Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A few thoughts...
(wife posting)
Last week I attended my second 12-step recovery meeting for those that love someone who struggles from sexual addictions. I wish that I could go to these meetings every week, but with finances right now we can't afford to get a sitter that often, hopefully that will change soon. The meeting was great, it reminded me that I am not alone in my thoughts, fears, frustrations, hopes, etc... These are normal emotions for people in my situation.
For now I am on step one-
"Admit that you are powerless over sexaholism-that your life has become unmanageable."
Sounds easy, right? It should be so easy for me to admit that I am powerless over my husbands addictions and that MY life has become unmanageable due to my attitude and actions as a result of these addictions. Well guess what, it isn't!!!!!!
Giving up power is a hard thing, I have tried to control my husband addictions for so long now that at times it has consumed me, I want to "fix" things, I want to make threats so that he wont do these horrible things again, I want to threaten divorce in the hope that it will scare him away from Pornography forever, I WANT TO CONTROL THIS and I can't! I think what is even harder to admit is that MY life has become unmanageable through this. WHAT! I know this is true, but it is not easy to admit. The first time my husband and I saw a councilor together, at the end of the session she handed both my husband and I a paper with a list of questions to answer and things to work on before our next session. At first I thought, sweet, here is where I get to go off about all that I have been through. To my surprise and horror this wasn't what this assignment was about AT ALL. This assignment was about me looking at my own life and recognizing what I needed to work on. I was so offended, I thought 'how dare she give me this when we are here to talk about HIM'. It took some serious humbling of myself to actually do the assignment and truly look at my own life and where it was really at. I am grateful I did that.
This past week I have searched within my self to really understand step one and apply it to my life. I have prayed for guidance and I have felt the spirit whisper words of encouragement daily this week. My biggest struggle this past week (and always) has been letting go of trying TO MAKE my husband actively participate in recovery with me, I want him to so badly, but in the end the choice is up to him!
These are just a few of the thoughts and feelings I have had this past week...
Lead by example
I have had this feeling several times this week, that if I lead by example that my husband will follow. I spend so much time worrying about why he isn't working on HIS recovery, why he isn't reading his material, why he isn't praying or reading his scriptures, that I don't stop and think about what I am doing for my recovery. A few days ago I decided that I wasn't going to bring up any of these things to my husband that day, I wasn't going to give him any reminders, even if the reminders were kindly given. Instead I worked on ME this day, I said my prayers, I read my scriptures, I read my 12-step book, and GUESS WHAT, that night when he saw me doing this he pulled out his materials, sat on the bed next to me and did the same. That night before we went to sleep we knelt and prayed together, then we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep. IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! I didn't have to nag him, get frustrated with him, have the same old argument of 'why aren't you doing this or doing that'. It was peaceful and wonderful. I hope that as I continue to be an example for my husband that we can start to form good habits together and that at times he can lead me through his example.
Another thought I have had often this past week is that, 'it is okay to feel anger, but don't let it consume you."
I have felt the Lord continually remind me this past week that it is okay and normal for me to feel anger over these addictions that have damaged my marriage and life so much. That might sound so strange to people, but it is true, I feel like anger is part of the process, it is part of working through this, but has the Lord has gently reminded me, over and over again, I need to move on from my anger, I need to deal with it and put it behind me so that I can heal.
The last prompting that I have been having that I would like to share is the thought I have had several times that, ' the only person I can fix is me.'
THIS has been a hard one for me!!! But I hope that as I work on myself that my husband will see this and want to do the same. I want to be in a better place in my life, I know that this will take so much work, but it will be worth it. The hardest part is knowing that I have to do this for me wither or not my husband chooses to do it for him self. I will continue to hope, pray, and plead with the Lord that my husband will make the right choice.
To my Husband,
I am proud of the progress that you are making and the progress we are making, even if it is slow! I love you so much and I am grateful for all of the wonderful things you bring into my life. Thank you for being my husband, best friend, and father of our beautiful children, THIS FAMILY IS WORTH FITTING FOR!!!
