LIES Feed Addiction (wife posting)

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb



Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted on this blog. I wish that I could say that things have been so blissfully happy that I haven't felt the need to let out steam through writing. The actual truth is that things on the whole since my last post have been good, we are currently struggling with some issues, but we are dealing with them and working through them. I think often times when things are "good" we start to slack off in our diligence. I know that has been the case for me at least. When my husbands addictions aren't starring me right in the face, I tend to forget how important it is to continue to work on myself and my recovery.

For myself, coping with the distrust that my husbands addictions have brought into our marriage is a daily battle. One I often times don't win. There are many days where my mind wanders and I find myself paranoid about where he is and what he's doing. A major issue that my husband and I have is that he has a BIG problem telling the truth with both small and big issues. I have tried for years to figure out WHY it is so hard for him to be honest about little things (and big things). I am not sharing this to bash my husband in anyway, but I want to be REAL and HONEST on this blog. If I'm not honest about how we are "REALLY DOING" then I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I found this quote online and I think it fits nicely with how strongly I feel about the need to be honest...

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people".

To me honesty and Integrity go hand in hand. And in a marriage if you don't have both of those you are fighting a loosing battle. Which is exactly how I feel when my husband is dishonest with me about anything... if he can't be honest about little things, then HOW ON EARTH is he going to be honest about BIG things???

I believe lying is a key component to addiction. When you participate in things such as pornography, gambling, drugs, or whatever your addiction might be and you live a double life, hiding your "addictive" self from others, then you have no choice but to LIE to keep up your destructive lifestyle. When these things go on for years and years, you have become a habitual liar, and after time I'm sure lying comes easier then telling the truth.

*I found this article online about Lying & Addictions and believe that it fully supports my feelings on why lies feed addictions. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html



I can not and will not put up with lying of any kind in my marriage. Trust is not handed out freely but EARNED. It is not just earned by not participating in addictions, it is earned in THOUGHT, WORD, AND DEED. To be truly honest with others you must be completely honest with yourself. Often times really taking an inward look at our own life is not easy, depending on the choices we have made it can be down right painful, BUT true HONESTY and INTEGRITY requires us to do so. If lying is something you really struggle with then I believe it will require some serious self discipline to break this horrible habit!

To My Husband,

I love you with all my heart. I love our family and our beautiful children. We deserve the TRUTH at all times and in all situations. Lies weather big or small are still lies. WE have worked too hard and come too far for you to break down the trust that has been re-built by being dishonest with me. I realize that honesty is something you really struggle with and I am willing to help you, but it is going to take both of us working together to combat this problem. Little lies turn into big lies and then before you know it we will be right back at square one again and frankly that is somewhere I AM NEVER WILLING TO GO BACK TO. I have stuck by your side through hell and back, I have earned the right for you to respect me, our family, & yourself enough to ALWAYS be honest. I NEED you to know how serious I am about this and that it is not something I am willing to put up with. I know that the intentions of your heart are good, know you want to do what is right, but you have to show me daily that you are working hard to break these bad habits.

Love

Your Wife

Selfish

Where do I start? It is very easy to see how selfish addictions are. It is all about the"high", and not caring about anything or anyone else. The saddest thing is the aftermath of my addiction has been right in front of me for so long, and I have done so little to clean it up, that it almost looks normal to me. My terrible choices have caused so much pain and sorrow to myself and more importantly my family. It has been like a category 5 hurricane. It came through, not as a act of god, but because I let it, and has destroyed our lives. The saddest part is my beautiful family has stayed with me even though I brought it upon us and now that it has passed I am making them live in the terrible aftermath and not doing anything to fix it. All because I don't want to deal with what it is I have really done. I think that about defines the word selfish. I should spend every day thanking them and trying to do everything I can to say I am sorry and make up for all the pain, but instead I go on as if nothing happened. How can I possibly pretend that my addiction isn't real and that it couldn't resurface at anytime? How can I just ignore all the destruction already in front of me? How can I be so selfish as to ignore the sacrifice of my family to stay with me when they know a "hurricane" could be around the corner? What does that say about me? I love my family and I don't think three lifetimes would give me enough time to try and make up for my mistakes. I am not going to make any promises, I am not going to finally "get it" all of a sudden, I just want to say how truly sorry I am for everything and that I pray I can start being more selfless and stop being so selfish. I know if I can start doing that, then I won't have to "get it finally", because I will be living "it".

Scary Statistic...

In the United States, 9 out of 10 emerging adults (18-26) are viewing pornography monthly, half of them at least a couple times a week, and many daily, according to a study in the Journal of Adolescent Research, published by BYU’s Nelson and his associates.


(below is just a portion of the Shame helps keep porn in the dark article that I read today, read the full article HERE


Don’t be naive

It’s naive of parents to think they can drop $30 on filtering software, walk away and never look back, at least according to several researchers who found a 9- to 13-percent-wide hole in that idea.

Between their least and most restrictive settings, six of the most popular Internet filters blocked between 87 and 91 percent of pornographic sites, said Dr. Caroline Richardson, University of Michigan Medical School researcher.

