Recovering From Addictions

It's been awhile... (wife posting)

2012-02-26T11:57:00.001-08:00

It has been quite awhile since I have written on this blog. I REALLY need to work on this. Not just for the benefit of others going through similar trials but for my own personal progress. I need to track when I am struggling and when I am doing well. It is really discouraging to me that my husband has not written on here in a very long time, BUT the only person I can change, work on, or improve is myself. SO HERE I AM.

Oh how I wish I could say that things were going terrifically, that life was like a fairy tale, but that just isn't reality weather you are married to someone with addictions or not. Life is hard, marriage is HARD, parenthood is hard. All of these things are sooooo worth it, but they don't come without some huge obstacles. With the start of the new year I had set some great goals for my self. Some of them are going great, some ok, and some not so great. I really need to check-in with myself weekly and really think about how things are going and how I can improve them. My husband and I are really struggling with somethings right now, there is no quick fix, these things are going to take patience, time, effort, willpower, and most importantly turning them over to the Lord. I wish they could be fixed instantly and we could go back to our happy life together, but that just isn't the case.

For several years now my husband (as far as I am aware) has not been active in his addictions. I wouldn't say that he has them beat by any means, but he is not participating in them. Although it feels great for these addictions to not be a regular part of our life now, I can't help but think that they still are. Someone who has struggled with alcoholism is always going to be an alcoholic weather or not they are drinking. The same goes for my husband, he isn't suddenly NOT addicted to pornography or gambling, he isn't seeking after those things, but his addictions are still there, they are still very real, and we always have to have our guard up. I really hate that you can't just become un-addicted, I wish so badly that it would GO AWAY FOREVER. Addictions alter your thought process, your personality, your rational thinking, they go far beyond the addictions them selves.

It has been a ROUGH week at our house this past week. I have been very frustrated with my husband for not following through on some VERY important things. I have asked nicely, begged, pleaded, cried, yelled and still things are not getting done that absolutely NEED to be done. I can't help but think that some of his inability to follow through on things has to do with his addictive personality. I am not sharing this to rip on my husband, I am sharing it to show how addictions can effect so many different aspects of a persons life. Addicts are "People Pleasers", they tell you what you want to hear so that you will be happy and leave them alone. They want you to "think" they are going to do something, but that doesn't mean they have any intention on actually following through. I don't believe that my husband does this intentionally, I believe he has good intentions, but has had these bad patterns of living for so long, that he doesn't know how to follow through on things. I am not saying this is the case for all people with addictions, but I do believe it is the case for many. I wish I knew how to help him with this, I wish I knew how to WAKE HIM UP to reality, but the truth is that I can't do anything about this. I can love him and support him, but only he can make these changes in his life. Just because I can't change him doesn't mean that I am going to be ok with him not following through when he says he is going to. It might sound like I am treating him like a child, but he has made the decision to not follow through on some very important things and there are going to be consequences.

This past week has been a real eye-opener to me to see how my husband and I are doing, personally, as a couple, as a family, as parents, etc... The sad truth is we are not doing well. We are really struggling in many ways and we were both in denial about it. I wish it didn't take a bad situation to wake us up. All along we should have been continuing to follow up with a councilor, our Bishop, etc... But things get going ok again and we stop seeking for help, when really we need to continually be seeking after help. I would hope at some point we could need less and less help, but I think we are going to always need "check ups" with a councilor and Bishop. Even if we are totally healthy and feel great we still need a physical once a year, our mental health is no different and for my husband and I a once a year check-up after everything we have been through is not even close to enough.

It is time for some serious adjustments in our life and step one is going to our new Bishop and making him aware of our situation. I hate doing this because I want to think we are past off of this and that since my husband isn't active in his addictions then we should have to do this. But the truth is we do, we are not past this, we have been through some very, very difficult times, but we are not immune from them happening again. I want to "check-in" with our Bishop and make him aware of our history so that he can help guide and direct us on the proper path to take for our RECOVERY. I like to think that we are in the "recovery" phase of all of this, we are going to have some bumps and bruses along the way, but that doesn't mean we aren't working toward recovering.

If you saw me on the street...

2011-09-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)

If you were to see me on the street, or at the grocery store, or at my kids elementary school I would look from outward appearances like I have my life put together. You wouldn't see the hurt, resentment, and anger that I sometimes carry inside me. You would just see a wife and mother who loves her family and is trying very hard each day to do the best she can.

I often wonder when I put on a "Happy Face" if people can see through it? The TRUTH is that majority of the time I am VERY HAPPY, I love my life, and my family. BUT there are days that living with an addict is TOO MUCH and this burden is hard to bear.

I am VERY proud of my husband for the progress he has made. I am very proud of him for not having any relapses in the last several years, but just because he has not relapsed does not mean he is no longer an addict. I wish that it could be OVER, that we could both walk away from this disease and be fully recovered. But the truth of the matter is that this will be a life long battle, a life long recovery process, and it takes making the right choices {EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.}.

One of the hardest parts for me in all this is not being able to fix things. I WANT TO FIX MY HUSBAND, I want to free him, us from this. I HATE that I can't do this! Letting go of my desires to control things is very hard for me. It's not that I am a control freak, I just want to make things better when I can.

