Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Past and Procrastination

How do u get past the past? I dont know how to undo what I've done and it doesn't seem like I can move on from the my past mistakes. I know that I can but sometimes it feels like the people my addictions have hurt want to contiually bring up the past and how much damage I have caused. It makes me feel like they dont want to move on. In reality it is the damage I have caused that makes it so hard for those I love to try and move on from the past because they r so afraid to go through all the pain and sorrow addictions cause again. One can only give another person so many chances before there is nothing left. I am getting close to that point with my wife and I am very lucky and blessed she has stood by me thus far! I have a wonderful wife whom I have hurt very badly through the past several years. While I have never cheated on her physically with another person porn is a form of mental unfaithfullness and for that I am and will be forever sorry. I love you and want you to know how much staying with me while I (hopefully and finally) learn to control and recover from my addiction means to me.

For me the hardest part of all this is not pretending like everything is fine. When my wife seems to be okay and I am busy and just living my life seemingly addiction free I tend to think my wife is okay and I am addiction free. Then the aftermath of my addictions rears it's ugly head in the form of either a nasty fight because I am trying to pretend everything is alright and I don't understand why my wife can't just let it go and I talk and act insenitively or I am not following through on my Daily promices to actively remember and recover from my addictions so my wife calls me on it and I get defensive and make it worse. Why won't I do the little things I need to do to show myself and my wife I will not let my addictions come back into our life again. I know one thing for sure if I dont I am going to have a relapse and It could very well end things with my wife. So how does a perpetutal procrastinator stop procrastinating? I wish I knew but I am going to try my hardest to figure it out and when I do I will let you know!!!

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? You probably have, but it is a must. Go out and rent it TONIGHT.

    I am a female that has a torrid past. My husband has never done anything so it is really hard for me to always relate, and usually it is the other way around, but even in our marriage I have slipped up and the feeling of always never measuring up in my own head is usually where it comes back to. I just never feel like I am deserving of my life and love. Sometimes I hate not feeling equal in my marriage, but he never tells me that I am not worthy of him or anything. It's mostly just me always carrying around the baggage.

    In my experience, the answer to your question is simple, although it's probably one of the hardest things to do.
    You simply have to ask the Lord for all the help. Have faith that he can make you whole again and you will feel clean and deserving. I'm in the process right now.
    I am also in therapy.
    I am also reading He did deliver me from Bondage.

    No one would EVER know this about me by looking at me. My husband and I seem like the typical couple with 3 kids, dog and a mortgage. Surely it's a trial that both you are going through, and it's something that my husband and I have devoted. Divorce is NOT an option - he is a product of divorce and it ruined his life. It was awful for his family and he's vowed to do whatever it takes.
    I hope that you think of your children and how much better they deserve. Dont you want to be the husband that can say at the end of your life that you lead a good life... that you stuck to your guns, stayed with your wife, were a great role model for your kids and overcame your demons?

    I sure do.
    Keep up the work. It'll pay off.