught or have been caught in the addiction of pornography...
You can in know way understand your spouses side of this. The hurt, the anger, the frustration, the distrust, the heartache, embarrassment, and self doubting. I don't say these things to make you feel worse, but I say them to help you understand the various levels of destruction that this disease of addiction causes. Out of all of the emails that I have gotten since starting this blog, almost EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been from a wife who WANTS to help her husband, who loves her husband, who wants to save her family, and who is HURTING. From the bottom of my heart I beg you to think about what pornography has done to your life, your marriage, your self, and others. Thank your wife for wanting to help you, thank her for loving you enough to be willing to work things out, and thank Heavenly Father for putting someone in your life who is willing to forgive you, support you, and love you. Think about what pornography can do to a persons self image and self esteem... Tell your wife EVERYDAY how beautiful she is (or your husband), help her to feel more confident and secure, help to re-build her self esteem, she NEEDS this from you just as much as you need her love and support!

Monday, July 25, 2011

LIES Feed Addiction (wife posting)

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted on this blog. I wish that I could say that things have been so blissfully happy that I haven't felt the need to let out steam through writing. The actual truth is that things on the whole since my last post have been good, we are currently struggling with some issues, but we are dealing with them and working through them. I think often times when things are "good" we start to slack off in our diligence. I know that has been the case for me at least. When my husbands addictions aren't starring me right in the face, I tend to forget how important it is to continue to work on myself and my recovery.

For myself, coping with the distrust that my husbands addictions have brought into our marriage is a daily battle. One I often times don't win. There are many days where my mind wanders and I find myself paranoid about where he is and what he's doing. A major issue that my husband and I have is that he has a BIG problem telling the truth with both small and big issues. I have tried for years to figure out WHY it is so hard for him to be honest about little things (and big things). I am not sharing this to bash my husband in anyway, but I want to be REAL and HONEST on this blog. If I'm not honest about how we are "REALLY DOING" then I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I found this quote online and I think it fits nicely with how strongly I feel about the need to be honest...

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people".

To me honesty and Integrity go hand in hand. And in a marriage if you don't have both of those you are fighting a loosing battle. Which is exactly how I feel when my husband is dishonest with me about anything... if he can't be honest about little things, then HOW ON EARTH is he going to be honest about BIG things???

I believe lying is a key component to addiction. When you participate in things such as pornography, gambling, drugs, or whatever your addiction might be and you live a double life, hiding your "addictive" self from others, then you have no choice but to LIE to keep up your destructive lifestyle. When these things go on for years and years, you have become a habitual liar, and after time I'm sure lying comes easier then telling the truth.

*I found this article online about Lying & Addictions and believe that it fully supports my feelings on why lies feed addictions. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

I can not and will not put up with lying of any kind in my marriage. Trust is not handed out freely but EARNED. It is not just earned by not participating in addictions, it is earned in THOUGHT, WORD, AND DEED. To be truly honest with others you must be completely honest with yourself. Often times really taking an inward look at our own life is not easy, depending on the choices we have made it can be down right painful, BUT true HONESTY and INTEGRITY requires us to do so. If lying is something you really struggle with then I believe it will require some serious self discipline to break this horrible habit!

To My Husband,

I love you with all my heart. I love our family and our beautiful children. We deserve the TRUTH at all times and in all situations. Lies weather big or small are still lies. WE have worked too hard and come too far for you to break down the trust that has been re-built by being dishonest with me. I realize that honesty is something you really struggle with and I am willing to help you, but it is going to take both of us working together to combat this problem. Little lies turn into big lies and then before you know it we will be right back at square one again and frankly that is somewhere I AM NEVER WILLING TO GO BACK TO. I have stuck by your side through hell and back, I have earned the right for you to respect me, our family, & yourself enough to ALWAYS be honest. I NEED you to know how serious I am about this and that it is not something I am willing to put up with. I know that the intentions of your heart are good, know you want to do what is right, but you have to show me daily that you are working hard to break these bad habits.


Your Wife