I know that the only person I can change is ME. I am working on this, taking baby steps, and working towards being a better me. Addiction spreads into every aspect of your life, I have seen this for my husband and my self. You HAVE to wake up each day ready to do whatever it takes to let Satan know that HE WILL NOT WIN!

This week my husband and I are working on forming better habits and keeping to a better schedule. I know that it is going to be very hard at first, but I hope that with the help of Heavenly Father and the support of each other that over time that we can replace our bad habits with good ones. Here are a few things we are working on...

1. Going to bed by 10pm & waking up by 6am (during the week)
2. Reading our scriptures & praying as a family and personally each day
3. Having couples prayer each day & reading an ensign article together
4. Exercising at least 4x each week
5. Being on time to church each week
6. Attending the temple a min. of 1x each month
7. Fulfilling our home teaching and visiting teaching
8. Magnifying our church callings
9. Having weekly FHE with our family
10.Being calmer & more patient with our children

***I KNOW that if we can put our lives in the Lords Hands and follow is commandments that he will help us through any trial that we are given in this life. Trials test and try our faith, but if we are faithful to the end the Lord will bless us! When we follow the Lords plan he is bound and will always take care of us.***

Webisode: Why pornography shatters relationships

2011-09-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

Self Confidence (wife posting)

2011-09-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

(I found this cartoon and thought it was funny! Sometimes it seems easier to just sit back and not work on our selves but then we just feel crappy, in the end doing the hard work it takes to build self confidence is worth the result and rewards!)

I haven't posted in awhile and I really want to be better about this. I want to keep my self on a positive track and focus on not dwelling on the past. As usual life is crazy. We have a family, home, career, church callings, etc... to take care of. I have really learned in the last few years how important it is to always take care of MYSELF... I know this may sound selfish, but when I am not taking very good care of myself, I am really not taking very good care of most things in my life.

Most, if not all women who have been through the trial of having a husband addicted to pornography have experienced some very serious doubts in their self confidence. I know that this has been the case for me, it is hard not to feel bad about your self, your body, your looks, etc... when your husband is caught in this addiction. I want all of the women (or men) who read this blog to know that your spouses addictions have NOTHING to do with you. Unfortunately some caught in this addiction may tell you that it is because you are not affectionate enough, or sexual enough, etc...(I am very lucky that my husband is aware that this is his problem and has never said these things to me personally, but it happens in LOTS of similar situations). It is so important that we always remember that we did not cause this addiction, nor is it in anyway our fault.

For me going back to school and attending a 12-step group for spouses has greatly increased my confidence. Going back to school and gaining an education in a field I LOVE has helped me to have a personal identity outside of being a wife and mother. I LOVE being a wife and a mother but needed something that was just for me. Attending the support group also greatly helped me to regain my self confidence, it was cleansing to hear that I am not crazy, the feelings and frustrations I have are normal and very common in this situation.

To those who are caught or have been caught in the addiction of pornography...
You can in know way understand your spouses side of this. The hurt, the anger, the frustration, the distrust, the heartache, embarrassment, and self doubting. I don't say these things to make you feel worse, but I say them to help you understand the various levels of destruction that this disease of addiction causes. Out of all of the emails that I have gotten since starting this blog, almost EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been from a wife who WANTS to help her husband, who loves her husband, who wants to save her family, and who is HURTING. From the bottom of my heart I beg you to think about what pornography has done to your life, your marriage, your self, and others. Thank your wife for wanting to help you, thank her for loving you enough to be willing to work things out, and thank Heavenly Father for putting someone in your life who is willing to forgive you, support you, and love you. Think about what pornography can do to a persons self image and self esteem... Tell your wife EVERYDAY how beautiful she is (or your husband), help her to feel more confident and secure, help to re-build her self esteem, she NEEDS this from you just as much as you need her love and support!

LIES Feed Addiction (wife posting)

2011-07-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted on this blog. I wish that I could say that things have been so blissfully happy that I haven't felt the need to let out steam through writing. The actual truth is that things on the whole since my last post have been good, we are currently struggling with some issues, but we are dealing with them and working through them. I think often times when things are "good" we start to slack off in our diligence. I know that has been the case for me at least. When my husbands addictions aren't starring me right in the face, I tend to forget how important it is to continue to work on myself and my recovery.

For myself, coping with the distrust that my husbands addictions have brought into our marriage is a daily battle. One I often times don't win. There are many days where my mind wanders and I find myself paranoid about where he is and what he's doing. A major issue that my husband and I have is that he has a BIG problem telling the truth with both small and big issues. I have tried for years to figure out WHY it is so hard for him to be honest about little things (and big things). I am not sharing this to bash my husband in anyway, but I want to be REAL and HONEST on this blog. If I'm not honest about how we are "REALLY DOING" then I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I found this quote online and I think it fits nicely with how strongly I feel about the need to be honest...

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people".

To me honesty and Integrity go hand in hand. And in a marriage if you don't have both of those you are fighting a loosing battle. Which is exactly how I feel when my husband is dishonest with me about anything... if he can't be honest about little things, then HOW ON EARTH is he going to be honest about BIG things???

I believe lying is a key component to addiction. When you participate in things such as pornography, gambling, drugs, or whatever your addiction might be and you live a double life, hiding your "addictive" self from others, then you have no choice but to LIE to keep up your destructive lifestyle. When these things go on for years and years, you have become a habitual liar, and after time I'm sure lying comes easier then telling the truth.

