Sunday, September 27, 2009

New day, Same BATTLE

(wife posting)

I have been meaning to post for awhile now but life has been so busy that I haven't had much free time. Our family is ALL together again and it has been really nice to have us all under one roof. The kids have missed their daddy SOOO much and it is great to not be single parenting anymore. The first couple of days that we were all home together things between my husband and I were wonderful, then slowly the 'honeymoon' effect began to wear off and we have been struggling with re-adjusting to living together again. I knew that this would be a hard adjustment but I guess I was just really hopeful that my husband would be a changed man after almost 3 months with out his family. I felt so much humility from him while we were apart but now that we are together again I feel like he is right back in his comfort zone and isn't appreciating what a GIFT it is to have his family back. I by no means expected him to completely change, but I really thought that maybe things would 'sink in' a little deeper. To his credit things have been CRAZY with work, with the kids, one of our cars completely died, etc... etc... We are experiencing many more trials on top of our marital problems and my husbands addictions, but still I am finding my self puzzled that he isn't making a bigger effort to show me that he is grateful that he now has his family back in his life.

Our marriage has been made up of broken promises after broken promises. My husband gets caught in addiction, promises to stop and change, then things happen again. I do know that he wants to stop, he wants to be free of these addictions, but I don't believe he knows how to stop. I really don't know where to go from here. I want to stay, I want things to work out, I want our family to be together but yet I don't see my husband doing anything to make those things possible. Yes he is a great dad, he is helpful around the house, he works hard to provide for our family, but what he doesn't do is actively DEAL with his addictions. He thinks that just because he isn't currently looking at pornography or gambling that he doesn't need to daily deal with these things. I truly believe that if you struggle with addiction of any kind that you MUST work on controlling those addictions EVERYDAY, because if you don't they will just creep right back into your life in one form or another. This blog is a PERFECT example of my husband promising to do something and not following through with it. We set this blog up as a tool for HIM to work on actively dealing with his addictions, he promised to write here regularly, but that has obviously NOT happened. I am tired of broken promises, I am tired of my husband not dealing with HIS addictions, I am tired of being the one to always SAVE him. I just want him to follow through with his promises, I don't want to have to ask him to write on this blog, I want him to do it because he knows it will help him work through these things. I don't want to have to ask him to go to counseling, I want HIM to set up the appointment. I am tired of carrying all of the load on my shoulders!!!

I have done some pretty serious soul searching these last few months and have decided that I will no longer let my husband hold me back from MY healing. I will no longer wait for him to make the counseling appointment, I will just go alone because it is something that I need to do for ME. I am also going to go to a meeting once a week for women that have been through experiences similar to mine, this is something I am VERY nervous about doing, but I believe that it will help me. I have also done a lot of research about depression recently and I really think that there is a very good chance that I have been suffering from depression for a very long time. This is not something that I want to admit, but I know that the only way for me to get help is to deal with MY issues head on. For now I am going to stop trying to 'fix' my husband and work on fixing ME.

I want to encourage those that are personally struggling with addiction or those that are struggling because they love someone who has addictions to get the help that THEY need. I'm not sure we can adequately help those in addiction until we help our selves, learn tools to deal with these trials, and educate our selves on addiction.

PLEASE feel free to anonymously leave your comments, questions, advice, concerns, etc... I TRULY want this blog to be somewhere people can come to OPENLY talk about addiction and to help each other.


  1. I think it's great that you are coming to the conclusion that you can only work on you. Maybe he has been rescued his whole life by people that care about him. He has to truly get to the point where he realizes no one can do his work for him. No one can get him to the place that he wants to be. Just him.

    8 years ago I was suffering from addiction. I got to that point. I realized the point of this life, and I realized where I wanted to be not only after this life, but while I'm here. I wanted to feel joy, and no other joy came to me than by me working to get there on my own. I had tried to work on it for years, but something happened 8 years ago where I was finally able to change and break the chains.
    As much as you want to do things for him to help him, you are not. Sorry to say it so bluntly. It's only hindering his progress. He has to grow up and be a big boy and be accountable first. He'll get nowhere fast if the people closest to him give him that substitute feeling of being helped and saved that only the Savior can truly give...

    Thanks for your blog, I hope that your therapy goes well, and you can bounce back from your depression. Therapy is great - I've gone 3 different times in my life. Everyone gets depressed at some point in their life. I see this that my grandma who I thought never had or would be is suffering from it now at 80. It affects everyone. It's part of our sorrows. I know how you feel admitting it though. There is a personal stigma. Stay strong for yourself first, then you can be a good example for others.
    *hugs* - Jaime

  2. Thank you for your blog and for sharing your life with others who suffer from addiction and co-dependency. It is hard. I understand. Co-dependents are always picking up the pieces. When I share at the ARP classes I always say that I am an addict addicted to co-dependency. We want everything to be normal and fixed and we constantly try to do it. We do need to try our hardest to turn it over to our Savior. I truly hope things get better for your family. I understand when you say things go back to the way they were empty promises, no trust, not having a spouse be there for you. Addiction is so hard no matter what you are addicted to. We were at our meeting the other night and the guy that is in charge of facilitators said that at thier training this month they learned that the Churches ARP has grown 350%. That is alot of families who are in need of help. I know that Satan is working hard to destroy families any way he can. We just have to keep going some how and do what is best for us. Thanks again for sharing this blog.