Friday, September 24, 2010

Scary Statistic...

In the United States, 9 out of 10 emerging adults (18-26) are viewing pornography monthly, half of them at least a couple times a week, and many daily, according to a study in the Journal of Adolescent Research, published by BYU’s Nelson and his associates.

(below is just a portion of the Shame helps keep porn in the dark article that I read today, read the full article HERE

Don’t be naive

It’s naive of parents to think they can drop $30 on filtering software, walk away and never look back, at least according to several researchers who found a 9- to 13-percent-wide hole in that idea.

Between their least and most restrictive settings, six of the most popular Internet filters blocked between 87 and 91 percent of pornographic sites, said Dr. Caroline Richardson, University of Michigan Medical School researcher.

And that means one in every 10 images still has a shot at hitting Web-wandering children, especially those who curiously aim for it. Trueman may have been right all along, that the danger of pornography can be compared to that of a handgun, “loaded to the hilt.”

“And while a gun may miss,” he said, “pornography never does.”

How to check computers

If you suspect a computer is being used to view pornography, you can check in three ways:

Web browser history. For Internet Explorer, look for “History” in the dropdown box next to the address field. For Firefox, click the “History” tab located above the address field. The history will provide a list of each website visited.

Temporary Internet Files folder. This information applies to Windows Internet Explorer 7 and Windows Internet 8.

1.Open Internet Explorer by clicking the Start button, and then clicking Internet Explorer

2.Click the Tools button, and then click Internet Options
3.Click the General tab, and then under Browser History click Settings.
4.In the Settings dialog box, click View files.
Image search. For PC users, click the “Start” button from your desktop; select “Pictures, music, or video”; then, select “Pictures and photos.” Leave the “file name” search field blank, and when you hit “Search,” the computer will retrieve every image on the hard drive.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

(wife posting)

I found this information this morning on the Out in the light...Women against pornography website that I shared in my last post. It is both comforting and disheartening to realize that so many women have been through exactly what I have and have had the same fears and frustrations as me. It is nice to know I am not alone, but it is also so heart braking to know that so many others are going through this same horrible trail in their lives. I hope that other women will visit this site, to gain incite, hope, peace, and to educate themselves on addiction.
Ask the Expert
Q: I didn’t know that my husband was a sex addict. Is something wrong with me?

A: Nothing is wrong with you. The majority of women who seek treatment after learning of their husband’s addiction did not know that their partners were struggling with a sexual addiction. However, many women report that they felt that something was not “quite right” in the relationship. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Many men with this problem have become experts at hiding it from their spouses.

Q: Why would my husband hide this from me?

A: Most men hide their sexual addiction from their wives out of embarrassment, deep shame, and fear that disclosure will lead to divorce and the loss of the family. They can become so deeply entrenched in feelings of despair and self-loathing that they are unable to imagine disclosing their addictive secret to their partner. They get caught in the addictive trap of believing that it is something that they must resolve on their own.

Q: My partner has lied to me in the past about his sexual addiction. How will I ever know if he is telling the truth?

A: You may not be able to tell. But if your husband seeks support and counseling you can be confident that he is being held accountable, supported, and encouraged to tell the truth. Over time many women report that they are able to trust again due to the openness and transparency that their husbands have learned in recovery.

Q: Is this somehow my fault?

A: This question is evidence of one of the most damaging consequences of addiction for the partner. Many women fear that they were somehow not “enough” in the marriage and consequently their husbands turned to porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, some men reinforce this fear in a misguided effort to place the blame on their wife instead of accepting the responsibility for their own behavior. The majority of sexual addicts had problems with sexual compulsivity before they were married. As the partner of an addict, you are not responsible for the sexual addiction. It is not your fault.

Q: Who should I tell?

A: Choosing to share that your partner has a sexual addiction is a personal decision and will vary according to your individual circumstances. It is recommended that you join a 12-step or a “Partners of Sex Addicts” therapy group where you can freely share and receive support. Where possible, share with a trusted spiritual leader or clergy. If you choose to share with family and/or friends, choose those whom you can trust to be understanding and supportive of you and your partner. It is important to share only with those individuals who are mature enough to allow you the time to make decisions that you feel are best for you and your family without giving unsolicited advice and asserting undue pressure.