And that means one in every 10 images still has a shot at hitting Web-wandering children, especially those who curiously aim for it. Trueman may have been right all along, that the danger of pornography can be compared to that of a handgun, “loaded to the hilt.”

“And while a gun may miss,” he said, “pornography never does.”

How to check computers

If you suspect a computer is being used to view pornography, you can check in three ways:

Web browser history. For Internet Explorer, look for “History” in the dropdown box next to the address field. For Firefox, click the “History” tab located above the address field. The history will provide a list of each website visited.

Temporary Internet Files folder. This information applies to Windows Internet Explorer 7 and Windows Internet 8.

1.Open Internet Explorer by clicking the Start button, and then clicking Internet Explorer

2.Click the Tools button, and then click Internet Options
3.Click the General tab, and then under Browser History click Settings.
4.In the Settings dialog box, click View files.
Image search. For PC users, click the “Start” button from your desktop; select “Pictures, music, or video”; then, select “Pictures and photos.” Leave the “file name” search field blank, and when you hit “Search,” the computer will retrieve every image on the hard drive.

(wife posting)

I found this information this morning on the Out in the light...Women against pornography website that I shared in my last post. It is both comforting and disheartening to realize that so many women have been through exactly what I have and have had the same fears and frustrations as me. It is nice to know I am not alone, but it is also so heart braking to know that so many others are going through this same horrible trail in their lives. I hope that other women will visit this site, to gain incite, hope, peace, and to educate themselves on addiction.
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Ask the Expert
Q: I didn’t know that my husband was a sex addict. Is something wrong with me?

A: Nothing is wrong with you. The majority of women who seek treatment after learning of their husband’s addiction did not know that their partners were struggling with a sexual addiction. However, many women report that they felt that something was not “quite right” in the relationship. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Many men with this problem have become experts at hiding it from their spouses.

Q: Why would my husband hide this from me?

A: Most men hide their sexual addiction from their wives out of embarrassment, deep shame, and fear that disclosure will lead to divorce and the loss of the family. They can become so deeply entrenched in feelings of despair and self-loathing that they are unable to imagine disclosing their addictive secret to their partner. They get caught in the addictive trap of believing that it is something that they must resolve on their own.

Q: My partner has lied to me in the past about his sexual addiction. How will I ever know if he is telling the truth?

A: You may not be able to tell. But if your husband seeks support and counseling you can be confident that he is being held accountable, supported, and encouraged to tell the truth. Over time many women report that they are able to trust again due to the openness and transparency that their husbands have learned in recovery.

Q: Is this somehow my fault?

A: This question is evidence of one of the most damaging consequences of addiction for the partner. Many women fear that they were somehow not “enough” in the marriage and consequently their husbands turned to porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, some men reinforce this fear in a misguided effort to place the blame on their wife instead of accepting the responsibility for their own behavior. The majority of sexual addicts had problems with sexual compulsivity before they were married. As the partner of an addict, you are not responsible for the sexual addiction. It is not your fault.

Q: Who should I tell?

A: Choosing to share that your partner has a sexual addiction is a personal decision and will vary according to your individual circumstances. It is recommended that you join a 12-step or a “Partners of Sex Addicts” therapy group where you can freely share and receive support. Where possible, share with a trusted spiritual leader or clergy. If you choose to share with family and/or friends, choose those whom you can trust to be understanding and supportive of you and your partner. It is important to share only with those individuals who are mature enough to allow you the time to make decisions that you feel are best for you and your family without giving unsolicited advice and asserting undue pressure.

Q: Should we tell our children?
A: Generally speaking, no–at least not at first. If possible, it is best to give yourselves some time to sort through and try to manage the trauma that the disclosure has caused you and your spouse without bringing children into the situation. Later, as you and your partner become more stable, you can counsel with a therapist or clergy about telling the children, guided by what is in the best interest of the children and their ages.

Q: Is there recovery from sexual addiction?
A: Yes, recovery is possible. It takes time and hard work, especially in the first year, but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives.

Q: What if I can’t be supportive of my husband right now?
A: Finding out about an addiction can be a devastating and disorienting experience for women. It is important that you take the steps to take care of yourself and your own healing. By doing so you will eventually be able to be supportive of your husband, if that is what you choose.

Q: What can I do to be supportive of my husband?
A: The best thing you can do is to seek support for yourself. A counselor, a spiritual leader, or a therapy or 12-step group can assist you in understanding what you can do to be helpful while not taking on the responsibility of your husband’s recovery. Another way to be supportive is to get educated about addiction. Education will help you see your husband’s addictive behaviors in a clearer light. Encourage your husband to seek help. Many men in recovery attend a 12-step group, a counseling group and see an individual therapist as well as their spiritual leader in dealing with addiction. Disclosing a sexual addiction is merely the starting point for recovery, not the ending point.

Q: Where can we turn for help?
A: When seeking help look for a professional who is trained and experienced in working with sexual addiction and compulsivity. Many clergy or spiritual leaders have access to resources for sexual addiction 12-step programs for addicts and partners. Nonprofit organizations such as SAlifeline.org are good resources for helping individuals find an appropriate therapist and/or a 12-step group.

