Recovering From Addictions

If you saw me on the street...

2011-09-27T16:58:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)

If you were to see me on the street, or at the grocery store, or at my kids elementary school I would look from outward appearances like I have my life put together. You wouldn't see the hurt, resentment, and anger that I sometimes carry inside me. You would just see a wife and mother who loves her family and is trying very hard each day to do the best she can.

I often wonder when I put on a "Happy Face" if people can see through it? The TRUTH is that majority of the time I am VERY HAPPY, I love my life, and my family. BUT there are days that living with an addict is TOO MUCH and this burden is hard to bear.

I am VERY proud of my husband for the progress he has made. I am very proud of him for not having any relapses in the last several years, but just because he has not relapsed does not mean he is no longer an addict. I wish that it could be OVER, that we could both walk away from this disease and be fully recovered. But the truth of the matter is that this will be a life long battle, a life long recovery process, and it takes making the right choices {EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.}.

One of the hardest parts for me in all this is not being able to fix things. I WANT TO FIX MY HUSBAND, I want to free him, us from this. I HATE that I can't do this! Letting go of my desires to control things is very hard for me. It's not that I am a control freak, I just want to make things better when I can.

I know that the only person I can change is ME. I am working on this, taking baby steps, and working towards being a better me. Addiction spreads into every aspect of your life, I have seen this for my husband and my self. You HAVE to wake up each day ready to do whatever it takes to let Satan know that HE WILL NOT WIN!

This week my husband and I are working on forming better habits and keeping to a better schedule. I know that it is going to be very hard at first, but I hope that with the help of Heavenly Father and the support of each other that over time that we can replace our bad habits with good ones. Here are a few things we are working on...

1. Going to bed by 10pm & waking up by 6am (during the week)
2. Reading our scriptures & praying as a family and personally each day
3. Having couples prayer each day & reading an ensign article together
4. Exercising at least 4x each week
5. Being on time to church each week
6. Attending the temple a min. of 1x each month
7. Fulfilling our home teaching and visiting teaching
8. Magnifying our church callings
9. Having weekly FHE with our family
10.Being calmer & more patient with our children

***I KNOW that if we can put our lives in the Lords Hands and follow is commandments that he will help us through any trial that we are given in this life. Trials test and try our faith, but if we are faithful to the end the Lord will bless us! When we follow the Lords plan he is bound and will always take care of us.***

Webisode: Why pornography shatters relationships

2011-09-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

Self Confidence (wife posting)

2011-09-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

(I found this cartoon and thought it was funny! Sometimes it seems easier to just sit back and not work on our selves but then we just feel crappy, in the end doing the hard work it takes to build self confidence is worth the result and rewards!)

I haven't posted in awhile and I really want to be better about this. I want to keep my self on a positive track and focus on not dwelling on the past. As usual life is crazy. We have a family, home, career, church callings, etc... to take care of. I have really learned in the last few years how important it is to always take care of MYSELF... I know this may sound selfish, but when I am not taking very good care of myself, I am really not taking very good care of most things in my life.

Most, if not all women who have been through the trial of having a husband addicted to pornography have experienced some very serious doubts in their self confidence. I know that this has been the case for me, it is hard not to feel bad about your self, your body, your looks, etc... when your husband is caught in this addiction. I want all of the women (or men) who read this blog to know that your spouses addictions have NOTHING to do with you. Unfortunately some caught in this addiction may tell you that it is because you are not affectionate enough, or sexual enough, etc...(I am very lucky that my husband is aware that this is his problem and has never said these things to me personally, but it happens in LOTS of similar situations). It is so important that we always remember that we did not cause this addiction, nor is it in anyway our fault.

For me going back to school and attending a 12-step group for spouses has greatly increased my confidence. Going back to school and gaining an education in a field I LOVE has helped me to have a personal identity outside of being a wife and mother. I LOVE being a wife and a mother but needed something that was just for me. Attending the support group also greatly helped me to regain my self confidence, it was cleansing to hear that I am not crazy, the feelings and frustrations I have are normal and very common in this situation.

To those who are caught or have been caught in the addiction of pornography...
You can in know way understand your spouses side of this. The hurt, the anger, the frustration, the distrust, the heartache, embarrassment, and self doubting. I don't say these things to make you feel worse, but I say them to help you understand the various levels of destruction that this disease of addiction causes. Out of all of the emails that I have gotten since starting this blog, almost EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been from a wife who WANTS to help her husband, who loves her husband, who wants to save her family, and who is HURTING. From the bottom of my heart I beg you to think about what pornography has done to your life, your marriage, your self, and others. Thank your wife for wanting to help you, thank her for loving you enough to be willing to work things out, and thank Heavenly Father for putting someone in your life who is willing to forgive you, support you, and love you. Think about what pornography can do to a persons self image and self esteem... Tell your wife EVERYDAY how beautiful she is (or your husband), help her to feel more confident and secure, help to re-build her self esteem, she NEEDS this from you just as much as you need her love and support!

LIES Feed Addiction (wife posting)

2011-07-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

A half truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb

Wow, it has been a really long time since I have posted on this blog. I wish that I could say that things have been so blissfully happy that I haven't felt the need to let out steam through writing. The actual truth is that things on the whole since my last post have been good, we are currently struggling with some issues, but we are dealing with them and working through them. I think often times when things are "good" we start to slack off in our diligence. I know that has been the case for me at least. When my husbands addictions aren't starring me right in the face, I tend to forget how important it is to continue to work on myself and my recovery.

For myself, coping with the distrust that my husbands addictions have brought into our marriage is a daily battle. One I often times don't win. There are many days where my mind wanders and I find myself paranoid about where he is and what he's doing. A major issue that my husband and I have is that he has a BIG problem telling the truth with both small and big issues. I have tried for years to figure out WHY it is so hard for him to be honest about little things (and big things). I am not sharing this to bash my husband in anyway, but I want to be REAL and HONEST on this blog. If I'm not honest about how we are "REALLY DOING" then I'm not helping myself or anyone else.

I found this quote online and I think it fits nicely with how strongly I feel about the need to be honest...

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people".