Love,
Your wife
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tough Decisions
(wife posting)
Our youngest child is approaching the age where I generally start to get that, "it's time to have another baby" feeling. The thought of bringing another life, another child into an already complicated and difficult situation is absolutely frightening to me. I want more than ANYTHING for my husband to recover from his addictions, I want our family and our marriage to be healthy and happy, and I want to be able to have more children without the fear that I might not be able to provide the kind of life and family that my children deserve. Recently several of our friends have announced that they have a new little one on the way, I am happy and excited for them, but at the same time it makes me sad (for us, not them), it reminds me that my marriage is not in a place where we can make those kinds of decisions right now. I truly hope that someday, hopefully soon, as we continue to work through these GIANT obstacles that I can eventually feel at peace with having another baby. I love and adore my children, they are so amazing, I am incredibly grateful that Heavenly Father entrusted them in my care and if I never get to the point where I feel like we can bring another child into this world then it will be okay because we have been blessed so much already.
Our youngest child is approaching the age where I generally start to get that, "it's time to have another baby" feeling. The thought of bringing another life, another child into an already complicated and difficult situation is absolutely frightening to me. I want more than ANYTHING for my husband to recover from his addictions, I want our family and our marriage to be healthy and happy, and I want to be able to have more children without the fear that I might not be able to provide the kind of life and family that my children deserve. Recently several of our friends have announced that they have a new little one on the way, I am happy and excited for them, but at the same time it makes me sad (for us, not them), it reminds me that my marriage is not in a place where we can make those kinds of decisions right now. I truly hope that someday, hopefully soon, as we continue to work through these GIANT obstacles that I can eventually feel at peace with having another baby. I love and adore my children, they are so amazing, I am incredibly grateful that Heavenly Father entrusted them in my care and if I never get to the point where I feel like we can bring another child into this world then it will be okay because we have been blessed so much already.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Words To Live By...
I saw this quote today by our beloved Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. "The past is behind, learn from it.
The future is ahead; prepare for it.
The present is here, live it."
Thomas S. Monson, May 2009
***At times I take for grated the amazingly wonderful blessing it is to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, then I see a quote like I did today by a Prophet called of God to lead his children, and I am reminded of just how lucky I am. The Gospel is my CORE, it is my strength, and I am constantly humbled by the peace and knowledge it brings me.***My husband and I are both members of the LDS faith, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, this blog was created to help us through our trials and to help others suffering from addiction or any trial in their life. If you are not a member of our church please know that you are more than welcome here, this is a place for anyone who is suffering. To those that are not members of our faith I encourage you to visit the site www.mormon.org to learn more about what we believe, I PROMISE you that if you will learn about our beliefs and go to Heavenly Father (God) in prayer and humbly ask him if these beliefs are true, he WILL answer your prayer. I also promise you that once you receive your answer from Heavenly Father and seek to have the Gospel in your life that you will find happiness, peace, and guidance beyond comprehension.
With love,
(wife posting)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Loop
(husband)
I would first like to say a few things to my family. I love u. I will always love you. I could never do this without you. My wife has been both a loving partner that lovingly helps me and a loving partner that gives me "tough love" when called for. I don't think i realize how hard the tough love can be for the one giving it. I know I don't espesially love being on the receiving end of it even though I need it but I have never considered how hard that could be to give out so let me just say thankyou for still being there.
About a week and a half ago I went to my first SA meeting(sexaholic anonomous). To say it was eye opening would be an understatement. I saw people going through what I have been going through, people going through worse, and people who I could see that struggled with my problem and didn't get help and went on to have much bigger problems before they got help. It scared me to death. It motivated me to want to do more. It gave me hope and then I fell right into my loop!
I don't know if all people with my addictions have this loop or if it is just me but I hate it. Something will happen to cause high emotions(most likely me not doing what I promise to do to show my wife I am actively doing something about my addictions) and there will be a fight and I will feel bad and make more promises to myself and my wife, then for all of a second I will do that, then I will get busy and because my wife seems okay I will think things are fine I will go right back to life as if I were a normal person and my wife and I a normal couple, then comes another high emotional event. That is the loop and I feel stuck in it. The problem is that the loop leads me inevitable back to my addiction. I have managed to stay in the loop for over a year without a major relapse but I know that if I don't start showing the Lord, my wife and myself everyday that I am going to stop this addiction from ruling me then I will lose everything. I need out of this loop so bad, I want out so bad, I don't get why I can't seem to do it! It is hard to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am. It is hard to look at my marriage and see what I have done to it. I am not a normal person and things with my wife and I are not good. I am not sure if we will make it. It will be because of me if we don't. It is scarey to write that but it is the only way to keep it from happening. If we as addicts don't see things the way they really are we can never correct them.