*If you would like to submit a question to our experts, Click here.

BIOGRAPHY

Dorothy Maryon is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in sexual addiction and partners’ issues associated with sexual addiction in marriage. She is in private practice and works with the LIfeStar program.

Out in the light... Women Against Pornography

www.outinthelight.com

ksl.com- Impact of Pornography

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

ksl.com article and segment on effects of Pornography

September 19th, 2010 @ 9:00am
In this Sunday Edition, we explore the influence of pornography on real people and its prevalence in society today. KSL's Bruce Lindsay sits down with experts to discuss how a compulsion for pornography impacts marriages. In addition, we explore a new initiative to empower women to battle the influence of porn on their relationships.

Segment 1: Impact of Pornography

Pornography probably impacts somebody you know. It could be a neighbor, a family member, a spouse or maybe even you. Many Utahns are searching for answers in their personal struggles with pornography.

"Many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself." -Dr. Rory Reid Dr. Rory Reid joins Sunday Edition. Dr. Reid is a research psychologist at the Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior in the Department of Psychiatry at UCLA. His work has been published in leading professional journals. He is also the clinical director at the Provo Counseling Center.

There is debate in the mental health field over whether a pornography problem is an addiction similar to a drug addiction.

"It's a very controversial topic, and scientifically, the debate exists because there is some overlap with substance-related disorders which are considered true addictions, such as difficulty controlling the behavior, problems that continue despite the behavior [and the] consequences," explains Reid. "But there are some differences in terms of the way the brain works, in terms of genetic studies and so forth. So at this point, scientifically, it is premature to label it as an addiction, although many people would suggest and agree that it is a problem and it is causing difficulties for people in their lives."

Dr. Reid and other researchers did a study and found four reasons people seek out pornography.

Related: Society paying price for pornography use
The pornography industry has grown to a $97-billion business worldwide but the adverse affects of pornography are incalculable."We looked at people who don't just seek it out but seek it out to the point where it becomes an excessive problem in their lives. Four factors emerged. One was just this notion of excitement seeking, looking for variety, novelty. There was also this idea of turning to pornography in order to escape difficult or unpleasant emotions, problems with coping with stress. And then also, for sexual arousal. And then the fourth reason was because people had sexual curiosity," Reid says. "But somehow that curiosity got derailed and then they find themselves looking and viewing and consuming pornography for hours and hours. And that's when it starts to become problematic."

He says people who have a difficult time dealing with stress and life's challenges are more likely to have pornography problems. And pornography problems can have serious consequences for marriages.

"It's devastating for a lot of marriages," describes Reid. "It's not just the pornography, it's not just that my significant other or spouse were going outside of the marriage to have their sexual needs met, but there are so many other components. Women, for example, feeling 'I can't compete with this pornography, I can't be all of that.' And then they start to have difficulties with self esteem. But there is also this notion of the secrecy and the lies and the deceit around the behavior itself. And you would be surprised, many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself."

Nearly 9 out of 10 (87%) young men and one-third (31%) of young women report using pornography. -Journal of Adolescent Research 23.1 (2008) 6-30Segment 2: "Out in the Light" Initiative

A new initiative is getting underway to educate and unite women who are victimized by a spouse's pornography habit. It's called "Out in the Light: Women Uniting Against Pornography." Joining Sunday Edition is Dr. Liz Hale, a clinical psychologist in marriage and family relations. She serves as a board member on the Utah Commission on Marriage and she appears frequently on Studio 5. Also, Scott Haws, of KSL-TV, a spokesman for the "Out in the Light" campaign, joins the discussion.

Dr. Hale says women often blame themselves when their husbands have a pornography problem. She tells women, "It's absolutely not your fault, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it."

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery. When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough." -Dr. Liz HaleTrust is not destroyed forever, according to Dr. Hale, especially if a husband says he will do whatever it takes to recover and to hold the marriage and family together.

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery," she says. "When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough."

"Out in the Light" is designed to help women.

"‘Out in the Light' is a multifaceted, all out blitz on behalf of Deseret Media Companies to use every resource available -- ksl.com, KSL-TV, KSL Newsradio, Deseret Book and the Deseret News -- to bring this issue out in the light. And more than anything to help direct, educate, and unite women who might be victimized by this. To let them know they are not alone, to let them know there are resources out there and give them access to other women so they can share their feelings and be able to get help," explains Haws. "This is an initiative that as more and more research is done and the more we talk to people, and people came to us, unsolicited, we realized just how prevalent this is. And this is something that needed to be addressed, needed to be literally be brought out of the shadows."

The "Out in the Light" website allows people to connect with others, seek professional help and make a pledge. "The pledge doesn't just talk about pornography, it talks about media in general. It talks about texting, about emails, about what to do if you are exposed to pornography, what to do if someone wants to meet up with you that you met online, who to tell, who to go to," says Haws. "So it allows a family to sit down and put together an action plan."