To me honesty and Integrity go hand in hand. And in a marriage if you don't have both of those you are fighting a loosing battle. Which is exactly how I feel when my husband is dishonest with me about anything... if he can't be honest about little things, then HOW ON EARTH is he going to be honest about BIG things???

I believe lying is a key component to addiction. When you participate in things such as pornography, gambling, drugs, or whatever your addiction might be and you live a double life, hiding your "addictive" self from others, then you have no choice but to LIE to keep up your destructive lifestyle. When these things go on for years and years, you have become a habitual liar, and after time I'm sure lying comes easier then telling the truth.

*I found this article online about Lying & Addictions and believe that it fully supports my feelings on why lies feed addictions. http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

I can not and will not put up with lying of any kind in my marriage. Trust is not handed out freely but EARNED. It is not just earned by not participating in addictions, it is earned in THOUGHT, WORD, AND DEED. To be truly honest with others you must be completely honest with yourself. Often times really taking an inward look at our own life is not easy, depending on the choices we have made it can be down right painful, BUT true HONESTY and INTEGRITY requires us to do so. If lying is something you really struggle with then I believe it will require some serious self discipline to break this horrible habit!

To My Husband,

I love you with all my heart. I love our family and our beautiful children. We deserve the TRUTH at all times and in all situations. Lies weather big or small are still lies. WE have worked too hard and come too far for you to break down the trust that has been re-built by being dishonest with me. I realize that honesty is something you really struggle with and I am willing to help you, but it is going to take both of us working together to combat this problem. Little lies turn into big lies and then before you know it we will be right back at square one again and frankly that is somewhere I AM NEVER WILLING TO GO BACK TO. I have stuck by your side through hell and back, I have earned the right for you to respect me, our family, & yourself enough to ALWAYS be honest. I NEED you to know how serious I am about this and that it is not something I am willing to put up with. I know that the intentions of your heart are good, know you want to do what is right, but you have to show me daily that you are working hard to break these bad habits.

Love

Your Wife

Selfish

2010-10-30T02:19:00.001-07:00

Where do I start? It is very easy to see how selfish addictions are. It is all about the"high", and not caring about anything or anyone else. The saddest thing is the aftermath of my addiction has been right in front of me for so long, and I have done so little to clean it up, that it almost looks normal to me. My terrible choices have caused so much pain and sorrow to myself and more importantly my family. It has been like a category 5 hurricane. It came through, not as a act of god, but because I let it, and has destroyed our lives. The saddest part is my beautiful family has stayed with me even though I brought it upon us and now that it has passed I am making them live in the terrible aftermath and not doing anything to fix it. All because I don't want to deal with what it is I have really done. I think that about defines the word selfish. I should spend every day thanking them and trying to do everything I can to say I am sorry and make up for all the pain, but instead I go on as if nothing happened. How can I possibly pretend that my addiction isn't real and that it couldn't resurface at anytime? How can I just ignore all the destruction already in front of me? How can I be so selfish as to ignore the sacrifice of my family to stay with me when they know a "hurricane" could be around the corner? What does that say about me? I love my family and I don't think three lifetimes would give me enough time to try and make up for my mistakes. I am not going to make any promises, I am not going to finally "get it" all of a sudden, I just want to say how truly sorry I am for everything and that I pray I can start being more selfless and stop being so selfish. I know if I can start doing that, then I won't have to "get it finally", because I will be living "it".

Scary Statistic...

2010-09-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

In the United States, 9 out of 10 emerging adults (18-26) are viewing pornography monthly, half of them at least a couple times a week, and many daily, according to a study in the Journal of Adolescent Research, published by BYU’s Nelson and his associates.

(below is just a portion of the Shame helps keep porn in the dark article that I read today, read the full article HERE

Don’t be naive

It’s naive of parents to think they can drop $30 on filtering software, walk away and never look back, at least according to several researchers who found a 9- to 13-percent-wide hole in that idea.

Between their least and most restrictive settings, six of the most popular Internet filters blocked between 87 and 91 percent of pornographic sites, said Dr. Caroline Richardson, University of Michigan Medical School researcher.

And that means one in every 10 images still has a shot at hitting Web-wandering children, especially those who curiously aim for it. Trueman may have been right all along, that the danger of pornography can be compared to that of a handgun, “loaded to the hilt.”

“And while a gun may miss,” he said, “pornography never does.”

How to check computers

If you suspect a computer is being used to view pornography, you can check in three ways:

Web browser history. For Internet Explorer, look for “History” in the dropdown box next to the address field. For Firefox, click the “History” tab located above the address field. The history will provide a list of each website visited.

Temporary Internet Files folder. This information applies to Windows Internet Explorer 7 and Windows Internet 8.

1.Open Internet Explorer by clicking the Start button, and then clicking Internet Explorer

2.Click the Tools button, and then click Internet Options
3.Click the General tab, and then under Browser History click Settings.
4.In the Settings dialog box, click View files.
Image search. For PC users, click the “Start” button from your desktop; select “Pictures, music, or video”; then, select “Pictures and photos.” Leave the “file name” search field blank, and when you hit “Search,” the computer will retrieve every image on the hard drive.

(wife posting)

2010-09-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

I found this information this morning on the Out in the light...Women against pornography website that I shared in my last post. It is both comforting and disheartening to realize that so many women have been through exactly what I have and have had the same fears and frustrations as me. It is nice to know I am not alone, but it is also so heart braking to know that so many others are going through this same horrible trail in their lives. I hope that other women will visit this site, to gain incite, hope, peace, and to educate themselves on addiction.
*********************************************************************************************
Ask the Expert
Q: I didn’t know that my husband was a sex addict. Is something wrong with me?

A: Nothing is wrong with you. The majority of women who seek treatment after learning of their husband’s addiction did not know that their partners were struggling with a sexual addiction. However, many women report that they felt that something was not “quite right” in the relationship. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Many men with this problem have become experts at hiding it from their spouses.

Q: Why would my husband hide this from me?

A: Most men hide their sexual addiction from their wives out of embarrassment, deep shame, and fear that disclosure will lead to divorce and the loss of the family. They can become so deeply entrenched in feelings of despair and self-loathing that they are unable to imagine disclosing their addictive secret to their partner. They get caught in the addictive trap of believing that it is something that they must resolve on their own.

