Well I am unsure if anyone even reads this blog anymore, but I find journaling valuable to my healing and recovery so if no one reads this at least I will have somewhere I can let out my feelings. I really don't even know where to start or what to share. My husband is in a very bad place with his addictions and it has turned our entire world upside down. I am still evaluating and praying about how much I want to share on this public blog. At this point I don't know if I will stay with him or not.
I thought that we were a success story in the world of pornography addiction, I THOUGHT we had done the work, I thought we were BOTH committed to recovery. Sadly I was very wrong about this. I love my husband and I love our family. I believe in the atonement and I believe that people can be healed from addictions with lots of hard work and honestly turning their lives over to the Lord. I also know my husband is sick, his brain has been damaged severely from being exposed to pornography at a very young age (about 12) and as the years have gone on and he has actively "acted out" in his addiction his mental state has only gotten worse. I KNOW my husband is a Child of God, I know he has a good heart, I know he loves me and our children, I know he has incredible talents, knowing all of this is what makes this all so much harder, WHY couldn't he see his worth?
I want to be a voice for women going through this challenging, heart breaking trial. I want them to know that their feelings are valid. I want them to know that their husbands pornography addiction is NOT their fault. I want them to know that it isn't crazy to trust your spouse, that is what marriage is built on. What is crazy is for the other person to disrespect and destroy that trust. As I continue to educate myself on addiction I plan to share things I learn so that I can bring others understanding and peace about this devastating addiction.
I feel like my husband has a cancer of the brain and of the soul. I hate how much shame surrounds this addiction and how we hide in our shame instead of reaching out for help. You don't exactly call up people at Church and say 'hey my husband has a pornography addiction and I really could use some help'. Yet, if my husband had actual cancer I could do that and I would have support instantly from my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints).
I am taking this day by day. I am doing my very best to turn things over to the Lord and put this in his hands. I know with the help of the Savior I can personally be healed from this. My healing doesn't mean my husband will heal and that breaks my heart. I have been fighting for this family for the past ten years, I have let Satan know I will not go down without a fight and if it comes to the point where I know Heavenly Father wants me to walk away I will know that Satan still has not won. No matter what I can be happy and find peace. No matter what I can be true to myself, my beliefs, and my God. No matter what I can be a great mom and give my kids a happy life, because I KNOW Heavenly Father will provide a way.
Please pray for my family. Pray for my children, pray for my husband, pray for me, we NEED prayers. Please feel free to share comments, I ask that anyone who comments is respectful and recognizes that myself and other people who comment are in very fragile places and your words should be chosen wisely and with respect. I want this to be where people can come for guidance and support.