It has been quite awhile since I have written on this blog. I REALLY need to work on this. Not just for the benefit of others going through similar trials but for my own personal progress. I need to track when I am struggling and when I am doing well. It is really discouraging to me that my husband has not written on here in a very long time, BUT the only person I can change, work on, or improve is myself. SO HERE I AM.
Oh how I wish I could say that things were going terrifically, that life was like a fairy tale, but that just isn't reality weather you are married to someone with addictions or not. Life is hard, marriage is HARD, parenthood is hard. All of these things are sooooo worth it, but they don't come without some huge obstacles. With the start of the new year I had set some great goals for my self. Some of them are going great, some ok, and some not so great. I really need to check-in with myself weekly and really think about how things are going and how I can improve them. My husband and I are really struggling with somethings right now, there is no quick fix, these things are going to take patience, time, effort, willpower, and most importantly turning them over to the Lord. I wish they could be fixed instantly and we could go back to our happy life together, but that just isn't the case.
For several years now my husband (as far as I am aware) has not been active in his addictions. I wouldn't say that he has them beat by any means, but he is not participating in them. Although it feels great for these addictions to not be a regular part of our life now, I can't help but think that they still are. Someone who has struggled with alcoholism is always going to be an alcoholic weather or not they are drinking. The same goes for my husband, he isn't suddenly NOT addicted to pornography or gambling, he isn't seeking after those things, but his addictions are still there, they are still very real, and we always have to have our guard up. I really hate that you can't just become un-addicted, I wish so badly that it would GO AWAY FOREVER. Addictions alter your thought process, your personality, your rational thinking, they go far beyond the addictions them selves.
It has been a ROUGH week at our house this past week. I have been very frustrated with my husband for not following through on some VERY important things. I have asked nicely, begged, pleaded, cried, yelled and still things are not getting done that absolutely NEED to be done. I can't help but think that some of his inability to follow through on things has to do with his addictive personality. I am not sharing this to rip on my husband, I am sharing it to show how addictions can effect so many different aspects of a persons life. Addicts are "People Pleasers", they tell you what you want to hear so that you will be happy and leave them alone. They want you to "think" they are going to do something, but that doesn't mean they have any intention on actually following through. I don't believe that my husband does this intentionally, I believe he has good intentions, but has had these bad patterns of living for so long, that he doesn't know how to follow through on things. I am not saying this is the case for all people with addictions, but I do believe it is the case for many. I wish I knew how to help him with this, I wish I knew how to WAKE HIM UP to reality, but the truth is that I can't do anything about this. I can love him and support him, but only he can make these changes in his life. Just because I can't change him doesn't mean that I am going to be ok with him not following through when he says he is going to. It might sound like I am treating him like a child, but he has made the decision to not follow through on some very important things and there are going to be consequences.
This past week has been a real eye-opener to me to see how my husband and I are doing, personally, as a couple, as a family, as parents, etc... The sad truth is we are not doing well. We are really struggling in many ways and we were both in denial about it. I wish it didn't take a bad situation to wake us up. All along we should have been continuing to follow up with a councilor, our Bishop, etc... But things get going ok again and we stop seeking for help, when really we need to continually be seeking after help. I would hope at some point we could need less and less help, but I think we are going to always need "check ups" with a councilor and Bishop. Even if we are totally healthy and feel great we still need a physical once a year, our mental health is no different and for my husband and I a once a year check-up after everything we have been through is not even close to enough.
It is time for some serious adjustments in our life and step one is going to our new Bishop and making him aware of our situation. I hate doing this because I want to think we are past off of this and that since my husband isn't active in his addictions then we should have to do this. But the truth is we do, we are not past this, we have been through some very, very difficult times, but we are not immune from them happening again. I want to "check-in" with our Bishop and make him aware of our history so that he can help guide and direct us on the proper path to take for our RECOVERY. I like to think that we are in the "recovery" phase of all of this, we are going to have some bumps and bruses along the way, but that doesn't mean we aren't working toward recovering.