Q: My partner has lied to me in the past about his sexual addiction. How will I ever know if he is telling the truth?

A: You may not be able to tell. But if your husband seeks support and counseling you can be confident that he is being held accountable, supported, and encouraged to tell the truth. Over time many women report that they are able to trust again due to the openness and transparency that their husbands have learned in recovery.

Q: Is this somehow my fault?

A: This question is evidence of one of the most damaging consequences of addiction for the partner. Many women fear that they were somehow not “enough” in the marriage and consequently their husbands turned to porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, some men reinforce this fear in a misguided effort to place the blame on their wife instead of accepting the responsibility for their own behavior. The majority of sexual addicts had problems with sexual compulsivity before they were married. As the partner of an addict, you are not responsible for the sexual addiction. It is not your fault.

Q: Who should I tell?

A: Choosing to share that your partner has a sexual addiction is a personal decision and will vary according to your individual circumstances. It is recommended that you join a 12-step or a “Partners of Sex Addicts” therapy group where you can freely share and receive support. Where possible, share with a trusted spiritual leader or clergy. If you choose to share with family and/or friends, choose those whom you can trust to be understanding and supportive of you and your partner. It is important to share only with those individuals who are mature enough to allow you the time to make decisions that you feel are best for you and your family without giving unsolicited advice and asserting undue pressure.

Q: Should we tell our children?
A: Generally speaking, no–at least not at first. If possible, it is best to give yourselves some time to sort through and try to manage the trauma that the disclosure has caused you and your spouse without bringing children into the situation. Later, as you and your partner become more stable, you can counsel with a therapist or clergy about telling the children, guided by what is in the best interest of the children and their ages.

Q: Is there recovery from sexual addiction?
A: Yes, recovery is possible. It takes time and hard work, especially in the first year, but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives.

Q: What if I can’t be supportive of my husband right now?
A: Finding out about an addiction can be a devastating and disorienting experience for women. It is important that you take the steps to take care of yourself and your own healing. By doing so you will eventually be able to be supportive of your husband, if that is what you choose.

Q: What can I do to be supportive of my husband?
A: The best thing you can do is to seek support for yourself. A counselor, a spiritual leader, or a therapy or 12-step group can assist you in understanding what you can do to be helpful while not taking on the responsibility of your husband’s recovery. Another way to be supportive is to get educated about addiction. Education will help you see your husband’s addictive behaviors in a clearer light. Encourage your husband to seek help. Many men in recovery attend a 12-step group, a counseling group and see an individual therapist as well as their spiritual leader in dealing with addiction. Disclosing a sexual addiction is merely the starting point for recovery, not the ending point.

Q: Where can we turn for help?
A: When seeking help look for a professional who is trained and experienced in working with sexual addiction and compulsivity. Many clergy or spiritual leaders have access to resources for sexual addiction 12-step programs for addicts and partners. Nonprofit organizations such as SAlifeline.org are good resources for helping individuals find an appropriate therapist and/or a 12-step group.

*If you would like to submit a question to our experts, Click here.

BIOGRAPHY

Dorothy Maryon is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in sexual addiction and partners’ issues associated with sexual addiction in marriage. She is in private practice and works with the LIfeStar program.

Out in the light... Women Against Pornography

2010-09-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

www.outinthelight.com

ksl.com- Impact of Pornography

2010-09-19T10:10:00.001-07:00

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

ksl.com article and segment on effects of Pornography

2010-09-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

September 19th, 2010 @ 9:00am
In this Sunday Edition, we explore the influence of pornography on real people and its prevalence in society today. KSL's Bruce Lindsay sits down with experts to discuss how a compulsion for pornography impacts marriages. In addition, we explore a new initiative to empower women to battle the influence of porn on their relationships.

Segment 1: Impact of Pornography

Pornography probably impacts somebody you know. It could be a neighbor, a family member, a spouse or maybe even you. Many Utahns are searching for answers in their personal struggles with pornography.

"Many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself." -Dr. Rory Reid Dr. Rory Reid joins Sunday Edition. Dr. Reid is a research psychologist at the Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior in the Department of Psychiatry at UCLA. His work has been published in leading professional journals. He is also the clinical director at the Provo Counseling Center.

There is debate in the mental health field over whether a pornography problem is an addiction similar to a drug addiction.

"It's a very controversial topic, and scientifically, the debate exists because there is some overlap with substance-related disorders which are considered true addictions, such as difficulty controlling the behavior, problems that continue despite the behavior [and the] consequences," explains Reid. "But there are some differences in terms of the way the brain works, in terms of genetic studies and so forth. So at this point, scientifically, it is premature to label it as an addiction, although many people would suggest and agree that it is a problem and it is causing difficulties for people in their lives."

Dr. Reid and other researchers did a study and found four reasons people seek out pornography.

Related: Society paying price for pornography use
The pornography industry has grown to a $97-billion business worldwide but the adverse affects of pornography are incalculable."We looked at people who don't just seek it out but seek it out to the point where it becomes an excessive problem in their lives. Four factors emerged. One was just this notion of excitement seeking, looking for variety, novelty. There was also this idea of turning to pornography in order to escape difficult or unpleasant emotions, problems with coping with stress. And then also, for sexual arousal. And then the fourth reason was because people had sexual curiosity," Reid says. "But somehow that curiosity got derailed and then they find themselves looking and viewing and consuming pornography for hours and hours. And that's when it starts to become problematic."

He says people who have a difficult time dealing with stress and life's challenges are more likely to have pornography problems. And pornography problems can have serious consequences for marriages.

"It's devastating for a lot of marriages," describes Reid. "It's not just the pornography, it's not just that my significant other or spouse were going outside of the marriage to have their sexual needs met, but there are so many other components. Women, for example, feeling 'I can't compete with this pornography, I can't be all of that.' And then they start to have difficulties with self esteem. But there is also this notion of the secrecy and the lies and the deceit around the behavior itself. And you would be surprised, many women will say that the lies and the secrecy and the deception around the behavior is just as disturbing as the behavior itself."

