Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If you saw me on the street...

(wife posting)

If you were to see me on the street, or at the grocery store, or at my kids elementary school I would look from outward appearances like I have my life put together. You wouldn't see the hurt, resentment, and anger that I sometimes carry inside me. You would just see a wife and mother who loves her family and is trying very hard each day to do the best she can.

I often wonder when I put on a "Happy Face" if people can see through it? The TRUTH is that majority of the time I am VERY HAPPY, I love my life, and my family. BUT there are days that living with an addict is TOO MUCH and this burden is hard to bear.

I am VERY proud of my husband for the progress he has made. I am very proud of him for not having any relapses in the last several years, but just because he has not relapsed does not mean he is no longer an addict. I wish that it could be OVER, that we could both walk away from this disease and be fully recovered. But the truth of the matter is that this will be a life long battle, a life long recovery process, and it takes making the right choices {EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.}.

One of the hardest parts for me in all this is not being able to fix things. I WANT TO FIX MY HUSBAND, I want to free him, us from this. I HATE that I can't do this! Letting go of my desires to control things is very hard for me. It's not that I am a control freak, I just want to make things better when I can.

I know that the only person I can change is ME. I am working on this, taking baby steps, and working towards being a better me. Addiction spreads into every aspect of your life, I have seen this for my husband and my self. You HAVE to wake up each day ready to do whatever it takes to let Satan know that HE WILL NOT WIN!

This week my husband and I are working on forming better habits and keeping to a better schedule. I know that it is going to be very hard at first, but I hope that with the help of Heavenly Father and the support of each other that over time that we can replace our bad habits with good ones. Here are a few things we are working on...

1. Going to bed by 10pm & waking up by 6am (during the week)
2. Reading our scriptures & praying as a family and personally each day
3. Having couples prayer each day & reading an ensign article together
4. Exercising at least 4x each week
5. Being on time to church each week
6. Attending the temple a min. of 1x each month
7. Fulfilling our home teaching and visiting teaching
8. Magnifying our church callings
9. Having weekly FHE with our family
10.Being calmer & more patient with our children

***I KNOW that if we can put our lives in the Lords Hands and follow is commandments that he will help us through any trial that we are given in this life. Trials test and try our faith, but if we are faithful to the end the Lord will bless us! When we follow the Lords plan he is bound and will always take care of us.***

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Self Confidence (wife posting)

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

(I found this cartoon and thought it was funny! Sometimes it seems easier to just sit back and not work on our selves but then we just feel crappy, in the end doing the hard work it takes to build self confidence is worth the result and rewards!)

I haven't posted in awhile and I really want to be better about this. I want to keep my self on a positive track and focus on not dwelling on the past. As usual life is crazy. We have a family, home, career, church callings, etc... to take care of. I have really learned in the last few years how important it is to always take care of MYSELF... I know this may sound selfish, but when I am not taking very good care of myself, I am really not taking very good care of most things in my life.

Most, if not all women who have been through the trial of having a husband addicted to pornography have experienced some very serious doubts in their self confidence. I know that this has been the case for me, it is hard not to feel bad about your self, your body, your looks, etc... when your husband is caught in this addiction. I want all of the women (or men) who read this blog to know that your spouses addictions have NOTHING to do with you. Unfortunately some caught in this addiction may tell you that it is because you are not affectionate enough, or sexual enough, etc...(I am very lucky that my husband is aware that this is his problem and has never said these things to me personally, but it happens in LOTS of similar situations). It is so important that we always remember that we did not cause this addiction, nor is it in anyway our fault.

For me going back to school and attending a 12-step group for spouses has greatly increased my confidence. Going back to school and gaining an education in a field I LOVE has helped me to have a personal identity outside of being a wife and mother. I LOVE being a wife and a mother but needed something that was just for me. Attending the support group also greatly helped me to regain my self confidence, it was cleansing to hear that I am not crazy, the feelings and frustrations I have are normal and very common in this situation.