Q: Should we tell our children?
A: Generally speaking, no–at least not at first. If possible, it is best to give yourselves some time to sort through and try to manage the trauma that the disclosure has caused you and your spouse without bringing children into the situation. Later, as you and your partner become more stable, you can counsel with a therapist or clergy about telling the children, guided by what is in the best interest of the children and their ages.

Q: Is there recovery from sexual addiction?
A: Yes, recovery is possible. It takes time and hard work, especially in the first year, but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives.

Q: What if I can’t be supportive of my husband right now?
A: Finding out about an addiction can be a devastating and disorienting experience for women. It is important that you take the steps to take care of yourself and your own healing. By doing so you will eventually be able to be supportive of your husband, if that is what you choose.

Q: What can I do to be supportive of my husband?
A: The best thing you can do is to seek support for yourself. A counselor, a spiritual leader, or a therapy or 12-step group can assist you in understanding what you can do to be helpful while not taking on the responsibility of your husband’s recovery. Another way to be supportive is to get educated about addiction. Education will help you see your husband’s addictive behaviors in a clearer light. Encourage your husband to seek help. Many men in recovery attend a 12-step group, a counseling group and see an individual therapist as well as their spiritual leader in dealing with addiction. Disclosing a sexual addiction is merely the starting point for recovery, not the ending point.

Q: Where can we turn for help?
A: When seeking help look for a professional who is trained and experienced in working with sexual addiction and compulsivity. Many clergy or spiritual leaders have access to resources for sexual addiction 12-step programs for addicts and partners. Nonprofit organizations such as are good resources for helping individuals find an appropriate therapist and/or a 12-step group.

*If you would like to submit a question to our experts, Click here.


Dorothy Maryon is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in sexual addiction and partners’ issues associated with sexual addiction in marriage. She is in private practice and works with the LIfeStar program.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Out in the light... Women Against Pornography Impact of Pornography

Video Courtesy of article and segment on effects of Pornography

September 19th, 2010 @ 9:00am
In this Sunday Edition, we explore the influence of pornography on real people and its prevalence in society today. KSL's Bruce Lindsay sits down with experts to discuss how a compulsion for pornography impacts marriages. In addition, we explore a new initiative to empower women to battle the influence of porn on their relationships.

Segment 1: Impact of Pornography

Pornography probably impacts somebody you know. It could be a neighbor, a family member, a spouse or maybe even you. Many Utahns are searching for answers in their personal struggles with pornography.

"Many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself." -Dr. Rory Reid Dr. Rory Reid joins Sunday Edition. Dr. Reid is a research psychologist at the Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior in the Department of Psychiatry at UCLA. His work has been published in leading professional journals. He is also the clinical director at the Provo Counseling Center.

There is debate in the mental health field over whether a pornography problem is an addiction similar to a drug addiction.

"It's a very controversial topic, and scientifically, the debate exists because there is some overlap with substance-related disorders which are considered true addictions, such as difficulty controlling the behavior, problems that continue despite the behavior [and the] consequences," explains Reid. "But there are some differences in terms of the way the brain works, in terms of genetic studies and so forth. So at this point, scientifically, it is premature to label it as an addiction, although many people would suggest and agree that it is a problem and it is causing difficulties for people in their lives."

Dr. Reid and other researchers did a study and found four reasons people seek out pornography.

Related: Society paying price for pornography use
The pornography industry has grown to a $97-billion business worldwide but the adverse affects of pornography are incalculable."We looked at people who don't just seek it out but seek it out to the point where it becomes an excessive problem in their lives. Four factors emerged. One was just this notion of excitement seeking, looking for variety, novelty. There was also this idea of turning to pornography in order to escape difficult or unpleasant emotions, problems with coping with stress. And then also, for sexual arousal. And then the fourth reason was because people had sexual curiosity," Reid says. "But somehow that curiosity got derailed and then they find themselves looking and viewing and consuming pornography for hours and hours. And that's when it starts to become problematic."