Nearly 9 out of 10 (87%) young men and one-third (31%) of young women report using pornography. -Journal of Adolescent Research 23.1 (2008) 6-30Segment 2: "Out in the Light" Initiative

A new initiative is getting underway to educate and unite women who are victimized by a spouse's pornography habit. It's called "Out in the Light: Women Uniting Against Pornography." Joining Sunday Edition is Dr. Liz Hale, a clinical psychologist in marriage and family relations. She serves as a board member on the Utah Commission on Marriage and she appears frequently on Studio 5. Also, Scott Haws, of KSL-TV, a spokesman for the "Out in the Light" campaign, joins the discussion.

Dr. Hale says women often blame themselves when their husbands have a pornography problem. She tells women, "It's absolutely not your fault, you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it."

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery. When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough." -Dr. Liz HaleTrust is not destroyed forever, according to Dr. Hale, especially if a husband says he will do whatever it takes to recover and to hold the marriage and family together.

"There is no greater asset than a supportive wife for a husband, when they can walk that road together of recovery," she says. "When we can stay out of the way, as women, and realize we didn't cause it. That we are enough, and we don't buy into what society tells us that we are not pretty enough, thin enough, whatever enough."

"Out in the Light" is designed to help women.

"‘Out in the Light' is a multifaceted, all out blitz on behalf of Deseret Media Companies to use every resource available -- ksl.com, KSL-TV, KSL Newsradio, Deseret Book and the Deseret News -- to bring this issue out in the light. And more than anything to help direct, educate, and unite women who might be victimized by this. To let them know they are not alone, to let them know there are resources out there and give them access to other women so they can share their feelings and be able to get help," explains Haws. "This is an initiative that as more and more research is done and the more we talk to people, and people came to us, unsolicited, we realized just how prevalent this is. And this is something that needed to be addressed, needed to be literally be brought out of the shadows."

The "Out in the Light" website allows people to connect with others, seek professional help and make a pledge. "The pledge doesn't just talk about pornography, it talks about media in general. It talks about texting, about emails, about what to do if you are exposed to pornography, what to do if someone wants to meet up with you that you met online, who to tell, who to go to," says Haws. "So it allows a family to sit down and put together an action plan."

LEAD ME... (wife posting)

2010-09-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

(song can be played in our music selection)

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
____________________________________________________________________

It's been a rough couple of months at our house, we haven't had anything major happen, it is just the little stuff (and in the end the 'little stuff' amounts to the 'BIG STUFF'). We are struggling with staying on top of the daily things we need to be doing (both my husband and I) to keep these addictions from destroying our family. My husband is not acting out or participating in his addictions, but recovering from addictions takes daily effort for both spouses.

We have several friends going through this same trial. Watching the pain and agony that addictions are causing in their lives is breaking my heart! I HATE ADDICTION!!! I HATE that friends and family of mine have also experienced this heartache, some to a much deeper more destructive level than I have personally experienced. Lately, to me it seems like most marriages that end in divorce are mainly because of a spouse being caught in the traps of addiction. Pornography (and other addictions) are LITERALLY the plague of this generation! I wish there was something I could do, but I really don't know what! This is such a shameful disease that it is rarely openly talked about. I don't think it is appropriate to go announcing to the world your problems, but if we don't start talking about this the problem is only going to escalate! I know how alone this disease can make you feel, I have been there and I truly want others to know that they are NOT ALONE!

This past week in a business class of mine at school we were studying a chapter on Communication. As we were discussing this chapter this quote really stood out in my mind...

"You must love yourself and who you are first before you can effectively love and help others."

I KNOW for a fact that I will never have every aspect of my life 100% in order, but what I do know is that if I TRULY want to help others and be an instrument in the Lords hands then I have to stop being so stubburn and fully put MY LIFE in his hands!

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light

2010-08-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)
I have seen this video on several blogs and wanted to share it here. I literally balled through this entire video. It was just what I needed to hear today. I have really been struggling lately and it is because I have gotten off track in MY recovery process. This video truly touched my soul!

Thoughts... (wife posting)

2010-06-11T00:22:00.000-07:00

It is very late and I can't seem to fall asleep. I have lots of things running through my mind tonight. I am very discouraged that my husband and I have gotten off track in our recovery process. I was reading through some old posts that I had written and I can literally see at what times I have been doing well and at what times I have not. I know that my priority HAS to be on my own personal recovery but it is really hard to not be upset with my husband that he is not working on his recovery the way he should be either. I guess I am just frustrated that it always has to be me to make the first step, I am always the one that has to point out that things are not going in the direction they should be, I am always the one that has to make the first move to get us back on track. I am completely worn out from years of this vicious cycle. I know I probably sound like a huge hypocrite because the truth is the only person I can change or work on is me. BUT it is so frustrating to love someone so much, want so badly for them to change, and not see them following through with promises they have made. To my knowledge my husband has not had any relapses in his recovery as far as "acting" on them goes, but things feel very off right now and I am finding it very hard to have a good attitude.

My husband and I both have a very bad habit of doing really well with things for awhile and then life gets busy and we put off the most important things like prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, etc... and when we put these things off our marriage severely struggles as a result of it. I know that I am just as much to blame for not making sure these things are happening on a daily basis. I guess I am just really stubborn though because when we are really struggling in these areas I get really mad when I have to always be the one to say "we need to have family prayer", I get resentful when he doesn't help to make sure these things happen and then I stop even wanting to suggest doing them because I am angry that he isn't being the priesthood leader in our home. I know I probably sound completely ridiculous, but these feelings are very real and upsetting to me and I KNOW THAT I HAVE to find away to get a handle on how I am feeling. Despite my frustration with my husband not leading our family the way I would like I can not let it be my excuse for not doing the things that I need to be daily to keep my life in accordance with the Lord. As a mother I have a responsibility to teach my children the gospel, I can not let my frustration with my husband get in the way the the things I need to do.

