Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Nothing but lies.... (wife posting)

  My emotions are pretty over the top right now. I am trying so hard to just accomplish normal daily things, getting up, taking a shower, taking care of my kids, picking up the house, carpool, kids sports, Church, etc, etc... These "normal" things are not going so well for me. I really can't believe my husband and I are in this horrible place. I personally feel so much shame for the place our life is in.  I know that it is in no way my fault and I know that I have been doing everything I am capable of these past ten years to help him. I really don't know how to feel right now, I guess I am still in so much shock that the person I love so much, my partner in life, my husband and eternal companion could lie to me like this AGAIN! I feel foolish and stupid for believing him that he was in recovery.  I feel confused and sad. I am so angry but I would say that the worst pain I feel right now is this incredible, overpowering sadness. Someday's the sadness just swallows me up and I just can't function.

  I really doubted if I wanted to ever write on this blog again, after all my husband is a giant hypocrite and a liar, I am still in utter shock that he would go to the lengths he did to hide his addiction, that he would "fake" recovery. I am so embarrassed to even admit that he faked recovery, that he lied right here on this blog. Admitting this and continuing this blog is one of the hardest, most venerable things I have done. BUT as I have contemplated if I should delete the blog, never write on it again, or continue, I have thought that how can I help anyone if I am not honest about where things are really at with my husband and I. Would it really help anyone for them to read these old blog posts and not know the true depths and deception to which this addiction can really go. If we aren't totally honest about what road this addiction can lead you down how do we warn anyone of the real dangers? So it is with much pain, resentment, sadness, and faith that I will continue to tell our story. If I can help even one person to avoid or recovery from a pornography addiction (or any addiction) then it will be worth sharing the deepest, most destructive pain I have experienced in this life.

  My husband and I are currently attending the life star addiction recovery program. We are each individually seeing very talented therapists who specialize in sexual addictions. We are attending LDS 12 step groups, meeting with our bishop very regularly, and praying for healing.  I have made no commitments to stay with my husband, I am taking this day by day. I am sure many would hear our story or read these old blog posts and tell me I am crazy to stay, I want to make it clear that I have not chosen to stay with him, I have chosen to follow the guidance I feel from the Lord and focus on my healing. This road is different for everyone, everyone has different capacities to forgive, everyones limits are different, and everyone will have to walk their own path. Despite all that has happened and wither or not I stay with my husband I will always, always support him in his recovery. I will always hope for better tomorrows, I will always put my faith in the Lord, I will always pray for true healing.

  Please pray for my family, we NEED prayers, pray for all those who are experiencing this devastating disease in their life!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Here we go again... (wife posting)

   Well I am unsure if anyone even reads this blog anymore, but I find journaling valuable to my healing and recovery so if no one reads this at least I will have somewhere I can let out my feelings. I really don't even know where to start or what to share. My husband is in a very bad place with his addictions and it has turned our entire world upside down. I am still evaluating and praying about how much I want to share on this public blog. At this point I don't know if I will stay with him or not.

   I thought that we were a success story in the world of pornography addiction, I THOUGHT we had done the work, I thought we were BOTH committed to recovery. Sadly I was very wrong about this. I love my husband and I love our family. I believe in the atonement and I believe that people can be healed from addictions with lots of hard work and honestly turning their lives over to the Lord. I also know my husband is sick, his brain has been damaged severely from being exposed to pornography at a very young age (about 12) and as the years have gone on and he has actively "acted out" in his addiction his mental state has only gotten worse. I KNOW my husband is a Child of God, I know he has a good heart, I know he loves me and our children, I know he has incredible talents, knowing all of this is what makes this all so much harder, WHY couldn't he see his worth?

   I want to be a voice for women going through this challenging, heart breaking trial. I want them to know that their feelings are valid. I want them to know that their husbands pornography addiction is NOT their fault. I want them to know that it isn't crazy to trust your spouse, that is what marriage is built on. What is crazy is for the other person to disrespect and destroy that trust. As I continue to educate myself on addiction I plan to share things I learn so that I can bring others understanding and peace about this devastating addiction.

   I feel like my husband has a cancer of the brain and of the soul. I hate how much shame surrounds this addiction and how we hide in our shame instead of reaching out for help. You don't exactly call up people at Church and say 'hey my husband has a pornography addiction and I really could use some help'.   Yet, if my husband had actual cancer I could do that and I would have support instantly from my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints).

  I am taking this day by day. I am doing my very best to turn things over to the Lord and put this in his hands. I know with the help of the Savior I can personally be healed from this. My healing doesn't  mean my husband will heal and that breaks my heart. I have been fighting for this family for the past ten years, I have let Satan know I will not go down without a fight and if it comes to the point where I know Heavenly Father wants me to walk away I will know that Satan still has not won. No matter what I can be happy and find peace. No matter what I can be true to myself, my beliefs, and my God. No matter what I can be a great mom and give my kids a happy life, because I KNOW Heavenly Father will provide a way.

   Please pray for my family. Pray for my children, pray for my husband, pray for me, we NEED prayers. Please feel free to share comments, I ask that anyone who comments is respectful and recognizes that myself and other people who comment are in very fragile places and your words should be chosen wisely and with respect. I want this to be where people can come for guidance and support.