He says people who have a difficult time dealing with stress and life's challenges are more likely to have pornography problems. And pornography problems can have serious consequences for marriages.

"It's devastating for a lot of marriages," describes Reid. "It's not just the pornography, it's not just that my significant other or spouse were going outside of the marriage to have their sexual needs met, but there are so many other components. Women, for example, feeling 'I can't compete with this pornography, I can't be all of that.' And then they start to have difficulties with self esteem. But there is also this notion of the secrecy and the lies and the deceit around the behavior itself. And you would be surprised, many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself."

Nearly 9 out of 10 (87%) young men and one-third (31%) of young women report using pornography. -Journal of Adolescent Research 23.1 (2008) 6-30Segment 2: "Out in the Light" Initiative

A new initiative is getting underway to educate and unite women who are victimized by a spouse's pornography habit. It's called "Out in the Light: Women Uniting Against Pornography." Joining Sunday Edition is Dr. Liz Hale, a clinical psychologist in marriage and family relations. She serves as a board member on the Utah Commission on Marriage and she appears frequently on Studio 5. Also, Scott Haws, of KSL-TV, a spokesman for the "Out in the Light" campaign, joins the discussion.

Dr. Hale says women often blame themselves when their husbands have a pornography problem. She tells women, "It's absolutely not your fault, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it."

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery. When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough." -Dr. Liz HaleTrust is not destroyed forever, according to Dr. Hale, especially if a husband says he will do whatever it takes to recover and to hold the marriage and family together.

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery," she says. "When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough."

"Out in the Light" is designed to help women.

"‘Out in the Light' is a multifaceted, all out blitz on behalf of Deseret Media Companies to use every resource available --, KSL-TV, KSL Newsradio, Deseret Book and the Deseret News -- to bring this issue out in the light. And more than anything to help direct, educate, and unite women who might be victimized by this. To let them know they are not alone, to let them know there are resources out there and give them access to other women so they can share their feelings and be able to get help," explains Haws. "This is an initiative that as more and more research is done and the more we talk to people, and people came to us, unsolicited, we realized just how prevalent this is. And this is something that needed to be addressed, needed to be literally be brought out of the shadows."

The "Out in the Light" website allows people to connect with others, seek professional help and make a pledge. "The pledge doesn't just talk about pornography, it talks about media in general. It talks about texting, about emails, about what to do if you are exposed to pornography, what to do if someone wants to meet up with you that you met online, who to tell, who to go to," says Haws. "So it allows a family to sit down and put together an action plan."

Friday, September 17, 2010

LEAD ME... (wife posting)

(song can be played in our music selection)

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


It's been a rough couple of months at our house, we haven't had anything major happen, it is just the little stuff (and in the end the 'little stuff' amounts to the 'BIG STUFF'). We are struggling with staying on top of the daily things we need to be doing (both my husband and I) to keep these addictions from destroying our family. My husband is not acting out or participating in his addictions, but recovering from addictions takes daily effort for both spouses.

We have several friends going through this same trial. Watching the pain and agony that addictions are causing in their lives is breaking my heart! I HATE ADDICTION!!! I HATE that friends and family of mine have also experienced this heartache, some to a much deeper more destructive level than I have personally experienced. Lately, to me it seems like most marriages that end in divorce are mainly because of a spouse being caught in the traps of addiction. Pornography (and other addictions) are LITERALLY the plague of this generation! I wish there was something I could do, but I really don't know what! This is such a shameful disease that it is rarely openly talked about. I don't think it is appropriate to go announcing to the world your problems, but if we don't start talking about this the problem is only going to escalate! I know how alone this disease can make you feel, I have been there and I truly want others to know that they are NOT ALONE!

This past week in a business class of mine at school we were studying a chapter on Communication. As we were discussing this chapter this quote really stood out in my mind...

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

I KNOW for a fact that I will never have every aspect of my life 100% in order, but what I do know is that if I TRULY want to help others and be an instrument in the Lords hands then I have to stop being so stubburn and fully put MY LIFE in his hands!