*I found this article online about Lying & Addictions and believe that it fully supports my feelings on why lies feed addictions. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

I can not and will not put up with lying of any kind in my marriage. Trust is not handed out freely but EARNED. It is not just earned by not participating in addictions, it is earned in THOUGHT, WORD, AND DEED. To be truly honest with others you must be completely honest with yourself. Often times really taking an inward look at our own life is not easy, depending on the choices we have made it can be down right painful, BUT true HONESTY and INTEGRITY requires us to do so. If lying is something you really struggle with then I believe it will require some serious self discipline to break this horrible habit!

To My Husband,

I love you with all my heart. I love our family and our beautiful children. We deserve the TRUTH at all times and in all situations. Lies weather big or small are still lies. WE have worked too hard and come too far for you to break down the trust that has been re-built by being dishonest with me. I realize that honesty is something you really struggle with and I am willing to help you, but it is going to take both of us working together to combat this problem. Little lies turn into big lies and then before you know it we will be right back at square one again and frankly that is somewhere I AM NEVER WILLING TO GO BACK TO. I have stuck by your side through hell and back, I have earned the right for you to respect me, our family, & yourself enough to ALWAYS be honest. I NEED you to know how serious I am about this and that it is not something I am willing to put up with. I know that the intentions of your heart are good, know you want to do what is right, but you have to show me daily that you are working hard to break these bad habits.

Love

Your Wife

Selfish

2010-10-30T02:19:00.001-07:00

Where do I start? It is very easy to see how selfish addictions are. It is all about the"high", and not caring about anything or anyone else. The saddest thing is the aftermath of my addiction has been right in front of me for so long, and I have done so little to clean it up, that it almost looks normal to me. My terrible choices have caused so much pain and sorrow to myself and more importantly my family. It has been like a category 5 hurricane. It came through, not as a act of god, but because I let it, and has destroyed our lives. The saddest part is my beautiful family has stayed with me even though I brought it upon us and now that it has passed I am making them live in the terrible aftermath and not doing anything to fix it. All because I don't want to deal with what it is I have really done. I think that about defines the word selfish. I should spend every day thanking them and trying to do everything I can to say I am sorry and make up for all the pain, but instead I go on as if nothing happened. How can I possibly pretend that my addiction isn't real and that it couldn't resurface at anytime? How can I just ignore all the destruction already in front of me? How can I be so selfish as to ignore the sacrifice of my family to stay with me when they know a "hurricane" could be around the corner? What does that say about me? I love my family and I don't think three lifetimes would give me enough time to try and make up for my mistakes. I am not going to make any promises, I am not going to finally "get it" all of a sudden, I just want to say how truly sorry I am for everything and that I pray I can start being more selfless and stop being so selfish. I know if I can start doing that, then I won't have to "get it finally", because I will be living "it".

Scary Statistic...

2010-09-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

In the United States, 9 out of 10 emerging adults (18-26) are viewing pornography monthly, half of them at least a couple times a week, and many daily, according to a study in the Journal of Adolescent Research, published by BYU’s Nelson and his associates.

(below is just a portion of the Shame helps keep porn in the dark article that I read today, read the full article HERE

Don’t be naive

It’s naive of parents to think they can drop $30 on filtering software, walk away and never look back, at least according to several researchers who found a 9- to 13-percent-wide hole in that idea.

Between their least and most restrictive settings, six of the most popular Internet filters blocked between 87 and 91 percent of pornographic sites, said Dr. Caroline Richardson, University of Michigan Medical School researcher.

And that means one in every 10 images still has a shot at hitting Web-wandering children, especially those who curiously aim for it. Trueman may have been right all along, that the danger of pornography can be compared to that of a handgun, “loaded to the hilt.”

“And while a gun may miss,” he said, “pornography never does.”

How to check computers

If you suspect a computer is being used to view pornography, you can check in three ways:

Web browser history. For Internet Explorer, look for “History” in the dropdown box next to the address field. For Firefox, click the “History” tab located above the address field. The history will provide a list of each website visited.

Temporary Internet Files folder. This information applies to Windows Internet Explorer 7 and Windows Internet 8.

1.Open Internet Explorer by clicking the Start button, and then clicking Internet Explorer

2.Click the Tools button, and then click Internet Options
3.Click the General tab, and then under Browser History click Settings.
4.In the Settings dialog box, click View files.
Image search. For PC users, click the “Start” button from your desktop; select “Pictures, music, or video”; then, select “Pictures and photos.” Leave the “file name” search field blank, and when you hit “Search,” the computer will retrieve every image on the hard drive.

(wife posting)

2010-09-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

I found this information this morning on the Out in the light...Women against pornography website that I shared in my last post. It is both comforting and disheartening to realize that so many women have been through exactly what I have and have had the same fears and frustrations as me. It is nice to know I am not alone, but it is also so heart braking to know that so many others are going through this same horrible trail in their lives. I hope that other women will visit this site, to gain incite, hope, peace, and to educate themselves on addiction.
*********************************************************************************************
Ask the Expert
Q: I didn’t know that my husband was a sex addict. Is something wrong with me?

