Saturday, October 30, 2010
Where do I start? It is very easy to see how selfish addictions are. It is all about the"high", and not caring about anything or anyone else. The saddest thing is the aftermath of my addiction has been right in front of me for so long, and I have done so little to clean it up, that it almost looks normal to me. My terrible choices have caused so much pain and sorrow to myself and more importantly my family. It has been like a category 5 hurricane. It came through, not as a act of god, but because I let it, and has destroyed our lives. The saddest part is my beautiful family has stayed with me even though I brought it upon us and now that it has passed I am making them live in the terrible aftermath and not doing anything to fix it. All because I don't want to deal with what it is I have really done. I think that about defines the word selfish. I should spend every day thanking them and trying to do everything I can to say I am sorry and make up for all the pain, but instead I go on as if nothing happened. How can I possibly pretend that my addiction isn't real and that it couldn't resurface at anytime? How can I just ignore all the destruction already in front of me? How can I be so selfish as to ignore the sacrifice of my family to stay with me when they know a "hurricane" could be around the corner? What does that say about me? I love my family and I don't think three lifetimes would give me enough time to try and make up for my mistakes. I am not going to make any promises, I am not going to finally "get it" all of a sudden, I just want to say how truly sorry I am for everything and that I pray I can start being more selfless and stop being so selfish. I know if I can start doing that, then I won't have to "get it finally", because I will be living "it".