Monday, December 14, 2009
Recently a man commented on our blog, when I clicked on his name it took me to the Covenant Eyes website. WOW, there is some pretty interesting stuff on there. It is Christian based which I LOVE. I highly recommend visiting their site, www.covenanteyes.com. Through their site they offer an Internet filtration system and also something they refer to as accountability software. The filter blocks objectionable websites from your computer and the accountability software sends Internet usage reports to the people you select. These reports are detailed, showing types of sites, times of the day, and red flagging questionable sites, also if someone tries to disable the software you will be notified immediately. I am so thrilled to find out this type of service/technology is out there! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!!! It's about time, right? And I love the name "Accountability Software", because it is not our jobs as the spouse to hold them accountable, it is the addicts, and if they truly want help, they need to hold THEMSELVES accountable!
We have used Internet blocks in the past that come standard on your computer, but at one point I was having to type in a code to go to ANY website. This became REALLY annoying and was a reminder several times a day of everything we have been through. I am done holding my husband accountable (or at least trying to anyway), he has to now hold him self accountable. I can't wait to download this software and I am very happy to see that it is very affordable, I believe it is around $8 per month. TOTALLY worth it in my opinion.
We also have a new 24 hour policy in our home. If my husband slips up in ANY way with ANY of his addictions he has 24 hours to confess to me. If he does slip up again there will be serious repercussions (i.e. moving out of our home for a period of time while I decide what is best for me and our children). If he slips up again and does not come to me within the 24 hour boundary we have agreed upon then I will very seriously have to look into divorce. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS. I have given my husband chance after chance after chance. I LOVE HIM, I WANT OUR FAMILY TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, but I WILL NOT be walked on and taken advantage of my entire life. I am giving him ANOTHER chance, I know that this is what the Lord wants me to do, but I can feel deep in my soul that this is all I have, I can't do this forever. My husband has to choose, his family and the Lord, or his addictions. Right now he is doing so well and I am so happy with the changes he is making, but it is a life long process. I know some people might not agree with the way I am choosing to handle this, but everyone is different, every one's rope is a different length, mine WAS long, and I am at the very end of it hanging on by a few threads. This doesn't mean I don't hope and pray every single day for a happy ending, but I am also trying to be logical and realize that my husband has not overcome his addictions in the past, there is a chance he wont now either!
I have mentioned in the past that my husband has never come forward on his own with any of his addictions. The reason that I am aware of his addictions is because I have caught him time and time again. Him not coming to me and me having to find things out on my own has been one of the hardest parts of this journey. I have BEGGED and PLEADED WITH HIM TO JUST COME TO ME! How can you help someone who won't help them self? After we first started attending our 12 step groups (Sexaholics Anonymous SA for my husband, and S-anon for me) my husband came forward (for the first time EVER) and told me that he had stopped in at a convenient store while on a business trip (a few weeks before attending this first meeting) and deliberately looked at a Maxium magazine for the inappropriate pictures. Normally when finding out my husband had slipped up I would have been in a fit of anger, hurt, frustration, etc... but this time I wasn't, yes I was hurt (DEEPLY!!!), but I also felt peace, it felt like a step in the right direction. Some may think of looking at a Maxium magazine as very minor, I'm glad my husband was aware of how not "minor" that was to do that, and I am proud of him for being honest with me. All it takes is one seemingly "little" slip up, one "little" lie or deceit to spiral right back into active addiction.
My heart is telling me how much I love my husband and want to keep our family together, my mind is telling me to not forget the patterns that have lead us down this awful road, my gut is telling me to be cautious, and my God is telling me that if I will be but a little more patient, loving, and Christlike that there is hope and he has big plans for us! I have said it before and I will say it again- if my husband will completely put his life in the Lords hands, surrender everything he has, and every single day fight to keep these addictions and evil out of our life, then I WILL BE HERE HOLDING HIS HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! Our family is worth fitting for, we have amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sweet little children who need us to be happy, healthy, good parents!!! And aside from my husbands addictions we have a good marriage, we get along really well(we rarely fight over anything non-addiction related), we enjoy being together, we love each other, we are so compatible in so many ways and those are the things that keep me hanging on for dear life to my rope!