One promise I made to myself and my wife was that I would write in this blog once a week. You can see how well I've done. I am doing so right now infact because of another high emotional event(lets call those HEEs) but even though it would have been better if I had done so on my own I know if I don't start the habit of doing it with these reminders I might never.
I know I say this too much but to my wife I am sorry It takes me so long to "get it" and I do love you so much.
I would first like to say a few things to my family. I love u. I will always love you. I could never do this without you. My wife has been both a loving partner that lovingly helps me and a loving partner that gives me "tough love" when called for. I don't think i realize how hard the tough love can be for the one giving it. I know I don't espesially love being on the receiving end of it even though I need it but I have never considered how hard that could be to give out so let me just say thankyou for still being there.
About a week and a half ago I went to my first SA meeting(sexaholic anonomous). To say it was eye opening would be an understatement. I saw people going through what I have been going through, people going through worse, and people who I could see that struggled with my problem and didn't get help and went on to have much bigger problems before they got help. It scared me to death. It motivated me to want to do more. It gave me hope and then I fell right into my loop!
I don't know if all people with my addictions have this loop or if it is just me but I hate it. Something will happen to cause high emotions(most likely me not doing what I promise to do to show my wife I am actively doing something about my addictions) and there will be a fight and I will feel bad and make more promises to myself and my wife, then for all of a second I will do that, then I will get busy and because my wife seems okay I will think things are fine I will go right back to life as if I were a normal person and my wife and I a normal couple, then comes another high emotional event. That is the loop and I feel stuck in it. The problem is that the loop leads me inevitable back to my addiction. I have managed to stay in the loop for over a year without a major relapse but I know that if I don't start showing the Lord, my wife and myself everyday that I am going to stop this addiction from ruling me then I will lose everything. I need out of this loop so bad, I want out so bad, I don't get why I can't seem to do it! It is hard to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am. It is hard to look at my marriage and see what I have done to it. I am not a normal person and things with my wife and I are not good. I am not sure if we will make it. It will be because of me if we don't. It is scarey to write that but it is the only way to keep it from happening. If we as addicts don't see things the way they really are we can never correct them.
One promise I made to myself and my wife was that I would write in this blog once a week. You can see how well I've done. I am doing so right now infact because of another high emotional event(lets call those HEEs) but even though it would have been better if I had done so on my own I know if I don't start the habit of doing it with these reminders I might never.
I know I say this too much but to my wife I am sorry It takes me so long to "get it" and I do love you so much.
I'm Scared
(Wife posting)
Our family has had an extremely rough year and a half (aside from my husbands addictions), there have been moments where I have felt like giving up and I have thought 'why us, we have been through so much already'. I know it will do me no good to think about all the why's and that I need to look towards the future with faith that if we live righteously that the Lord will bless us. Recently I have felt so good about the direction things are going, I feel like we are being given a chance to start over, a new place, a new job, a new perspective, but as I get more and more 'comfortable' with the direction things are going, paranoia starts to set in. See, every time I get comfortable and THINK that things are going so well, that is when my heart gets broken, that is when my husband slips up again. I don't know if I can survive having my heart broken again. I don't want to live in fear, but when you are married to someone who is an addict weather it be pornography, drugs, gambling, etc... it is very difficult to not constantly wonder, 'what is going to happen next'. If anyone out there has been through trials similar to ours has any advice for me I will gladly listen, I want to enjoy this time of things progressing and going well without constantly being paranoid that the next bomb is about to go off.
