Saturday, August 14, 2010
Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light
(wife posting)
I have seen this video on several blogs and wanted to share it here. I literally balled through this entire video. It was just what I needed to hear today. I have really been struggling lately and it is because I have gotten off track in MY recovery process. This video truly touched my soul!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thoughts... (wife posting)
It is very late and I can't seem to fall asleep. I have lots of things running through my mind tonight. I am very discouraged that my husband and I have gotten off track in our recovery process. I was reading through some old posts that I had written and I can literally see at what times I have been doing well and at what times I have not. I know that my priority HAS to be on my own personal recovery but it is really hard to not be upset with my husband that he is not working on his recovery the way he should be either. I guess I am just frustrated that it always has to be me to make the first step, I am always the one that has to point out that things are not going in the direction they should be, I am always the one that has to make the first move to get us back on track. I am completely worn out from years of this vicious cycle. I know I probably sound like a huge hypocrite because the truth is the only person I can change or work on is me. BUT it is so frustrating to love someone so much, want so badly for them to change, and not see them following through with promises they have made. To my knowledge my husband has not had any relapses in his recovery as far as "acting" on them goes, but things feel very off right now and I am finding it very hard to have a good attitude.
My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.
Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.
Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...
Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/individuals/prevent/article/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services
My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.
Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.
Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...
Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/individuals/prevent/article/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services
Sunday, June 6, 2010
{Wife Posting}
It has been quit awhile since I have updated on this blog! I am running out the door for church, but I plan to post more tonight. I just wanted to share something that I saw on lds.org this morning while preparing a lesson. If you go to www.lds.org you will see that the church has a new website for those who are struggling with pornography addiction, I am thrilled to see that the church is stepping it up even more in there efforts to educate and help those that are caught in this addiction.
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
Sunday, March 21, 2010
march maddness!!!
I am sure anyone reading this blog is thinking about the ncaa tournament, but I am actually thinking about the maddness my life can seem like at this time of year. My wife is in school, we have 3 soccer games a week, I am self employed so I have to work random times, while also trying to work in important time for family and service, trying to workout, do spring projects, and of course attend the temple, and finally , yes, keep up with the ncaa tournament. I look at all that and sometimes I don't feel adequate to the tasks in front of me. I need to write in this blog for reasons just like this because as I write these feelings I have bring thoughts to mind that remind me why I am here and the purpose of our lives. I know all the things I mentioned earlier are important but at the end of the day I want to be the kind of man that knows what really matters most and can set his priorities accordingly.
How does all this relate to my addiction? I think it is at the core. I have to know where my priorities are and have them in order if I am to ever overcome this addiction or any other shortcoming. It is the ability to not give into my lusts and cravings and have the will power in place to realize and walk away from those feelings that will give me freedom from my addiction.
How does all this relate to my addiction? I think it is at the core. I have to know where my priorities are and have them in order if I am to ever overcome this addiction or any other shortcoming. It is the ability to not give into my lusts and cravings and have the will power in place to realize and walk away from those feelings that will give me freedom from my addiction.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Time for a POST
(wife posting)
(We all feel like this sometimes, Right?)
It has been quite awhile since my last post. Life has been really busy and our home computer bit the dust so I do have some good excuses :). Actually the brake from the computer has been really nice and I feel like I accomplish so much more during the day when I dont have my computer tempting me to blog, facebook, surf the web, etc...
With life being really busy lately I am finding it very hard to keep my self on track with "MY" recovery process. I wish I could say that I am doing great, but the truth is lately I often find myself extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also noticed that when I start slacking on working on myself I tend to really get at my husband for the things I feel like he isn't working on. Does anyone else ever find them selves doing this? I'm sure if I were to talk to our councilor about this he would have some technical term for what I am doing :). I am not working on me and rather than trying to improve, I am focusing my efforts on pointing out my husbands weaknesses and shortcomings. THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY or good for myself or my husband. I am happy though that I am at a point in my recovery process that I can SEE MY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS and have the desire to improve them. I know that I can't do the things I need to alone and that I HAVE to go to the Lord in prayer and ask for help. It is frustrating to me though that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO, but for some reason it is so hard for me to do it! This week I am going to try as hard as I can to put the Lord first in all that I do and allow him to help me with the things I am struggling with.
No one likes to point out their own flaws, especially me, but I am also a very visual person, so here is my list of things I am struggling with, hopefully by writing them out I can start the process of working to improve this list. (***If you have any advise on ways to improve in any of these areas or things that work for you I would love to hear them***)
1. Patience (with my children, husband, and sometimes even myself)
2. Time management
3. Prayer and scripture study (personal, family, and couples)
4. Family Home Evening (having an ACTUAL FHE)
5. Exercize
6. Temple attendance
7. Visiting teaching
8. Housework
9. Playtime with my kids
Problem is I REALLY want to be "Super Mom" and it just isn't working out for me :) Turns out being a stay-at-home mother, a wife, and a student is quit the juggling act. I am totally kidding about the wanting to be SUPER MOM part, but I think most women can relate to the feeling of not being able to keep up.
