Thursday, December 17, 2009

Amazing Strength

Has anyone ever tried to hang on to a rope for as long as you can until you fall? I have and I didn't last long. The fact that somehow my wife has been able to hang on to threads for as long as she has is truely amazing. I feel lucky and blessed to still have her in my life. I love you babe and hope you can keep hanging in there while I contiue in recovery!
Hang in there this week, you can do it while i am away!
ps i am making good choices!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Covenant Eyes

(wife posting)
Recently a man commented on our blog, when I clicked on his name it took me to the Covenant Eyes website. WOW, there is some pretty interesting stuff on there. It is Christian based which I LOVE. I highly recommend visiting their site, Through their site they offer an Internet filtration system and also something they refer to as accountability software. The filter blocks objectionable websites from your computer and the accountability software sends Internet usage reports to the people you select. These reports are detailed, showing types of sites, times of the day, and red flagging questionable sites, also if someone tries to disable the software you will be notified immediately. I am so thrilled to find out this type of service/technology is out there! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!!! It's about time, right? And I love the name "Accountability Software", because it is not our jobs as the spouse to hold them accountable, it is the addicts, and if they truly want help, they need to hold THEMSELVES accountable!

We have used Internet blocks in the past that come standard on your computer, but at one point I was having to type in a code to go to ANY website. This became REALLY annoying and was a reminder several times a day of everything we have been through. I am done holding my husband accountable (or at least trying to anyway), he has to now hold him self accountable. I can't wait to download this software and I am very happy to see that it is very affordable, I believe it is around $8 per month. TOTALLY worth it in my opinion.

We also have a new 24 hour policy in our home. If my husband slips up in ANY way with ANY of his addictions he has 24 hours to confess to me. If he does slip up again there will be serious repercussions (i.e. moving out of our home for a period of time while I decide what is best for me and our children). If he slips up again and does not come to me within the 24 hour boundary we have agreed upon then I will very seriously have to look into divorce. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS. I have given my husband chance after chance after chance. I LOVE HIM, I WANT OUR FAMILY TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, but I WILL NOT be walked on and taken advantage of my entire life. I am giving him ANOTHER chance, I know that this is what the Lord wants me to do, but I can feel deep in my soul that this is all I have, I can't do this forever. My husband has to choose, his family and the Lord, or his addictions. Right now he is doing so well and I am so happy with the changes he is making, but it is a life long process. I know some people might not agree with the way I am choosing to handle this, but everyone is different, every one's rope is a different length, mine WAS long, and I am at the very end of it hanging on by a few threads. This doesn't mean I don't hope and pray every single day for a happy ending, but I am also trying to be logical and realize that my husband has not overcome his addictions in the past, there is a chance he wont now either!

I have mentioned in the past that my husband has never come forward on his own with any of his addictions. The reason that I am aware of his addictions is because I have caught him time and time again. Him not coming to me and me having to find things out on my own has been one of the hardest parts of this journey. I have BEGGED and PLEADED WITH HIM TO JUST COME TO ME! How can you help someone who won't help them self? After we first started attending our 12 step groups (Sexaholics Anonymous SA for my husband, and S-anon for me) my husband came forward (for the first time EVER) and told me that he had stopped in at a convenient store while on a business trip (a few weeks before attending this first meeting) and deliberately looked at a Maxium magazine for the inappropriate pictures. Normally when finding out my husband had slipped up I would have been in a fit of anger, hurt, frustration, etc... but this time I wasn't, yes I was hurt (DEEPLY!!!), but I also felt peace, it felt like a step in the right direction. Some may think of looking at a Maxium magazine as very minor, I'm glad my husband was aware of how not "minor" that was to do that, and I am proud of him for being honest with me. All it takes is one seemingly "little" slip up, one "little" lie or deceit to spiral right back into active addiction.

