My emotions are pretty over the top right now. I am trying so hard to just accomplish normal daily things, getting up, taking a shower, taking care of my kids, picking up the house, carpool, kids sports, Church, etc, etc... These "normal" things are not going so well for me. I really can't believe my husband and I are in this horrible place. I personally feel so much shame for the place our life is in. I know that it is in no way my fault and I know that I have been doing everything I am capable of these past ten years to help him. I really don't know how to feel right now, I guess I am still in so much shock that the person I love so much, my partner in life, my husband and eternal companion could lie to me like this AGAIN! I feel foolish and stupid for believing him that he was in recovery. I feel confused and sad. I am so angry but I would say that the worst pain I feel right now is this incredible, overpowering sadness. Someday's the sadness just swallows me up and I just can't function.
I really doubted if I wanted to ever write on this blog again, after all my husband is a giant hypocrite and a liar, I am still in utter shock that he would go to the lengths he did to hide his addiction, that he would "fake" recovery. I am so embarrassed to even admit that he faked recovery, that he lied right here on this blog. Admitting this and continuing this blog is one of the hardest, most venerable things I have done. BUT as I have contemplated if I should delete the blog, never write on it again, or continue, I have thought that how can I help anyone if I am not honest about where things are really at with my husband and I. Would it really help anyone for them to read these old blog posts and not know the true depths and deception to which this addiction can really go. If we aren't totally honest about what road this addiction can lead you down how do we warn anyone of the real dangers? So it is with much pain, resentment, sadness, and faith that I will continue to tell our story. If I can help even one person to avoid or recovery from a pornography addiction (or any addiction) then it will be worth sharing the deepest, most destructive pain I have experienced in this life.
My husband and I are currently attending the life star addiction recovery program. We are each individually seeing very talented therapists who specialize in sexual addictions. We are attending LDS 12 step groups, meeting with our bishop very regularly, and praying for healing. I have made no commitments to stay with my husband, I am taking this day by day. I am sure many would hear our story or read these old blog posts and tell me I am crazy to stay, I want to make it clear that I have not chosen to stay with him, I have chosen to follow the guidance I feel from the Lord and focus on my healing. This road is different for everyone, everyone has different capacities to forgive, everyones limits are different, and everyone will have to walk their own path. Despite all that has happened and wither or not I stay with my husband I will always, always support him in his recovery. I will always hope for better tomorrows, I will always put my faith in the Lord, I will always pray for true healing.
Please pray for my family, we NEED prayers, pray for all those who are experiencing this devastating disease in their life!