Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Loop

I would first like to say a few things to my family. I love u. I will always love you. I could never do this without you. My wife has been both a loving partner that lovingly helps me and a loving partner that gives me "tough love" when called for. I don't think i realize how hard the tough love can be for the one giving it. I know I don't espesially love being on the receiving end of it even though I need it but I have never considered how hard that could be to give out so let me just say thankyou for still being there.
About a week and a half ago I went to my first SA meeting(sexaholic anonomous). To say it was eye opening would be an understatement. I saw people going through what I have been going through, people going through worse, and people who I could see that struggled with my problem and didn't get help and went on to have much bigger problems before they got help. It scared me to death. It motivated me to want to do more. It gave me hope and then I fell right into my loop!
I don't know if all people with my addictions have this loop or if it is just me but I hate it. Something will happen to cause high emotions(most likely me not doing what I promise to do to show my wife I am actively doing something about my addictions) and there will be a fight and I will feel bad and make more promises to myself and my wife, then for all of a second I will do that, then I will get busy and because my wife seems okay I will think things are fine I will go right back to life as if I were a normal person and my wife and I a normal couple, then comes another high emotional event. That is the loop and I feel stuck in it. The problem is that the loop leads me inevitable back to my addiction. I have managed to stay in the loop for over a year without a major relapse but I know that if I don't start showing the Lord, my wife and myself everyday that I am going to stop this addiction from ruling me then I will lose everything. I need out of this loop so bad, I want out so bad, I don't get why I can't seem to do it! It is hard to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am. It is hard to look at my marriage and see what I have done to it. I am not a normal person and things with my wife and I are not good. I am not sure if we will make it. It will be because of me if we don't. It is scarey to write that but it is the only way to keep it from happening. If we as addicts don't see things the way they really are we can never correct them.
One promise I made to myself and my wife was that I would write in this blog once a week. You can see how well I've done. I am doing so right now infact because of another high emotional event(lets call those HEEs) but even though it would have been better if I had done so on my own I know if I don't start the habit of doing it with these reminders I might never.
I know I say this too much but to my wife I am sorry It takes me so long to "get it" and I do love you so much.


  1. (wife)

    Thank you for the post, I truly appreciate your effort despite that it had to come about because of an argument. I love you and I am sorry that my 'tough love' often comes out it in the form of anger, I need to work on controlling my anger and being direct and setting bounderies with you without my anger consuming me. We cannot have the spirit in our home when there is so much anger and contention. I hope that we can work together to make our home a 'haven' from the world, a safe place for us and our children, and a place the spirit is always present and welcome.

    I love you so much!

  2. I have found for me that working a program helps me stay out of the loop. Just staying away from our addictions is not good enough. We have to change our way of thinking, we have to change everything. If we do that, we know how to deal with these emotional events, whether they be good or bad. You took the right step in going to the meeting, now work the steps and work a program. It will work, I promise!