It is very late and I can't seem to fall asleep. I have lots of things running through my mind tonight. I am very discouraged that my husband and I have gotten off track in our recovery process. I was reading through some old posts that I had written and I can literally see at what times I have been doing well and at what times I have not. I know that my priority HAS to be on my own personal recovery but it is really hard to not be upset with my husband that he is not working on his recovery the way he should be either. I guess I am just frustrated that it always has to be me to make the first step, I am always the one that has to point out that things are not going in the direction they should be, I am always the one that has to make the first move to get us back on track. I am completely worn out from years of this vicious cycle. I know I probably sound like a huge hypocrite because the truth is the only person I can change or work on is me. BUT it is so frustrating to love someone so much, want so badly for them to change, and not see them following through with promises they have made. To my knowledge my husband has not had any relapses in his recovery as far as "acting" on them goes, but things feel very off right now and I am finding it very hard to have a good attitude.
My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.
Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.
Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...
Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services