(song can be played in our music selection)
Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...
“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”
So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?
To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
____________________________________________________________________
It's been a rough couple of months at our house, we haven't had anything major happen, it is just the little stuff (and in the end the 'little stuff' amounts to the 'BIG STUFF'). We are struggling with staying on top of the daily things we need to be doing (both my husband and I) to keep these addictions from destroying our family. My husband is not acting out or participating in his addictions, but recovering from addictions takes daily effort for both spouses.
We have several friends going through this same trial. Watching the pain and agony that addictions are causing in their lives is breaking my heart! I HATE ADDICTION!!! I HATE that friends and family of mine have also experienced this heartache, some to a much deeper more destructive level than I have personally experienced. Lately, to me it seems like most marriages that end in divorce are mainly because of a spouse being caught in the traps of addiction. Pornography (and other addictions) are LITERALLY the plague of this generation! I wish there was something I could do, but I really don't know what! This is such a shameful disease that it is rarely openly talked about. I don't think it is appropriate to go announcing to the world your problems, but if we don't start talking about this the problem is only going to escalate! I know how alone this disease can make you feel, I have been there and I truly want others to know that they are NOT ALONE!
This past week in a business class of mine at school we were studying a chapter on Communication. As we were discussing this chapter this quote really stood out in my mind...
"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."
I KNOW for a fact that I will never have every aspect of my life 100% in order, but what I do know is that if I TRULY want to help others and be an instrument in the Lords hands then I have to stop being so stubburn and fully put MY LIFE in his hands!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light
(wife posting)
I have seen this video on several blogs and wanted to share it here. I literally balled through this entire video. It was just what I needed to hear today. I have really been struggling lately and it is because I have gotten off track in MY recovery process. This video truly touched my soul!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thoughts... (wife posting)
It is very late and I can't seem to fall asleep. I have lots of things running through my mind tonight. I am very discouraged that my husband and I have gotten off track in our recovery process. I was reading through some old posts that I had written and I can literally see at what times I have been doing well and at what times I have not. I know that my priority HAS to be on my own personal recovery but it is really hard to not be upset with my husband that he is not working on his recovery the way he should be either. I guess I am just frustrated that it always has to be me to make the first step, I am always the one that has to point out that things are not going in the direction they should be, I am always the one that has to make the first move to get us back on track. I am completely worn out from years of this vicious cycle. I know I probably sound like a huge hypocrite because the truth is the only person I can change or work on is me. BUT it is so frustrating to love someone so much, want so badly for them to change, and not see them following through with promises they have made. To my knowledge my husband has not had any relapses in his recovery as far as "acting" on them goes, but things feel very off right now and I am finding it very hard to have a good attitude.
My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.
Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.
Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...
Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/individuals/prevent/article/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services
My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.
Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.
Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...
Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/individuals/prevent/article/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services
Sunday, June 6, 2010
{Wife Posting}
It has been quit awhile since I have updated on this blog! I am running out the door for church, but I plan to post more tonight. I just wanted to share something that I saw on lds.org this morning while preparing a lesson. If you go to www.lds.org you will see that the church has a new website for those who are struggling with pornography addiction, I am thrilled to see that the church is stepping it up even more in there efforts to educate and help those that are caught in this addiction.
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/
Sunday, March 21, 2010
march maddness!!!
I am sure anyone reading this blog is thinking about the ncaa tournament, but I am actually thinking about the maddness my life can seem like at this time of year. My wife is in school, we have 3 soccer games a week, I am self employed so I have to work random times, while also trying to work in important time for family and service, trying to workout, do spring projects, and of course attend the temple, and finally , yes, keep up with the ncaa tournament. I look at all that and sometimes I don't feel adequate to the tasks in front of me. I need to write in this blog for reasons just like this because as I write these feelings I have bring thoughts to mind that remind me why I am here and the purpose of our lives. I know all the things I mentioned earlier are important but at the end of the day I want to be the kind of man that knows what really matters most and can set his priorities accordingly.
How does all this relate to my addiction? I think it is at the core. I have to know where my priorities are and have them in order if I am to ever overcome this addiction or any other shortcoming. It is the ability to not give into my lusts and cravings and have the will power in place to realize and walk away from those feelings that will give me freedom from my addiction.
How does all this relate to my addiction? I think it is at the core. I have to know where my priorities are and have them in order if I am to ever overcome this addiction or any other shortcoming. It is the ability to not give into my lusts and cravings and have the will power in place to realize and walk away from those feelings that will give me freedom from my addiction.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Time for a POST
(wife posting)
(We all feel like this sometimes, Right?)