(We all feel like this sometimes, Right?)
It has been quite awhile since my last post. Life has been really busy and our home computer bit the dust so I do have some good excuses :). Actually the brake from the computer has been really nice and I feel like I accomplish so much more during the day when I dont have my computer tempting me to blog, facebook, surf the web, etc...
With life being really busy lately I am finding it very hard to keep my self on track with "MY" recovery process. I wish I could say that I am doing great, but the truth is lately I often find myself extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also noticed that when I start slacking on working on myself I tend to really get at my husband for the things I feel like he isn't working on. Does anyone else ever find them selves doing this? I'm sure if I were to talk to our councilor about this he would have some technical term for what I am doing :). I am not working on me and rather than trying to improve, I am focusing my efforts on pointing out my husbands weaknesses and shortcomings. THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY or good for myself or my husband. I am happy though that I am at a point in my recovery process that I can SEE MY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS and have the desire to improve them. I know that I can't do the things I need to alone and that I HAVE to go to the Lord in prayer and ask for help. It is frustrating to me though that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO, but for some reason it is so hard for me to do it! This week I am going to try as hard as I can to put the Lord first in all that I do and allow him to help me with the things I am struggling with.
No one likes to point out their own flaws, especially me, but I am also a very visual person, so here is my list of things I am struggling with, hopefully by writing them out I can start the process of working to improve this list. (***If you have any advise on ways to improve in any of these areas or things that work for you I would love to hear them***)
1. Patience (with my children, husband, and sometimes even myself)
2. Time management
3. Prayer and scripture study (personal, family, and couples)
4. Family Home Evening (having an ACTUAL FHE)
5. Exercize
6. Temple attendance
7. Visiting teaching
8. Housework
9. Playtime with my kids
Problem is I REALLY want to be "Super Mom" and it just isn't working out for me :) Turns out being a stay-at-home mother, a wife, and a student is quit the juggling act. I am totally kidding about the wanting to be SUPER MOM part, but I think most women can relate to the feeling of not being able to keep up.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Super Bowl Sunday
What special time of year!? Looking back on this day in years past it has been a fun day after church for friends to come over and have a little get together. I would plan out the day a few weeks in advance and make sure it was planned. How sad that I can do something literally so unimportant and take up so much of my time. I haven't been planning out the events in my life that are important and I need to get back to that. I need to plan out time to do my daily tasks and responsabilities. I need to look ahead and navigate my course around and for events that do matter i.e. temple night, date night, family time! So to those of you in my life I am sorry I have not been as vigilant this year and I have not been planning my time around important events. I love you and I am going to get myself back on track. I know I can recover from my sickness and keep myself in recovery if I will just plan my life with the right priorities.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Where does the time go??? (Wife Posting)
Wow I seriously can hardly believe that January 2010 is almost over. Life has just seemed like a whirlwind for me lately and I STILL feel like I am playing catch up from the Holiday's. We were lucky and had family come to us for Christmas this year, it was so great to spend time with those we love so much, I am sad when they leave because I know I wont see them again for awhile, but also there is a sense of stress relief when all of the family goes home and LIFE gets back to normal (whatever normal is anyway:).
This Christmas I was feeling especially grateful for my many blessings, I KNOW that my Father in Heaven loves me so much and is mindful of my family and I's needs. I KNOW that if I will put my life in the hands of the LORD that he will carry me through any trial that comes my way in this life. I feel a very deep gratitude for my trials, I didn't know that this was even possible! I know that the Lord has placed specific trials in my hands because he has given me the tools to endure and conquer these trials. Before we came here to earth we all lived with him in Heaven as his spirit children, he presented the Plan of Happiness to us (more information on mormon.org), we KNEW that we would come to this Earth to be tried and tested, we accepted this challenge willingly and I believe we were also prepared and received specific tools to help us through the trials we would face in our mortal existence so that we can worthily return to live with him again someday. My trials have helped me to grow in ways I didn't even know I was capable of. Over the last several months as I have accepted my own faults rather than constantly focusing on my husbands, there has been a mighty change in my heart. I have learned that the only person that I can change is ME!!! I have LITERALLY felt my heart soften, I have a greater compassion for my husband and a greater love for him (and it feels good).