Before I started writ ting this post I read several great articles on my churches(The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, "Mormon's") new website, www.combatingpornography.org, as I was reading these articles I was thinking to myself how great they would be to share on this blog because they would probably be so helpful to others and then I realized that I was doing what I always do, I want to help "fix" other peoples problems rather than focus on my own. As important as it is to reach out to others and share these messages of hope, my focus needs to be on MY recovery, not my husbands or someone who may read this blog. I need to work on my recovery because it is what I need to do for myself, my children, my health, my marriage, etc... I do not ever want to be a selfish person and put myself first, but when it comes to recovery, I have to put myself first if I want to be able to help others. Last year I went back to school because I KNEW it was something that I needed to do for myself, I knew it was something that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Going back to school has really helped me to build back my self confidence and it has served as a coping tool for me to get myself through all of the "Stuff" that I have had to go through the past 6 1/2 years. While this has helped me tremendously I can also see where it has hurt me in ways as well. I have less time with my children, less time for the things I need to get done, and I have put my spiritual growth on the back burner. I know that I have some very serious changes that I need to make to be happy with myself and to make the best of the trials that have been placed in my life. I have a very strong testimony that all things are possible through Christ if we will come unto him. I need to work everyday at taking the wall down that I have built inside myself that is stubborn, scared, angry, sad, hurt, discouraged, etc... so that I TRULY can place my life and trials in the lords hands.

Here are the links to the wonderful articles that I read, I hope that they can bring peace and incite to others as well...

Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/individuals/prevent/article/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul
by Elder Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Hope, Healing, and Dealing with Addiction
http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/spouses/overcome/article/hope-healing-and-dealing-with-addictionby Michael D. Gardner, PhD LDS Family Services

{Wife Posting}

2010-06-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

It has been quit awhile since I have updated on this blog! I am running out the door for church, but I plan to post more tonight. I just wanted to share something that I saw on lds.org this morning while preparing a lesson. If you go to www.lds.org you will see that the church has a new website for those who are struggling with pornography addiction, I am thrilled to see that the church is stepping it up even more in there efforts to educate and help those that are caught in this addiction.

http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/

march maddness!!!

2010-03-21T13:08:00.001-07:00

I am sure anyone reading this blog is thinking about the ncaa tournament, but I am actually thinking about the maddness my life can seem like at this time of year. My wife is in school, we have 3 soccer games a week, I am self employed so I have to work random times, while also trying to work in important time for family and service, trying to workout, do spring projects, and of course attend the temple, and finally , yes, keep up with the ncaa tournament. I look at all that and sometimes I don't feel adequate to the tasks in front of me. I need to write in this blog for reasons just like this because as I write these feelings I have bring thoughts to mind that remind me why I am here and the purpose of our lives. I know all the things I mentioned earlier are important but at the end of the day I want to be the kind of man that knows what really matters most and can set his priorities accordingly.

How does all this relate to my addiction? I think it is at the core. I have to know where my priorities are and have them in order if I am to ever overcome this addiction or any other shortcoming. It is the ability to not give into my lusts and cravings and have the will power in place to realize and walk away from those feelings that will give me freedom from my addiction.

Time for a POST

2010-03-08T00:28:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

(We all feel like this sometimes, Right?)

It has been quite awhile since my last post. Life has been really busy and our home computer bit the dust so I do have some good excuses :). Actually the brake from the computer has been really nice and I feel like I accomplish so much more during the day when I dont have my computer tempting me to blog, facebook, surf the web, etc...

With life being really busy lately I am finding it very hard to keep my self on track with "MY" recovery process. I wish I could say that I am doing great, but the truth is lately I often find myself extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. I have also noticed that when I start slacking on working on myself I tend to really get at my husband for the things I feel like he isn't working on. Does anyone else ever find them selves doing this? I'm sure if I were to talk to our councilor about this he would have some technical term for what I am doing :). I am not working on me and rather than trying to improve, I am focusing my efforts on pointing out my husbands weaknesses and shortcomings. THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEALTHY or good for myself or my husband. I am happy though that I am at a point in my recovery process that I can SEE MY UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS and have the desire to improve them. I know that I can't do the things I need to alone and that I HAVE to go to the Lord in prayer and ask for help. It is frustrating to me though that I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO, but for some reason it is so hard for me to do it! This week I am going to try as hard as I can to put the Lord first in all that I do and allow him to help me with the things I am struggling with.

No one likes to point out their own flaws, especially me, but I am also a very visual person, so here is my list of things I am struggling with, hopefully by writing them out I can start the process of working to improve this list. (***If you have any advise on ways to improve in any of these areas or things that work for you I would love to hear them***)

1. Patience (with my children, husband, and sometimes even myself)
2. Time management
3. Prayer and scripture study (personal, family, and couples)
4. Family Home Evening (having an ACTUAL FHE)
5. Exercize
6. Temple attendance
7. Visiting teaching
8. Housework
9. Playtime with my kids

Problem is I REALLY want to be "Super Mom" and it just isn't working out for me :) Turns out being a stay-at-home mother, a wife, and a student is quit the juggling act. I am totally kidding about the wanting to be SUPER MOM part, but I think most women can relate to the feeling of not being able to keep up.

Super Bowl Sunday

2010-02-07T15:21:00.001-08:00

What special time of year!? Looking back on this day in years past it has been a fun day after church for friends to come over and have a little get together. I would plan out the day a few weeks in advance and make sure it was planned. How sad that I can do something literally so unimportant and take up so much of my time. I haven't been planning out the events in my life that are important and I need to get back to that. I need to plan out time to do my daily tasks and responsabilities. I need to look ahead and navigate my course around and for events that do matter i.e. temple night, date night, family time! So to those of you in my life I am sorry I have not been as vigilant this year and I have not been planning my time around important events. I love you and I am going to get myself back on track. I know I can recover from my sickness and keep myself in recovery if I will just plan my life with the right priorities.

Where does the time go??? (Wife Posting)

2010-01-24T15:56:00.001-08:00

Wow I seriously can hardly believe that January 2010 is almost over. Life has just seemed like a whirlwind for me lately and I STILL feel like I am playing catch up from the Holiday's. We were lucky and had family come to us for Christmas this year, it was so great to spend time with those we love so much, I am sad when they leave because I know I wont see them again for awhile, but also there is a sense of stress relief when all of the family goes home and LIFE gets back to normal (whatever normal is anyway:).

