Over Thanks Giving I snapped a picture of my husband and I. As I was looking back through the pictures on our camera, this picture of us took my breath away. There was a light in my husbands eyes (and mine for that matter) that I have not seen in a very long time. I have not a single doubt that this change in my husband is a direct result of the humility he is showing and the effort he is making to change. Just a few short months ago (if you read back further you will know what I am talking about)I basically thought that just about all hope was lost, I didn't think that my husband would ever change, I didn't think that I could ever get better. I am so grateful for whatever it was that flipped the switch on for both my husband and I. I feel like going to our 12-step groups and getting to hear DAN GRAY from the Lifestar addiction recovery program speak in person has played a HUGE roll in our recovery. Every time I look at this photograph my eyes swell with tears of gratitude for the changes that are happening in our life, for the healing that only FAITH in the Savior can bring, for the blessing of having the knowledge of the Gospel, and for the opportunity we are being given to repent and start over.
The other night I was attending my 12-step group and a woman mentioned her husbands eyes changing. Unfortunately she had not experienced what I recently have, instead she experienced the opposite. She said that she could see the "change" in her husbands eyes and that she feels like she is just standing still waiting for a train to hit her. This absolutely broke my heart, I know her pain, I know the "change" she is talking about, my entire soul aches for her, because, I KNOW!
I am trying very heard to focus on doing the things I need to do DAILY to be happy in this life, to do things that are pleasing unto the Lord, and to not spend so much time focusing on the past. The past is the past, I can not change it (although I would like to), I can only learn and grow from it. NOW is the present and I need to learn to live in the present, taking life one day at a time. I really have a difficult time not dwelling on the past or day dreaming about a better future. I can not make my future better or my children's future better if I don't DAILY be the kind of person I want to be, TODAY!
I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds in the past few months. Things have been so hard in so many different ways but I am incredibly grateful for the trials Heavenly Father has allowed me to face. I have not always been grateful for my trials, for a very long time I took on the victim, "WHY ME", attitude, but now, today, I am so grateful for my trials. My trials have taught me patience, they have humbled me beyond words, they have brought me closer to the Savior and our Heavenly Father, they have strengthened my testimony, and they have helped me to work towards being the person I WANT TO BE! As I have truly placed my life in the Lords hands and realized that I cannot do this alone, that I cannot fix my husband, and that the only person I can fix is me, I have felt this unbelievable inner strength I didn't know I had. I can now see the Lords hand in EVERY aspect on my life, I am so grateful to be closer to him, and want to be worthy to live with him again someday.