Our family has had an extremely rough year and a half (aside from my husbands addictions), there have been moments where I have felt like giving up and I have thought 'why us, we have been through so much already'. I know it will do me no good to think about all the why's and that I need to look towards the future with faith that if we live righteously that the Lord will bless us. Recently I have felt so good about the direction things are going, I feel like we are being given a chance to start over, a new place, a new job, a new perspective, but as I get more and more 'comfortable' with the direction things are going, paranoia starts to set in. See, every time I get comfortable and THINK that things are going so well, that is when my heart gets broken, that is when my husband slips up again. I don't know if I can survive having my heart broken again. I don't want to live in fear, but when you are married to someone who is an addict weather it be pornography, drugs, gambling, etc... it is very difficult to not constantly wonder, 'what is going to happen next'. If anyone out there has been through trials similar to ours has any advice for me I will gladly listen, I want to enjoy this time of things progressing and going well without constantly being paranoid that the next bomb is about to go off.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
A BIG step in the RIGHT direction
(wife posting)
Last week I followed through with the promise I had made to myself to attend a 12-step group for those that love someone who is an sex addict. I really didn't want to go but I felt the spirit so strongly as if someone was literally taking me by the hand and pulling me there. To my surprise my husband came with me. I attended the group for the spouses and he attended the group for the addicts. As I walked into the room I felt a wave of emotions... fear, anger, resentment... and then something I didn't expect...the Spirit, it filled the room, it was undeniable and extremely powerful. As I looked into the faces of these women (and a few men) it was as if I could see right to their soul, I could see the pain in their eyes, pain that I am all to familiar with, but I also noticed those that seemed to be more at peace with their trials. I have no doubt that even those that seemed more in control of their emotions and in a better place than I am currently still have very difficult times, but seeing them working through their trials and 'recovering' gave me so much peace to know that someday, hopefully soon, I too can be in a better place.
I really didn't know what to expect going to this group. I was very pleasantly surprised by what a humbling and wonderful experience it was for both me and my husband. After the meetings were over and my husband and I got back in our car we were able to talk privately about what we each thought about the meetings. It was so nice to hear what an eye opening experience this had been for my husband, he said things to me that I never expected to hear from him, it was a answer to so many of my prayers over the last six years. (I will leave it up to him to decide if he should share his personal experience or not.)
Things between my husband and I have been so much better since we attended these meetings together. I feel like we are really starting to grasp what it means to truly turn our lives over to the Lord and follow HIS will no matter how hard it may be. I have found this past week that it has been easier to make sure we are saying our prayers together as a couple, to read the scriptures and pray individually, and to feel connected as a couple. I know that we were blessed with strength in these areas because we followed the Lords will over our own. Neither my husband or I really WANTED to go to these meetings, it is never easy to FACE our problems, but it is what we NEEDED to do and I am grateful to the Lord for granting us the strength to follow through.
If you would like more information about the 12-step group that we attended please email us at
spirituallyfit09@gmail.com
Last week I followed through with the promise I had made to myself to attend a 12-step group for those that love someone who is an sex addict. I really didn't want to go but I felt the spirit so strongly as if someone was literally taking me by the hand and pulling me there. To my surprise my husband came with me. I attended the group for the spouses and he attended the group for the addicts. As I walked into the room I felt a wave of emotions... fear, anger, resentment... and then something I didn't expect...the Spirit, it filled the room, it was undeniable and extremely powerful. As I looked into the faces of these women (and a few men) it was as if I could see right to their soul, I could see the pain in their eyes, pain that I am all to familiar with, but I also noticed those that seemed to be more at peace with their trials. I have no doubt that even those that seemed more in control of their emotions and in a better place than I am currently still have very difficult times, but seeing them working through their trials and 'recovering' gave me so much peace to know that someday, hopefully soon, I too can be in a better place.
I really didn't know what to expect going to this group. I was very pleasantly surprised by what a humbling and wonderful experience it was for both me and my husband. After the meetings were over and my husband and I got back in our car we were able to talk privately about what we each thought about the meetings. It was so nice to hear what an eye opening experience this had been for my husband, he said things to me that I never expected to hear from him, it was a answer to so many of my prayers over the last six years. (I will leave it up to him to decide if he should share his personal experience or not.)
Things between my husband and I have been so much better since we attended these meetings together. I feel like we are really starting to grasp what it means to truly turn our lives over to the Lord and follow HIS will no matter how hard it may be. I have found this past week that it has been easier to make sure we are saying our prayers together as a couple, to read the scriptures and pray individually, and to feel connected as a couple. I know that we were blessed with strength in these areas because we followed the Lords will over our own. Neither my husband or I really WANTED to go to these meetings, it is never easy to FACE our problems, but it is what we NEEDED to do and I am grateful to the Lord for granting us the strength to follow through.
If you would like more information about the 12-step group that we attended please email us at
spirituallyfit09@gmail.com
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