A: Nothing is wrong with you. The majority of women who seek treatment after learning of their husband’s addiction did not know that their partners were struggling with a sexual addiction. However, many women report that they felt that something was not “quite right” in the relationship. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Many men with this problem have become experts at hiding it from their spouses.

Q: Why would my husband hide this from me?

A: Most men hide their sexual addiction from their wives out of embarrassment, deep shame, and fear that disclosure will lead to divorce and the loss of the family. They can become so deeply entrenched in feelings of despair and self-loathing that they are unable to imagine disclosing their addictive secret to their partner. They get caught in the addictive trap of believing that it is something that they must resolve on their own.

Q: My partner has lied to me in the past about his sexual addiction. How will I ever know if he is telling the truth?

A: You may not be able to tell. But if your husband seeks support and counseling you can be confident that he is being held accountable, supported, and encouraged to tell the truth. Over time many women report that they are able to trust again due to the openness and transparency that their husbands have learned in recovery.

Q: Is this somehow my fault?

A: This question is evidence of one of the most damaging consequences of addiction for the partner. Many women fear that they were somehow not “enough” in the marriage and consequently their husbands turned to porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, some men reinforce this fear in a misguided effort to place the blame on their wife instead of accepting the responsibility for their own behavior. The majority of sexual addicts had problems with sexual compulsivity before they were married. As the partner of an addict, you are not responsible for the sexual addiction. It is not your fault.

Q: Who should I tell?

A: Choosing to share that your partner has a sexual addiction is a personal decision and will vary according to your individual circumstances. It is recommended that you join a 12-step or a “Partners of Sex Addicts” therapy group where you can freely share and receive support. Where possible, share with a trusted spiritual leader or clergy. If you choose to share with family and/or friends, choose those whom you can trust to be understanding and supportive of you and your partner. It is important to share only with those individuals who are mature enough to allow you the time to make decisions that you feel are best for you and your family without giving unsolicited advice and asserting undue pressure.

Q: Should we tell our children?
A: Generally speaking, no–at least not at first. If possible, it is best to give yourselves some time to sort through and try to manage the trauma that the disclosure has caused you and your spouse without bringing children into the situation. Later, as you and your partner become more stable, you can counsel with a therapist or clergy about telling the children, guided by what is in the best interest of the children and their ages.

Q: Is there recovery from sexual addiction?
A: Yes, recovery is possible. It takes time and hard work, especially in the first year, but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives.

Q: What if I can’t be supportive of my husband right now?
A: Finding out about an addiction can be a devastating and disorienting experience for women. It is important that you take the steps to take care of yourself and your own healing. By doing so you will eventually be able to be supportive of your husband, if that is what you choose.

Q: What can I do to be supportive of my husband?
A: The best thing you can do is to seek support for yourself. A counselor, a spiritual leader, or a therapy or 12-step group can assist you in understanding what you can do to be helpful while not taking on the responsibility of your husband’s recovery. Another way to be supportive is to get educated about addiction. Education will help you see your husband’s addictive behaviors in a clearer light. Encourage your husband to seek help. Many men in recovery attend a 12-step group, a counseling group and see an individual therapist as well as their spiritual leader in dealing with addiction. Disclosing a sexual addiction is merely the starting point for recovery, not the ending point.

Q: Where can we turn for help?
A: When seeking help look for a professional who is trained and experienced in working with sexual addiction and compulsivity. Many clergy or spiritual leaders have access to resources for sexual addiction 12-step programs for addicts and partners. Nonprofit organizations such as SAlifeline.org are good resources for helping individuals find an appropriate therapist and/or a 12-step group.

*If you would like to submit a question to our experts, Click here.

BIOGRAPHY

Dorothy Maryon is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in sexual addiction and partners’ issues associated with sexual addiction in marriage. She is in private practice and works with the LIfeStar program.

Out in the light... Women Against Pornography

2010-09-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

www.outinthelight.com

ksl.com- Impact of Pornography

2010-09-19T10:10:00.001-07:00

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

ksl.com article and segment on effects of Pornography

2010-09-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

September 19th, 2010 @ 9:00am
In this Sunday Edition, we explore the influence of pornography on real people and its prevalence in society today. KSL's Bruce Lindsay sits down with experts to discuss how a compulsion for pornography impacts marriages. In addition, we explore a new initiative to empower women to battle the influence of porn on their relationships.

Segment 1: Impact of Pornography

Pornography probably impacts somebody you know. It could be a neighbor, a family member, a spouse or maybe even you. Many Utahns are searching for answers in their personal struggles with pornography.

"Many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself." -Dr. Rory Reid Dr. Rory Reid joins Sunday Edition. Dr. Reid is a research psychologist at the Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior in the Department of Psychiatry at UCLA. His work has been published in leading professional journals. He is also the clinical director at the Provo Counseling Center.

There is debate in the mental health field over whether a pornography problem is an addiction similar to a drug addiction.

"It's a very controversial topic, and scientifically, the debate exists because there is some overlap with substance-related disorders which are considered true addictions, such as difficulty controlling the behavior, problems that continue despite the behavior [and the] consequences," explains Reid. "But there are some differences in terms of the way the brain works, in terms of genetic studies and so forth. So at this point, scientifically, it is premature to label it as an addiction, although many people would suggest and agree that it is a problem and it is causing difficulties for people in their lives."

Dr. Reid and other researchers did a study and found four reasons people seek out pornography.