To those who are caught or have been caught in the addiction of pornography...
You can in know way understand your spouses side of this. The hurt, the anger, the frustration, the distrust, the heartache, embarrassment, and self doubting. I don't say these things to make you feel worse, but I say them to help you understand the various levels of destruction that this disease of addiction causes. Out of all of the emails that I have gotten since starting this blog, almost EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been from a wife who WANTS to help her husband, who loves her husband, who wants to save her family, and who is HURTING. From the bottom of my heart I beg you to think about what pornography has done to your life, your marriage, your self, and others. Thank your wife for wanting to help you, thank her for loving you enough to be willing to work things out, and thank Heavenly Father for putting someone in your life who is willing to forgive you, support you, and love you. Think about what pornography can do to a persons self image and self esteem... Tell your wife EVERYDAY how beautiful she is (or your husband), help her to feel more confident and secure, help to re-build her self esteem, she NEEDS this from you just as much as you need her love and support!

Monday, July 25, 2011

LIES Feed Addiction (wife posting)

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted on this blog. I wish that I could say that things have been so blissfully happy that I haven't felt the need to let out steam through writing. The actual truth is that things on the whole since my last post have been good, we are currently struggling with some issues, but we are dealing with them and working through them. I think often times when things are "good" we start to slack off in our diligence. I know that has been the case for me at least. When my husbands addictions aren't starring me right in the face, I tend to forget how important it is to continue to work on myself and my recovery.

For myself, coping with the distrust that my husbands addictions have brought into our marriage is a daily battle. One I often times don't win. There are many days where my mind wanders and I find myself paranoid about where he is and what he's doing. A major issue that my husband and I have is that he has a BIG problem telling the truth with both small and big issues. I have tried for years to figure out WHY it is so hard for him to be honest about little things (and big things). I am not sharing this to bash my husband in anyway, but I want to be REAL and HONEST on this blog. If I'm not honest about how we are "REALLY DOING" then I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I found this quote online and I think it fits nicely with how strongly I feel about the need to be honest...

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people".

To me honesty and Integrity go hand in hand. And in a marriage if you don't have both of those you are fighting a loosing battle. Which is exactly how I feel when my husband is dishonest with me about anything... if he can't be honest about little things, then HOW ON EARTH is he going to be honest about BIG things???

I believe lying is a key component to addiction. When you participate in things such as pornography, gambling, drugs, or whatever your addiction might be and you live a double life, hiding your "addictive" self from others, then you have no choice but to LIE to keep up your destructive lifestyle. When these things go on for years and years, you have become a habitual liar, and after time I'm sure lying comes easier then telling the truth.

*I found this article online about Lying & Addictions and believe that it fully supports my feelings on why lies feed addictions. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

I can not and will not put up with lying of any kind in my marriage. Trust is not handed out freely but EARNED. It is not just earned by not participating in addictions, it is earned in THOUGHT, WORD, AND DEED. To be truly honest with others you must be completely honest with yourself. Often times really taking an inward look at our own life is not easy, depending on the choices we have made it can be down right painful, BUT true HONESTY and INTEGRITY requires us to do so. If lying is something you really struggle with then I believe it will require some serious self discipline to break this horrible habit!

To My Husband,

I love you with all my heart. I love our family and our beautiful children. We deserve the TRUTH at all times and in all situations. Lies weather big or small are still lies. WE have worked too hard and come too far for you to break down the trust that has been re-built by being dishonest with me. I realize that honesty is something you really struggle with and I am willing to help you, but it is going to take both of us working together to combat this problem. Little lies turn into big lies and then before you know it we will be right back at square one again and frankly that is somewhere I AM NEVER WILLING TO GO BACK TO. I have stuck by your side through hell and back, I have earned the right for you to respect me, our family, & yourself enough to ALWAYS be honest. I NEED you to know how serious I am about this and that it is not something I am willing to put up with. I know that the intentions of your heart are good, know you want to do what is right, but you have to show me daily that you are working hard to break these bad habits.


Your Wife