This Christmas I was feeling especially grateful for my many blessings, I KNOW that my Father in Heaven loves me so much and is mindful of my family and I's needs. I KNOW that if I will put my life in the hands of the LORD that he will carry me through any trial that comes my way in this life. I feel a very deep gratitude for my trials, I didn't know that this was even possible! I know that the Lord has placed specific trials in my hands because he has given me the tools to endure and conquer these trials. Before we came here to earth we all lived with him in Heaven as his spirit children, he presented the Plan of Happiness to us (more information on mormon.org), we KNEW that we would come to this Earth to be tried and tested, we accepted this challenge willingly and I believe we were also prepared and received specific tools to help us through the trials we would face in our mortal existence so that we can worthily return to live with him again someday. My trials have helped me to grow in ways I didn't even know I was capable of. Over the last several months as I have accepted my own faults rather than constantly focusing on my husbands, there has been a mighty change in my heart. I have learned that the only person that I can change is ME!!! I have LITERALLY felt my heart soften, I have a greater compassion for my husband and a greater love for him (and it feels good).

With the craziness of the Holidays I got a bit off track on my own recovery process. I was doing so well with attending my s-anon 12 step group, reading my s-anon literature, having my personal daily prayer and scripture study, and especially with working on living the principals I have learned through s-anon. All it took was a few days of being really busy with the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season to through me right off track. It got me thinking that if it was THIS hard for me to stay on track with my goals that it must be 100 times harder for my husband who suffers from addictions to stay on track. I have never given my husband enough credit for the progress he has made, I in no way understand what it is like to suffer from an addiction, but for the first time in our marriage I am seeing him as a person who suffers from a disease rather than just a person who makes horrible choices. (Yes addicts do make horrible choices, but they are not horrible people, they are people who have a SICKNESS).

I am learning to set & KEEP boundaries with my husband, he knows what I expect of him and what the consequences are if he does not follow through. More importantly for my own well being I am learning to acknowledge that I need to set & KEEP boundaries with my self, I need to hold myself accountable for the promises I make to ME! My husband and I recently started working with an amazing councilor, this past week I was able to meet with him one on one which was a very enlightening experience. I have spent SOOOOOOOOO much time focusing on my husband, his addictions, his problems, that I haven't even realized that my life has become a MESS in the process, I also haven't realized that I am not happy with WHO I AM. This week the councilor and I talked quit a bit about being 'transparent', he asked if I feel like I have been transparent (completely open and honest) with my spouse about how I am feeling. As I pondered his question I genuinely felt like I have been open about my feelings with my husband, but I also realized that my "OPENNESS" has rarely come out in a constructive way. When I do open up about how I am feeling it is with anger, resentment, screaming, crying, etc... So although I have been open, I have not even come close to handling it the way I should. HOW and WHY did I expect him to be honest and open with me when I was being so horrible to him!

I am a work in progress just as he is, my trials are different than his, but I know now that it is NOT my place to MAKE him change, I can only change myself (and I will:).

The New Year's Resolution

2010-01-03T15:38:00.001-08:00

It seems like every year I find myself making the same goals just like for as long as I can remember I have been making the same mistakes. I am done with my old goals and old habits and not just because I say so or I want it to be so. I have wanted that for a while. It is going to be different for a reason I can't quite put into words. Its a feeling I have and an attitude change I am making.

I know for the first time in a long time how far away i am from where i want to be. That is one thing that is different. Before, i would lied to myself and those around me about who i was and that my addictions weren't that big a deal.

Today, I realize that regaurdless of how often or minor the offence and frequency of my addiction it is as dangerous to me as it is to a person using daily or someone clean for years.

The biggest difference this year is going to be me. I am going to be the warrior Dan Gray talks about. I am going to be the difference in my family and my future.

I love you babe, this is going to be a great year for us. €hanks for still loving and supporting me, and when needed calling me on my crap and using tough love. You are the best.

Amazing Strength

2009-12-17T07:49:00.001-08:00

Has anyone ever tried to hang on to a rope for as long as you can until you fall? I have and I didn't last long. The fact that somehow my wife has been able to hang on to threads for as long as she has is truely amazing. I feel lucky and blessed to still have her in my life. I love you babe and hope you can keep hanging in there while I contiue in recovery!
Hang in there this week, you can do it while i am away!
ps i am making good choices!

Covenant Eyes

2009-12-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)
Recently a man commented on our blog, when I clicked on his name it took me to the Covenant Eyes website. WOW, there is some pretty interesting stuff on there. It is Christian based which I LOVE. I highly recommend visiting their site, www.covenanteyes.com. Through their site they offer an Internet filtration system and also something they refer to as accountability software. The filter blocks objectionable websites from your computer and the accountability software sends Internet usage reports to the people you select. These reports are detailed, showing types of sites, times of the day, and red flagging questionable sites, also if someone tries to disable the software you will be notified immediately. I am so thrilled to find out this type of service/technology is out there! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH!!! It's about time, right? And I love the name "Accountability Software", because it is not our jobs as the spouse to hold them accountable, it is the addicts, and if they truly want help, they need to hold THEMSELVES accountable!

We have used Internet blocks in the past that come standard on your computer, but at one point I was having to type in a code to go to ANY website. This became REALLY annoying and was a reminder several times a day of everything we have been through. I am done holding my husband accountable (or at least trying to anyway), he has to now hold him self accountable. I can't wait to download this software and I am very happy to see that it is very affordable, I believe it is around $8 per month. TOTALLY worth it in my opinion.

We also have a new 24 hour policy in our home. If my husband slips up in ANY way with ANY of his addictions he has 24 hours to confess to me. If he does slip up again there will be serious repercussions (i.e. moving out of our home for a period of time while I decide what is best for me and our children). If he slips up again and does not come to me within the 24 hour boundary we have agreed upon then I will very seriously have to look into divorce. I AM SO DONE WITH THIS. I have given my husband chance after chance after chance. I LOVE HIM, I WANT OUR FAMILY TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, but I WILL NOT be walked on and taken advantage of my entire life. I am giving him ANOTHER chance, I know that this is what the Lord wants me to do, but I can feel deep in my soul that this is all I have, I can't do this forever. My husband has to choose, his family and the Lord, or his addictions. Right now he is doing so well and I am so happy with the changes he is making, but it is a life long process. I know some people might not agree with the way I am choosing to handle this, but everyone is different, every one's rope is a different length, mine WAS long, and I am at the very end of it hanging on by a few threads. This doesn't mean I don't hope and pray every single day for a happy ending, but I am also trying to be logical and realize that my husband has not overcome his addictions in the past, there is a chance he wont now either!