Related: Society paying price for pornography use
The pornography industry has grown to a $97-billion business worldwide but the adverse affects of pornography are incalculable."We looked at people who don't just seek it out but seek it out to the point where it becomes an excessive problem in their lives. Four factors emerged. One was just this notion of excitement seeking, looking for variety, novelty. There was also this idea of turning to pornography in order to escape difficult or unpleasant emotions, problems with coping with stress. And then also, for sexual arousal. And then the fourth reason was because people had sexual curiosity," Reid says. "But somehow that curiosity got derailed and then they find themselves looking and viewing and consuming pornography for hours and hours. And that's when it starts to become problematic."

He says people who have a difficult time dealing with stress and life's challenges are more likely to have pornography problems. And pornography problems can have serious consequences for marriages.

"It's devastating for a lot of marriages," describes Reid. "It's not just the pornography, it's not just that my significant other or spouse were going outside of the marriage to have their sexual needs met, but there are so many other components. Women, for example, feeling 'I can't compete with this pornography, I can't be all of that.' And then they start to have difficulties with self esteem. But there is also this notion of the secrecy and the lies and the deceit around the behavior itself. And you would be surprised, many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself."

Nearly 9 out of 10 (87%) young men and one-third (31%) of young women report using pornography. -Journal of Adolescent Research 23.1 (2008) 6-30Segment 2: "Out in the Light" Initiative

A new initiative is getting underway to educate and unite women who are victimized by a spouse's pornography habit. It's called "Out in the Light: Women Uniting Against Pornography." Joining Sunday Edition is Dr. Liz Hale, a clinical psychologist in marriage and family relations. She serves as a board member on the Utah Commission on Marriage and she appears frequently on Studio 5. Also, Scott Haws, of KSL-TV, a spokesman for the "Out in the Light" campaign, joins the discussion.

Dr. Hale says women often blame themselves when their husbands have a pornography problem. She tells women, "It's absolutely not your fault, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it."

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery. When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough." -Dr. Liz HaleTrust is not destroyed forever, according to Dr. Hale, especially if a husband says he will do whatever it takes to recover and to hold the marriage and family together.

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery," she says. "When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough."

"Out in the Light" is designed to help women.

"‘Out in the Light' is a multifaceted, all out blitz on behalf of Deseret Media Companies to use every resource available -- ksl.com, KSL-TV, KSL Newsradio, Deseret Book and the Deseret News -- to bring this issue out in the light. And more than anything to help direct, educate, and unite women who might be victimized by this. To let them know they are not alone, to let them know there are resources out there and give them access to other women so they can share their feelings and be able to get help," explains Haws. "This is an initiative that as more and more research is done and the more we talk to people, and people came to us, unsolicited, we realized just how prevalent this is. And this is something that needed to be addressed, needed to be literally be brought out of the shadows."

The "Out in the Light" website allows people to connect with others, seek professional help and make a pledge. "The pledge doesn't just talk about pornography, it talks about media in general. It talks about texting, about emails, about what to do if you are exposed to pornography, what to do if someone wants to meet up with you that you met online, who to tell, who to go to," says Haws. "So it allows a family to sit down and put together an action plan."

LEAD ME... (wife posting)

2010-09-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

(song can be played in our music selection)

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
____________________________________________________________________

It's been a rough couple of months at our house, we haven't had anything major happen, it is just the little stuff (and in the end the 'little stuff' amounts to the 'BIG STUFF'). We are struggling with staying on top of the daily things we need to be doing (both my husband and I) to keep these addictions from destroying our family. My husband is not acting out or participating in his addictions, but recovering from addictions takes daily effort for both spouses.

We have several friends going through this same trial. Watching the pain and agony that addictions are causing in their lives is breaking my heart! I HATE ADDICTION!!! I HATE that friends and family of mine have also experienced this heartache, some to a much deeper more destructive level than I have personally experienced. Lately, to me it seems like most marriages that end in divorce are mainly because of a spouse being caught in the traps of addiction. Pornography (and other addictions) are LITERALLY the plague of this generation! I wish there was something I could do, but I really don't know what! This is such a shameful disease that it is rarely openly talked about. I don't think it is appropriate to go announcing to the world your problems, but if we don't start talking about this the problem is only going to escalate! I know how alone this disease can make you feel, I have been there and I truly want others to know that they are NOT ALONE!

This past week in a business class of mine at school we were studying a chapter on Communication. As we were discussing this chapter this quote really stood out in my mind...

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

I KNOW for a fact that I will never have every aspect of my life 100% in order, but what I do know is that if I TRULY want to help others and be an instrument in the Lords hands then I have to stop being so stubburn and fully put MY LIFE in his hands!

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light

2010-08-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)
I have seen this video on several blogs and wanted to share it here. I literally balled through this entire video. It was just what I needed to hear today. I have really been struggling lately and it is because I have gotten off track in MY recovery process. This video truly touched my soul!