With the craziness of the Holidays I got a bit off track on my own recovery process. I was doing so well with attending my s-anon 12 step group, reading my s-anon literature, having my personal daily prayer and scripture study, and especially with working on living the principals I have learned through s-anon. All it took was a few days of being really busy with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season to through me right off track. It got me thinking that if it was THIS hard for me to stay on track with my goals that it must be 100 times harder for my husband who suffers from addictions to stay on track. I have never given my husband enough credit for the progress he has made, I in no way understand what it is like to suffer from an addiction, but for the first time in our marriage I am seeing him as a person who suffers from a disease rather than just a person who makes horrible choices. (Yes addicts do make horrible choices, but they are not horrible people, they are people who have a SICKNESS).
I am learning to set & KEEP boundaries with my husband, he knows what I expect of him and what the consequences are if he does not follow through. More importantly for my own well being I am learning to acknowledge that I need to set & KEEP boundaries with my self, I need to hold myself accountable for the promises I make to ME! My husband and I recently started working with an amazing councilor, this past week I was able to meet with him one on one which was a very enlightening experience. I have spent SOOOOOOOOO much time focusing on my husband, his addictions, his problems, that I haven't even realized that my life has become a MESS in the process, I also haven't realized that I am not happy with WHO I AM. This week the councilor and I talked quit a bit about being 'transparent', he asked if I feel like I have been transparent (completely open and honest) with my spouse about how I am feeling. As I pondered his question I genuinely felt like I have been open about my feelings with my husband, but I also realized that my "OPENNESS" has rarely come out in a constructive way. When I do open up about how I am feeling it is with anger, resentment, screaming, crying, etc... So although I have been open, I have not even come close to handling it the way I should. HOW and WHY did I expect him to be honest and open with me when I was being so horrible to him!
I am a work in progress just as he is, my trials are different than his, but I know now that it is NOT my place to MAKE him change, I can only change myself (and I will:).
This Christmas I was feeling especially grateful for my many blessings, I KNOW that my Father in Heaven loves me so much and is mindful of my family and I's needs. I KNOW that if I will put my life in the hands of the LORD that he will carry me through any trial that comes my way in this life. I feel a very deep gratitude for my trials, I didn't know that this was even possible! I know that the Lord has placed specific trials in my hands because he has given me the tools to endure and conquer these trials. Before we came here to earth we all lived with him in Heaven as his spirit children, he presented the Plan of Happiness to us (more information on mormon.org), we KNEW that we would come to this Earth to be tried and tested, we accepted this challenge willingly and I believe we were also prepared and received specific tools to help us through the trials we would face in our mortal existence so that we can worthily return to live with him again someday. My trials have helped me to grow in ways I didn't even know I was capable of. Over the last several months as I have accepted my own faults rather than constantly focusing on my husbands, there has been a mighty change in my heart. I have learned that the only person that I can change is ME!!! I have LITERALLY felt my heart soften, I have a greater compassion for my husband and a greater love for him (and it feels good).
With the craziness of the Holidays I got a bit off track on my own recovery process. I was doing so well with attending my s-anon 12 step group, reading my s-anon literature, having my personal daily prayer and scripture study, and especially with working on living the principals I have learned through s-anon. All it took was a few days of being really busy with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season to through me right off track. It got me thinking that if it was THIS hard for me to stay on track with my goals that it must be 100 times harder for my husband who suffers from addictions to stay on track. I have never given my husband enough credit for the progress he has made, I in no way understand what it is like to suffer from an addiction, but for the first time in our marriage I am seeing him as a person who suffers from a disease rather than just a person who makes horrible choices. (Yes addicts do make horrible choices, but they are not horrible people, they are people who have a SICKNESS).
I am learning to set & KEEP boundaries with my husband, he knows what I expect of him and what the consequences are if he does not follow through. More importantly for my own well being I am learning to acknowledge that I need to set & KEEP boundaries with my self, I need to hold myself accountable for the promises I make to ME! My husband and I recently started working with an amazing councilor, this past week I was able to meet with him one on one which was a very enlightening experience. I have spent SOOOOOOOOO much time focusing on my husband, his addictions, his problems, that I haven't even realized that my life has become a MESS in the process, I also haven't realized that I am not happy with WHO I AM. This week the councilor and I talked quit a bit about being 'transparent', he asked if I feel like I have been transparent (completely open and honest) with my spouse about how I am feeling. As I pondered his question I genuinely felt like I have been open about my feelings with my husband, but I also realized that my "OPENNESS" has rarely come out in a constructive way. When I do open up about how I am feeling it is with anger, resentment, screaming, crying, etc... So although I have been open, I have not even come close to handling it the way I should. HOW and WHY did I expect him to be honest and open with me when I was being so horrible to him!
I am a work in progress just as he is, my trials are different than his, but I know now that it is NOT my place to MAKE him change, I can only change myself (and I will:).
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