I have mentioned in the past that my husband has never come forward on his own with any of his addictions. The reason that I am aware of his addictions is because I have caught him time and time again. Him not coming to me and me having to find things out on my own has been one of the hardest parts of this journey. I have BEGGED and PLEADED WITH HIM TO JUST COME TO ME! How can you help someone who won't help them self? After we first started attending our 12 step groups (Sexaholics Anonymous SA for my husband, and S-anon for me) my husband came forward (for the first time EVER) and told me that he had stopped in at a convenient store while on a business trip (a few weeks before attending this first meeting) and deliberately looked at a Maxium magazine for the inappropriate pictures. Normally when finding out my husband had slipped up I would have been in a fit of anger, hurt, frustration, etc... but this time I wasn't, yes I was hurt (DEEPLY!!!), but I also felt peace, it felt like a step in the right direction. Some may think of looking at a Maxium magazine as very minor, I'm glad my husband was aware of how not "minor" that was to do that, and I am proud of him for being honest with me. All it takes is one seemingly "little" slip up, one "little" lie or deceit to spiral right back into active addiction.

My heart is telling me how much I love my husband and want to keep our family together, my mind is telling me to not forget the patterns that have lead us down this awful road, my gut is telling me to be cautious, and my God is telling me that if I will be but a little more patient, loving, and Christlike that there is hope and he has big plans for us! I have said it before and I will say it again- if my husband will completely put his life in the Lords hands, surrender everything he has, and every single day fight to keep these addictions and evil out of our life, then I WILL BE HERE HOLDING HIS HAND EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! Our family is worth fitting for, we have amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sweet little children who need us to be happy, healthy, good parents!!! And aside from my husbands addictions we have a good marriage, we get along really well(we rarely fight over anything non-addiction related), we enjoy being together, we love each other, we are so compatible in so many ways and those are the things that keep me hanging on for dear life to my rope!

good days and BAD DAYS

2009-12-12T09:48:00.001-08:00

(Wife posting)

Lately I have had so many more good days then bad, but the other day I had a really bad day. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, but at times it is really easy to slip into that "poor me" state of mind. I love my husband, I am proud of the positive changes he is making in his life, and we are working on making our future brighter, BUT there is still pain, heartache, resentment, distrust, anger, etc... These feelings are so real and so powerful. I do not want them to overcome me again, but there are times that I just don't want to deal with all of this. I want a husband who is not a pornography addict, who doesn't lie, who hasn't had a gambling problem. There is my husband and there is the addict, it is like he has a split personality. If you were to meet him in person you would think he was a sharp, good looking, smart, from outward appearances and perceptions he would seem like he has his life together. HECK, if you were to meet me in person you would think that I have my life together. I love my husband, I hate the addict. Does that make any since?

Recovery is a process. My husband isn't going to suddenly be better, he has to take it day by day. I am having to remind myself lately that this is a process for me too and I have to take it day by day as well. I would love any suggestions from others who have been through this or a similar trial on how they dealt with it. What worked for them and what didn't?

I Love You!

2009-12-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

(picture from our wedding day)

Babe, just wanted to say "I LOVE YOU". Things have been so great lately and I am so happy with the progress WE are making. I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND FOREVER!!!

WOW!

2009-12-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)
A man recently commented on our blog, he too has a blog about sexual addiction recovery, www.feedtherightwolf.org. As I read through some of his posts it was interesting to see sexual addiction through the addicts eyes, he has many wonderful tools that he has used to help him with controlling his addictions and I am impressed with the actions he is taking DAILY in his life to recover. He had an interesting post that had this statistic from google trends.

Take a look for your self, aren't those numbers horrifying!!!
(Key words searched over the past 6 years)

Sexual addiction (or any addiction) must be taken SO SERIOUSLY!!! Pornography is a DRUG, just like cocaine is a drug, if we or someone we loved was addicted to cocaine would we not take it witth the utmost seriousness?

A picture worth a THOUSAND words...

2009-12-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

(Wife Posting)

Over Thanks Giving I snapped a picture of my husband and I. As I was looking back through the pictures on our camera, this picture of us took my breath away. There was a light in my husbands eyes (and mine for that matter) that I have not seen in a very long time. I have not a single doubt that this change in my husband is a direct result of the humility he is showing and the effort he is making to change. Just a few short months ago (if you read back further you will know what I am talking about)I basically thought that just about all hope was lost, I didn't think that my husband would ever change, I didn't think that I could ever get better. I am so grateful for whatever it was that flipped the switch on for both my husband and I. I feel like going to our 12-step groups and getting to hear DAN GRAY from the Lifestar addiction recovery program speak in person has played a HUGE roll in our recovery. Every time I look at this photograph my eyes swell with tears of gratitude for the changes that are happening in our life, for the healing that only FAITH in the Savior can bring, for the blessing of having the knowledge of the Gospel, and for the opportunity we are being given to repent and start over.

The other night I was attending my 12-step group and a woman mentioned her husbands eyes changing. Unfortunately she had not experienced what I recently have, instead she experienced the opposite. She said that she could see the "change" in her husbands eyes and that she feels like she is just standing still waiting for a train to hit her. This absolutely broke my heart, I know her pain, I know the "change" she is talking about, my entire soul aches for her, because, I KNOW!

I am trying very heard to focus on doing the things I need to do DAILY to be happy in this life, to do things that are pleasing unto the Lord, and to not spend so much time focusing on the past. The past is the past, I can not change it (although I would like to), I can only learn and grow from it. NOW is the present and I need to learn to live in the present, taking life one day at a time. I really have a difficult time not dwelling on the past or day dreaming about a better future. I can not make my future better or my children's future better if I don't DAILY be the kind of person I want to be, TODAY!