It has been quite awhile since my last post. Life has been really busy and our home computer bit the dust so I do have some good excuses :). Actually the brake from the computer has been really nice and I feel like I accomplish so much more during the day when I dont have my computer tempting me to blog, facebook, surf the web, etc...
With life being really busy lately I am finding it very hard to keep my self on track with "MY" recovery process. I wish I could say that I am doing great, but the truth is lately I often find myself extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also noticed that when I start slacking on working on myself I tend to really get at my husband for the things I feel like he isn't working on. Does anyone else ever find them selves doing this? I'm sure if I were to talk to our councilor about this he would have some technical term for what I am doing :). I am not working on me and rather than trying to improve, I am focusing my efforts on pointing out my husbands weaknesses and shortcomings. THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY or good for myself or my husband. I am happy though that I am at a point in my recovery process that I can SEE MY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS and have the desire to improve them. I know that I can't do the things I need to alone and that I HAVE to go to the Lord in prayer and ask for help. It is frustrating to me though that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO, but for some reason it is so hard for me to do it! This week I am going to try as hard as I can to put the Lord first in all that I do and allow him to help me with the things I am struggling with.
No one likes to point out their own flaws, especially me, but I am also a very visual person, so here is my list of things I am struggling with, hopefully by writing them out I can start the process of working to improve this list. (***If you have any advise on ways to improve in any of these areas or things that work for you I would love to hear them***)
1. Patience (with my children, husband, and sometimes even myself)
2. Time management
3. Prayer and scripture study (personal, family, and couples)
4. Family Home Evening (having an ACTUAL FHE)
5. Exercize
6. Temple attendance
7. Visiting teaching
8. Housework
9. Playtime with my kids
Problem is I REALLY want to be "Super Mom" and it just isn't working out for me :) Turns out being a stay-at-home mother, a wife, and a student is quit the juggling act. I am totally kidding about the wanting to be SUPER MOM part, but I think most women can relate to the feeling of not being able to keep up.
(We all feel like this sometimes, Right?)
It has been quite awhile since my last post. Life has been really busy and our home computer bit the dust so I do have some good excuses :). Actually the brake from the computer has been really nice and I feel like I accomplish so much more during the day when I dont have my computer tempting me to blog, facebook, surf the web, etc...
With life being really busy lately I am finding it very hard to keep my self on track with "MY" recovery process. I wish I could say that I am doing great, but the truth is lately I often find myself extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also noticed that when I start slacking on working on myself I tend to really get at my husband for the things I feel like he isn't working on. Does anyone else ever find them selves doing this? I'm sure if I were to talk to our councilor about this he would have some technical term for what I am doing :). I am not working on me and rather than trying to improve, I am focusing my efforts on pointing out my husbands weaknesses and shortcomings. THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY or good for myself or my husband. I am happy though that I am at a point in my recovery process that I can SEE MY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS and have the desire to improve them. I know that I can't do the things I need to alone and that I HAVE to go to the Lord in prayer and ask for help. It is frustrating to me though that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO, but for some reason it is so hard for me to do it! This week I am going to try as hard as I can to put the Lord first in all that I do and allow him to help me with the things I am struggling with.
No one likes to point out their own flaws, especially me, but I am also a very visual person, so here is my list of things I am struggling with, hopefully by writing them out I can start the process of working to improve this list. (***If you have any advise on ways to improve in any of these areas or things that work for you I would love to hear them***)
1. Patience (with my children, husband, and sometimes even myself)
2. Time management
3. Prayer and scripture study (personal, family, and couples)
4. Family Home Evening (having an ACTUAL FHE)
5. Exercize
6. Temple attendance
7. Visiting teaching
8. Housework
9. Playtime with my kids
Problem is I REALLY want to be "Super Mom" and it just isn't working out for me :) Turns out being a stay-at-home mother, a wife, and a student is quit the juggling act. I am totally kidding about the wanting to be SUPER MOM part, but I think most women can relate to the feeling of not being able to keep up.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Super Bowl Sunday
What special time of year!? Looking back on this day in years past it has been a fun day after church for friends to come over and have a little get together. I would plan out the day a few weeks in advance and make sure it was planned. How sad that I can do something literally so unimportant and take up so much of my time. I haven't been planning out the events in my life that are important and I need to get back to that. I need to plan out time to do my daily tasks and responsabilities. I need to look ahead and navigate my course around and for events that do matter i.e. temple night, date night, family time! So to those of you in my life I am sorry I have not been as vigilant this year and I have not been planning my time around important events. I love you and I am going to get myself back on track. I know I can recover from my sickness and keep myself in recovery if I will just plan my life with the right priorities.
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