My heart is telling me how much I love my husband and want to keep our family together, my mind is telling me to not forget the patterns that have lead us down this awful road, my gut is telling me to be cautious, and my God is telling me that if I will be but a little more patient, loving, and Christlike that there is hope and he has big plans for us! I have said it before and I will say it again- if my husband will completely put his life in the Lords hands, surrender everything he has, and every single day fight to keep these addictions and evil out of our life, then I WILL BE HERE HOLDING HIS HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! Our family is worth fitting for, we have amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sweet little children who need us to be happy, healthy, good parents!!! And aside from my husbands addictions we have a good marriage, we get along really well(we rarely fight over anything non-addiction related), we enjoy being together, we love each other, we are so compatible in so many ways and those are the things that keep me hanging on for dear life to my rope!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

good days and BAD DAYS

(Wife posting)

Lately I have had so many more good days then bad, but the other day I had a really bad day. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but at times it is really easy to slip into that "poor me" state of mind. I love my husband, I am proud of the positive changes he is making in his life, and we are working on making our future brighter, BUT there is still pain, heartache, resentment, distrust, anger, etc... These feelings are so real and so powerful. I do not want them to overcome me again, but there are times that I just don't want to deal with all of this. I want a husband who is not a pornography addict, who doesn't lie, who hasn't had a gambling problem. There is my husband and there is the addict, it is like he has a split personality. If you were to meet him in person you would think he was a sharp, good looking, smart, from outward appearances and perceptions he would seem like he has his life together. HECK, if you were to meet me in person you would think that I have my life together. I love my husband, I hate the addict. Does that make any since?

Recovery is a process. My husband isn't going to suddenly be better, he has to take it day by day. I am having to remind myself lately that this is a process for me too and I have to take it day by day as well. I would love any suggestions from others who have been through this or a similar trial on how they dealt with it. What worked for them and what didn't?

Monday, December 7, 2009

I Love You!

(wife posting)

(picture from our wedding day)

Babe, just wanted to say "I LOVE YOU". Things have been so great lately and I am so happy with the progress WE are making. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND FOREVER!!!


(wife posting)
A man recently commented on our blog, he too has a blog about sexual addiction recovery, As I read through some of his posts it was interesting to see sexual addiction through the addicts eyes, he has many wonderful tools that he has used to help him with controlling his addictions and I am impressed with the actions he is taking DAILY in his life to recover. He had an interesting post that had this statistic from google trends.

Take a look for your self, aren't those numbers horrifying!!!
(Key words searched over the past 6 years)

Sexual addiction (or any addiction) must be taken SO SERIOUSLY!!! Pornography is a DRUG, just like cocaine is a drug, if we or someone we loved was addicted to cocaine would we not take it witth the utmost seriousness?

A picture worth a THOUSAND words...

(Wife Posting)

Over Thanks Giving I snapped a picture of my husband and I. As I was looking back through the pictures on our camera, this picture of us took my breath away. There was a light in my husbands eyes (and mine for that matter) that I have not seen in a very long time. I have not a single doubt that this change in my husband is a direct result of the humility he is showing and the effort he is making to change. Just a few short months ago (if you read back further you will know what I am talking about)I basically thought that just about all hope was lost, I didn't think that my husband would ever change, I didn't think that I could ever get better. I am so grateful for whatever it was that flipped the switch on for both my husband and I. I feel like going to our 12-step groups and getting to hear DAN GRAY from the Lifestar addiction recovery program speak in person has played a HUGE roll in our recovery. Every time I look at this photograph my eyes swell with tears of gratitude for the changes that are happening in our life, for the healing that only FAITH in the Savior can bring, for the blessing of having the knowledge of the Gospel, and for the opportunity we are being given to repent and start over.

The other night I was attending my 12-step group and a woman mentioned her husbands eyes changing. Unfortunately she had not experienced what I recently have, instead she experienced the opposite. She said that she could see the "change" in her husbands eyes and that she feels like she is just standing still waiting for a train to hit her. This absolutely broke my heart, I know her pain, I know the "change" she is talking about, my entire soul aches for her, because, I KNOW!

I am trying very heard to focus on doing the things I need to do DAILY to be happy in this life, to do things that are pleasing unto the Lord, and to not spend so much time focusing on the past. The past is the past, I can not change it (although I would like to), I can only learn and grow from it. NOW is the present and I need to learn to live in the present, taking life one day at a time. I really have a difficult time not dwelling on the past or day dreaming about a better future. I can not make my future better or my children's future better if I don't DAILY be the kind of person I want to be, TODAY!