Thoughts... (wife posting)

2010-06-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

It is very late and I can't seem to fall asleep. I have lots of things running through my mind tonight. I am very discouraged that my husband and I have gotten off track in our recovery process. I was reading through some old posts that I had written and I can literally see at what times I have been doing well and at what times I have not. I know that my priority HAS to be on my own personal recovery but it is really hard to not be upset with my husband that he is not working on his recovery the way he should be either. I guess I am just frustrated that it always has to be me to make the first step, I am always the one that has to point out that things are not going in the direction they should be, I am always the one that has to make the first move to get us back on track. I am completely worn out from years of this vicious cycle. I know I probably sound like a huge hypocrite because the truth is the only person I can change or work on is me. BUT it is so frustrating to love someone so much, want so badly for them to change, and not see them following through with promises they have made. To my knowledge my husband has not had any relapses in his recovery as far as "acting" on them goes, but things feel very off right now and I am finding it very hard to have a good attitude.

My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.

Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.

Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...

Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/individuals/prevent/article/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services

{Wife Posting}

2010-06-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

It has been quit awhile since I have updated on this blog! I am running out the door for church, but I plan to post more tonight. I just wanted to share something that I saw on lds.org this morning while preparing a lesson. If you go to www.lds.org you will see that the church has a new website for those who are struggling with pornography addiction, I am thrilled to see that the church is stepping it up even more in there efforts to educate and help those that are caught in this addiction.

http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/

march maddness!!!

2010-03-21T13:08:00.001-07:00

I am sure anyone reading this blog is thinking about the ncaa tournament, but I am actually thinking about the maddness my life can seem like at this time of year. My wife is in school, we have 3 soccer games a week, I am self employed so I have to work random times, while also trying to work in important time for family and service, trying to workout, do spring projects, and of course attend the temple, and finally , yes, keep up with the ncaa tournament. I look at all that and sometimes I don't feel adequate to the tasks in front of me. I need to write in this blog for reasons just like this because as I write these feelings I have bring thoughts to mind that remind me why I am here and the purpose of our lives. I know all the things I mentioned earlier are important but at the end of the day I want to be the kind of man that knows what really matters most and can set his priorities accordingly.

How does all this relate to my addiction? I think it is at the core. I have to know where my priorities are and have them in order if I am to ever overcome this addiction or any other shortcoming. It is the ability to not give into my lusts and cravings and have the will power in place to realize and walk away from those feelings that will give me freedom from my addiction.

Time for a POST

2010-03-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

(We all feel like this sometimes, Right?)

It has been quite awhile since my last post. Life has been really busy and our home computer bit the dust so I do have some good excuses :). Actually the brake from the computer has been really nice and I feel like I accomplish so much more during the day when I dont have my computer tempting me to blog, facebook, surf the web, etc...

With life being really busy lately I am finding it very hard to keep my self on track with "MY" recovery process. I wish I could say that I am doing great, but the truth is lately I often find myself extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also noticed that when I start slacking on working on myself I tend to really get at my husband for the things I feel like he isn't working on. Does anyone else ever find them selves doing this? I'm sure if I were to talk to our councilor about this he would have some technical term for what I am doing :). I am not working on me and rather than trying to improve, I am focusing my efforts on pointing out my husbands weaknesses and shortcomings. THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY or good for myself or my husband. I am happy though that I am at a point in my recovery process that I can SEE MY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS and have the desire to improve them. I know that I can't do the things I need to alone and that I HAVE to go to the Lord in prayer and ask for help. It is frustrating to me though that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO, but for some reason it is so hard for me to do it! This week I am going to try as hard as I can to put the Lord first in all that I do and allow him to help me with the things I am struggling with.

No one likes to point out their own flaws, especially me, but I am also a very visual person, so here is my list of things I am struggling with, hopefully by writing them out I can start the process of working to improve this list. (***If you have any advise on ways to improve in any of these areas or things that work for you I would love to hear them***)

1. Patience (with my children, husband, and sometimes even myself)
2. Time management
3. Prayer and scripture study (personal, family, and couples)
4. Family Home Evening (having an ACTUAL FHE)
5. Exercize
6. Temple attendance
7. Visiting teaching
8. Housework
9. Playtime with my kids

Problem is I REALLY want to be "Super Mom" and it just isn't working out for me :) Turns out being a stay-at-home mother, a wife, and a student is quit the juggling act. I am totally kidding about the wanting to be SUPER MOM part, but I think most women can relate to the feeling of not being able to keep up.

Super Bowl Sunday

2010-02-07T15:21:00.001-08:00

What special time of year!? Looking back on this day in years past it has been a fun day after church for friends to come over and have a little get together. I would plan out the day a few weeks in advance and make sure it was planned. How sad that I can do something literally so unimportant and take up so much of my time. I haven't been planning out the events in my life that are important and I need to get back to that. I need to plan out time to do my daily tasks and responsabilities. I need to look ahead and navigate my course around and for events that do matter i.e. temple night, date night, family time! So to those of you in my life I am sorry I have not been as vigilant this year and I have not been planning my time around important events. I love you and I am going to get myself back on track. I know I can recover from my sickness and keep myself in recovery if I will just plan my life with the right priorities.

Where does the time go??? (Wife Posting)

2010-01-24T15:56:00.001-08:00

Wow I seriously can hardly believe that January 2010 is almost over. Life has just seemed like a whirlwind for me lately and I STILL feel like I am playing catch up from the Holiday's. We were lucky and had family come to us for Christmas this year, it was so great to spend time with those we love so much, I am sad when they leave because I know I wont see them again for awhile, but also there is a sense of stress relief when all of the family goes home and LIFE gets back to normal (whatever normal is anyway:).

