Thursday, August 27, 2009

Starting from Zero

(Husband posting)

I have not posted a comment in quite a while. I would like to say i have been too busy and haven't had access to a computer but those are just excuses and I have found that as humans we have this great capacity to get the things done we really want to and make great excuses for the things that we don't. I have found in my life that truly if there is a will there is a way.
So what does it say about my will that i have not found a way to stop my addictions and bad habits over the last 7 years of my marriage? I have been alone and away from my family for sometime now and have had more time than anyone would want to think about all the mistakes and bad choices that have led my family and myself down this terrible road and into a place that is going to be very hard to get out of.
I haven't had a relapse for a while but i also haven't had access to pornography(i guess there is always a way to get it, but for me not without going very far out of my way so..i have been able to stay away from it for a while) but i don't feel like i have beat anything because I haven't really be face to face with it and had to try and JUST SAY NO!
What i really want to talk about is the way I feel about my current situation. I have lost confidence in myself. I have had all this time to think about what I have become. All the lies I have told myself have come crashing down and I have had to truly look into the mirror. I don't know about everybody but i think a lot of people have this picture of who they are and what they want to be. As an addict i had a very false picture of who i was, it was like i looked in the mirror and i had tricked myself into see who i wanted to be rather than who I was. That mirror has come crashing down. I can't believe the choices that I have made, but for the first time in I don't know how long i feel like i know who I am and I know where I need to go. I am done telling myself my addiction will just go away and I am ready to start taking steps to take control of my life. I know that this process is going to be long and hard but with the support of my Heavenly Father, my family, and my self I am hopeful that one day when I look in the mirror i will see the man i want to become.

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