I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds in the past few months. Things have been so hard in so many different ways but I am incredibly grateful for the trials Heavenly Father has allowed me to face. I have not always been grateful for my trials, for a very long time I took on the victim, "WHY ME", attitude, but now, today, I am so grateful for my trials. My trials have taught me patience, they have humbled me beyond words, they have brought me closer to the Savior and our Heavenly Father, they have strengthened my testimony, and they have helped me to work towards being the person I WANT TO BE! As I have truly placed my life in the Lords hands and realized that I cannot do this alone, that I cannot fix my husband, and that the only person I can fix is me, I have felt this unbelievable inner strength I didn't know I had. I can now see the Lords hand in EVERY aspect on my life, I am so grateful to be closer to him, and want to be worthy to live with him again someday.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Sometimes when as an addict I am having a good week or day, you know really feeling on top of my life and in control of my actions, I don't think about those in my life (primarily my wife) that I have hurt and disapointed and how just because I am doing well it doesn't mean that they are. So i would like to tell my wife that I love her and I am sorry if I have not been very empathetic this week.
That being said I was just looking back at this last week and already I can see the Pride before the Fall. I haven't been as good at doing the little daily things that will insure myself the best chance each day to over come my addictions. I have not been VIGILANT. That is going to be my focus this week. I am going to be vigilant or as the defintion explains ; watchfull expecially to danger. I know that when things are going well not only with life but also with addictions that we tend to let our gaurd down and get complacent

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


(wife posting)

We have heard so many great things about this book, we are going to buy it and read it together, hope you all will too!!!

(If you have read this book, WE WOULD LOVE to know what you thought about it!!!)

You can find more information & purchase this book at

He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD

He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
He Restoreth my Soul, is one of the most informative and helpful books written to date on the subject of sexual / pornography addiction. This is a must read by all who have been afflicted by pornography, the “plague of this generation”.

Below you will find an Excerpt from his Donald L. Hilton’s book, “He restoreth My Soul”

“Most, if not all, families will be affected by pornography. If you are a man, you must first safeguard yourself. If you are secretly involved, hopefully this work will convince you there will never be peace for you until you are healed. If you are free from addiction now, you must still guard yourself against future addiction, as all are vulnerable who are not “sober and vigilant,” as Peter warned. If you are a father, it is essential to understand what your sons will be exposed to and that he will be at serious risk for addiction at some point in his life. If you are a woman please understand that this problem is real and must be confronted head on. You also need to be aware of the profound risk your sons face.

It is important for those who have daughters to understand that although the numbers are smaller for girls, there is still a risk, both from visual pornography and primarily from chat rooms, text messaging, and verbal pornography. Also, studies are showing that the young men whom they will date and consider for marriage have virtually all been exposed and many have been or are addicted, to a lesser or greater degree. It is imperative that every young woman understands the scope and seriousness of this problem. Her awareness will help her to be discerning in dating and eventually choosing a marriage partner. Our extended family members are also at risk: sons and daughters-in-law, grandchildren and their spouses, and other loved ones.

Hopefully, bishops and ecclesiastical leaders will find this work to be helpful in understanding the difficulty of treating pornography and sexual addiction adequately from a spiritual perspective alone.

This problem is at least as serious as I have represented it to be and it will continue to escalate. Knowledge is power: we will become more empowered with each bit of knowledge we accrue in regard to pornography addiction. While we have been appropriately concerned about devastating physical diseases such as AIDS, with more understanding and emphasis we will also be able to protect ourselves and our loved ones from this other “overflowing scourge” of pornography. I sincerely hope this work will be helpful to all, both men and women, boys and girls, who struggle with addictions of any kind, including related sexual addictions and compulsions such as same sex attraction, compulsive promiscuity, and also drug addictions.”

“Technology has accelerated our fascination with pleasure. Indeed, the power of pleasure has been underestimated, and Internet pornography is changing the world in a fundamental way. Over 200 years ago the poet Robert Burns said, ”But pleasures are like poppies spread, You seize the flow’r, its bloom is shed; Or like the snow falls in the river, A moment white – then melts forever.” Yet to the person in addiction, the momentary pleasure is irresistible and all-important. The price of acting out in addiction seems paltry compared to the temporary payoff, yet the despair in between episodes of acting out increases as losses accumulate. In this work we explore the power of addiction, not just from a moral and spiritual perspective, but with the scrutiny of modern science, which now tells us that there is little difference in the physical or chemical changes in the pleasure and control centers of the brain regardless of whether the addiction is “from a chemical or an experience,” as stated in the journal Science. It is imperative that we treat pornography and sexual addiction with the respect accorded any drug addiction, for, as we shall see, that is precisely what it is.”