This Christmas I was feeling especially grateful for my many blessings, I KNOW that my Father in Heaven loves me so much and is mindful of my family and I's needs. I KNOW that if I will put my life in the hands of the LORD that he will carry me through any trial that comes my way in this life. I feel a very deep gratitude for my trials, I didn't know that this was even possible! I know that the Lord has placed specific trials in my hands because he has given me the tools to endure and conquer these trials. Before we came here to earth we all lived with him in Heaven as his spirit children, he presented the Plan of Happiness to us (more information on mormon.org), we KNEW that we would come to this Earth to be tried and tested, we accepted this challenge willingly and I believe we were also prepared and received specific tools to help us through the trials we would face in our mortal existence so that we can worthily return to live with him again someday. My trials have helped me to grow in ways I didn't even know I was capable of. Over the last several months as I have accepted my own faults rather than constantly focusing on my husbands, there has been a mighty change in my heart. I have learned that the only person that I can change is ME!!! I have LITERALLY felt my heart soften, I have a greater compassion for my husband and a greater love for him (and it feels good).

With the craziness of the Holidays I got a bit off track on my own recovery process. I was doing so well with attending my s-anon 12 step group, reading my s-anon literature, having my personal daily prayer and scripture study, and especially with working on living the principals I have learned through s-anon. All it took was a few days of being really busy with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season to through me right off track. It got me thinking that if it was THIS hard for me to stay on track with my goals that it must be 100 times harder for my husband who suffers from addictions to stay on track. I have never given my husband enough credit for the progress he has made, I in no way understand what it is like to suffer from an addiction, but for the first time in our marriage I am seeing him as a person who suffers from a disease rather than just a person who makes horrible choices. (Yes addicts do make horrible choices, but they are not horrible people, they are people who have a SICKNESS).

I am learning to set & KEEP boundaries with my husband, he knows what I expect of him and what the consequences are if he does not follow through. More importantly for my own well being I am learning to acknowledge that I need to set & KEEP boundaries with my self, I need to hold myself accountable for the promises I make to ME! My husband and I recently started working with an amazing councilor, this past week I was able to meet with him one on one which was a very enlightening experience. I have spent SOOOOOOOOO much time focusing on my husband, his addictions, his problems, that I haven't even realized that my life has become a MESS in the process, I also haven't realized that I am not happy with WHO I AM. This week the councilor and I talked quit a bit about being 'transparent', he asked if I feel like I have been transparent (completely open and honest) with my spouse about how I am feeling. As I pondered his question I genuinely felt like I have been open about my feelings with my husband, but I also realized that my "OPENNESS" has rarely come out in a constructive way. When I do open up about how I am feeling it is with anger, resentment, screaming, crying, etc... So although I have been open, I have not even come close to handling it the way I should. HOW and WHY did I expect him to be honest and open with me when I was being so horrible to him!

I am a work in progress just as he is, my trials are different than his, but I know now that it is NOT my place to MAKE him change, I can only change myself (and I will:).

The New Year's Resolution

2010-01-03T15:38:00.001-08:00

It seems like every year I find myself making the same goals just like for as long as I can remember I have been making the same mistakes. I am done with my old goals and old habits and not just because I say so or I want it to be so. I have wanted that for a while. It is going to be different for a reason I can't quite put into words. Its a feeling I have and an attitude change I am making.

I know for the first time in a long time how far away i am from where i want to be. That is one thing that is different. Before, i would lied to myself and those around me about who i was and that my addictions weren't that big a deal.

Today, I realize that regaurdless of how often or minor the offence and frequency of my addiction it is as dangerous to me as it is to a person using daily or someone clean for years.

The biggest difference this year is going to be me. I am going to be the warrior Dan Gray talks about. I am going to be the difference in my family and my future.

I love you babe, this is going to be a great year for us. €hanks for still loving and supporting me, and when needed calling me on my crap and using tough love. You are the best.

Amazing Strength

2009-12-17T07:49:00.001-08:00

Has anyone ever tried to hang on to a rope for as long as you can until you fall? I have and I didn't last long. The fact that somehow my wife has been able to hang on to threads for as long as she has is truely amazing. I feel lucky and blessed to still have her in my life. I love you babe and hope you can keep hanging in there while I contiue in recovery!
Hang in there this week, you can do it while i am away!
ps i am making good choices!

Covenant Eyes

2009-12-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)
Recently a man commented on our blog, when I clicked on his name it took me to the Covenant Eyes website. WOW, there is some pretty interesting stuff on there. It is Christian based which I LOVE. I highly recommend visiting their site, www.covenanteyes.com. Through their site they offer an Internet filtration system and also something they refer to as accountability software. The filter blocks objectionable websites from your computer and the accountability software sends Internet usage reports to the people you select. These reports are detailed, showing types of sites, times of the day, and red flagging questionable sites, also if someone tries to disable the software you will be notified immediately. I am so thrilled to find out this type of service/technology is out there! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!!! It's about time, right? And I love the name "Accountability Software", because it is not our jobs as the spouse to hold them accountable, it is the addicts, and if they truly want help, they need to hold THEMSELVES accountable!

We have used Internet blocks in the past that come standard on your computer, but at one point I was having to type in a code to go to ANY website. This became REALLY annoying and was a reminder several times a day of everything we have been through. I am done holding my husband accountable (or at least trying to anyway), he has to now hold him self accountable. I can't wait to download this software and I am very happy to see that it is very affordable, I believe it is around $8 per month. TOTALLY worth it in my opinion.

We also have a new 24 hour policy in our home. If my husband slips up in ANY way with ANY of his addictions he has 24 hours to confess to me. If he does slip up again there will be serious repercussions (i.e. moving out of our home for a period of time while I decide what is best for me and our children). If he slips up again and does not come to me within the 24 hour boundary we have agreed upon then I will very seriously have to look into divorce. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS. I have given my husband chance after chance after chance. I LOVE HIM, I WANT OUR FAMILY TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, but I WILL NOT be walked on and taken advantage of my entire life. I am giving him ANOTHER chance, I know that this is what the Lord wants me to do, but I can feel deep in my soul that this is all I have, I can't do this forever. My husband has to choose, his family and the Lord, or his addictions. Right now he is doing so well and I am so happy with the changes he is making, but it is a life long process. I know some people might not agree with the way I am choosing to handle this, but everyone is different, every one's rope is a different length, mine WAS long, and I am at the very end of it hanging on by a few threads. This doesn't mean I don't hope and pray every single day for a happy ending, but I am also trying to be logical and realize that my husband has not overcome his addictions in the past, there is a chance he wont now either!

I have mentioned in the past that my husband has never come forward on his own with any of his addictions. The reason that I am aware of his addictions is because I have caught him time and time again. Him not coming to me and me having to find things out on my own has been one of the hardest parts of this journey. I have BEGGED and PLEADED WITH HIM TO JUST COME TO ME! How can you help someone who won't help them self? After we first started attending our 12 step groups (Sexaholics Anonymous SA for my husband, and S-anon for me) my husband came forward (for the first time EVER) and told me that he had stopped in at a convenient store while on a business trip (a few weeks before attending this first meeting) and deliberately looked at a Maxium magazine for the inappropriate pictures. Normally when finding out my husband had slipped up I would have been in a fit of anger, hurt, frustration, etc... but this time I wasn't, yes I was hurt (DEEPLY!!!), but I also felt peace, it felt like a step in the right direction. Some may think of looking at a Maxium magazine as very minor, I'm glad my husband was aware of how not "minor" that was to do that, and I am proud of him for being honest with me. All it takes is one seemingly "little" slip up, one "little" lie or deceit to spiral right back into active addiction.

My heart is telling me how much I love my husband and want to keep our family together, my mind is telling me to not forget the patterns that have lead us down this awful road, my gut is telling me to be cautious, and my God is telling me that if I will be but a little more patient, loving, and Christlike that there is hope and he has big plans for us! I have said it before and I will say it again- if my husband will completely put his life in the Lords hands, surrender everything he has, and every single day fight to keep these addictions and evil out of our life, then I WILL BE HERE HOLDING HIS HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! Our family is worth fitting for, we have amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sweet little children who need us to be happy, healthy, good parents!!! And aside from my husbands addictions we have a good marriage, we get along really well(we rarely fight over anything non-addiction related), we enjoy being together, we love each other, we are so compatible in so many ways and those are the things that keep me hanging on for dear life to my rope!

good days and BAD DAYS

2009-12-12T09:48:00.001-08:00

(Wife posting)

Lately I have had so many more good days then bad, but the other day I had a really bad day. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but at times it is really easy to slip into that "poor me" state of mind. I love my husband, I am proud of the positive changes he is making in his life, and we are working on making our future brighter, BUT there is still pain, heartache, resentment, distrust, anger, etc... These feelings are so real and so powerful. I do not want them to overcome me again, but there are times that I just don't want to deal with all of this. I want a husband who is not a pornography addict, who doesn't lie, who hasn't had a gambling problem. There is my husband and there is the addict, it is like he has a split personality. If you were to meet him in person you would think he was a sharp, good looking, smart, from outward appearances and perceptions he would seem like he has his life together. HECK, if you were to meet me in person you would think that I have my life together. I love my husband, I hate the addict. Does that make any since?

Recovery is a process. My husband isn't going to suddenly be better, he has to take it day by day. I am having to remind myself lately that this is a process for me too and I have to take it day by day as well. I would love any suggestions from others who have been through this or a similar trial on how they dealt with it. What worked for them and what didn't?

I Love You!

2009-12-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

(picture from our wedding day)

Babe, just wanted to say "I LOVE YOU". Things have been so great lately and I am so happy with the progress WE are making. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND FOREVER!!!

WOW!

2009-12-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)
A man recently commented on our blog, he too has a blog about sexual addiction recovery, www.feedtherightwolf.org. As I read through some of his posts it was interesting to see sexual addiction through the addicts eyes, he has many wonderful tools that he has used to help him with controlling his addictions and I am impressed with the actions he is taking DAILY in his life to recover. He had an interesting post that had this statistic from google trends.

Take a look for your self, aren't those numbers horrifying!!!
(Key words searched over the past 6 years)

Sexual addiction (or any addiction) must be taken SO SERIOUSLY!!! Pornography is a DRUG, just like cocaine is a drug, if we or someone we loved was addicted to cocaine would we not take it witth the utmost seriousness?