I feel like I have grown leaps and bounds in the past few months. Things have been so hard in so many different ways but I am incredibly grateful for the trials Heavenly Father has allowed me to face. I have not always been grateful for my trials, for a very long time I took on the victim, "WHY ME", attitude, but now, today, I am so grateful for my trials. My trials have taught me patience, they have humbled me beyond words, they have brought me closer to the Savior and our Heavenly Father, they have strengthened my testimony, and they have helped me to work towards being the person I WANT TO BE! As I have truly placed my life in the Lords hands and realized that I cannot do this alone, that I cannot fix my husband, and that the only person I can fix is me, I have felt this unbelievable inner strength I didn't know I had. I can now see the Lords hand in EVERY aspect on my life, I am so grateful to be closer to him, and want to be worthy to live with him again someday.

Vigilance

2009-12-06T12:52:00.001-08:00

Sometimes when as an addict I am having a good week or day, you know really feeling on top of my life and in control of my actions, I don't think about those in my life (primarily my wife) that I have hurt and disapointed and how just because I am doing well it doesn't mean that they are. So i would like to tell my wife that I love her and I am sorry if I have not been very empathetic this week.
That being said I was just looking back at this last week and already I can see the Pride before the Fall. I haven't been as good at doing the little daily things that will insure myself the best chance each day to over come my addictions. I have not been VIGILANT. That is going to be my focus this week. I am going to be vigilant or as the defintion explains ; watchfull expecially to danger. I know that when things are going well not only with life but also with addictions that we tend to let our gaurd down and get complacent

A MUST READ

2009-12-02T20:52:00.001-08:00

(wife posting)

We have heard so many great things about this book, we are going to buy it and read it together, hope you all will too!!!

(If you have read this book, WE WOULD LOVE to know what you thought about it!!!)

You can find more information & purchase this book at www.salifeline.org

He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD

He Restoreth My Soul by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD
He Restoreth my Soul, is one of the most informative and helpful books written to date on the subject of sexual / pornography addiction. This is a must read by all who have been afflicted by pornography, the “plague of this generation”.

Below you will find an Excerpt from his Donald L. Hilton’s book, “He restoreth My Soul”

“Most, if not all, families will be affected by pornography. If you are a man, you must first safeguard yourself. If you are secretly involved, hopefully this work will convince you there will never be peace for you until you are healed. If you are free from addiction now, you must still guard yourself against future addiction, as all are vulnerable who are not “sober and vigilant,” as Peter warned. If you are a father, it is essential to understand what your sons will be exposed to and that he will be at serious risk for addiction at some point in his life. If you are a woman please understand that this problem is real and must be confronted head on. You also need to be aware of the profound risk your sons face.

It is important for those who have daughters to understand that although the numbers are smaller for girls, there is still a risk, both from visual pornography and primarily from chat rooms, text messaging, and verbal pornography. Also, studies are showing that the young men whom they will date and consider for marriage have virtually all been exposed and many have been or are addicted, to a lesser or greater degree. It is imperative that every young woman understands the scope and seriousness of this problem. Her awareness will help her to be discerning in dating and eventually choosing a marriage partner. Our extended family members are also at risk: sons and daughters-in-law, grandchildren and their spouses, and other loved ones.

Hopefully, bishops and ecclesiastical leaders will find this work to be helpful in understanding the difficulty of treating pornography and sexual addiction adequately from a spiritual perspective alone.

This problem is at least as serious as I have represented it to be and it will continue to escalate. Knowledge is power: we will become more empowered with each bit of knowledge we accrue in regard to pornography addiction. While we have been appropriately concerned about devastating physical diseases such as AIDS, with more understanding and emphasis we will also be able to protect ourselves and our loved ones from this other “overflowing scourge” of pornography. I sincerely hope this work will be helpful to all, both men and women, boys and girls, who struggle with addictions of any kind, including related sexual addictions and compulsions such as same sex attraction, compulsive promiscuity, and also drug addictions.”

“Technology has accelerated our fascination with pleasure. Indeed, the power of pleasure has been underestimated, and Internet pornography is changing the world in a fundamental way. Over 200 years ago the poet Robert Burns said, ”But pleasures are like poppies spread, You seize the flow’r, its bloom is shed; Or like the snow falls in the river, A moment white – then melts forever.” Yet to the person in addiction, the momentary pleasure is irresistible and all-important. The price of acting out in addiction seems paltry compared to the temporary payoff, yet the despair in between episodes of acting out increases as losses accumulate. In this work we explore the power of addiction, not just from a moral and spiritual perspective, but with the scrutiny of modern science, which now tells us that there is little difference in the physical or chemical changes in the pleasure and control centers of the brain regardless of whether the addiction is “from a chemical or an experience,” as stated in the journal Science. It is imperative that we treat pornography and sexual addiction with the respect accorded any drug addiction, for, as we shall see, that is precisely what it is.”

inspiration

2009-11-22T12:47:00.001-08:00

what a good week. It is amazing the difference that can take place inside oneself in a day,hour,or even in a moment. The previous few weeks had been rough for my relationship with my wife. I hadn't been making bad choices but just as importantly I hadnt been doing daily things to show that I want to recover and prove to my wife that I am serious about not falling back into old habits which always lead me back to my addictions.
So throught a serious of fights with the wife, lessons at church and a powerful fireside by Dan Gray I had an amazing change of heart. I awoke to a pupose of my being and had a overwhelming desire to take on my weakness. Like in the fireside I want to awake the warrior with-in and surrender myself to God. I always thought that meant becoming someone else but in really means becoming someone more. I want to be more. I am going to show my God and my family that I am done letting satan get his chains around me I am ready to fight. I know now what that means. It is a battle and If I am going to win it will only be with relying on the General that can never lose and has the knowledge of the battle before they even take place. How powerful is that knowledge

Are YOU a Warrior? (or not)

2009-11-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

Today as I was doing my personal scripture study I came across this verse in the Book of Mormon...

Moroni 7:12
"Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and do that which is evil continually."

This scripture really stood out in my mind, "ALL THAT IS GOOD COMETH OF GOD, ALL THAT WHICH IS EVIL COMETH OF THE DEVIL". There is NO GRAY AREA here, you are either on the Lords side or you are not, there is absolutely no way to be on both sides. I think as human beings we walk a fine line of WANTING to be on the Lords side, but struggling with Satan tempting and enticing us continually to join forces with him. It is so important that we DAILY seek guidance from the Lord for everything in our lives, each day we need to kneel down and pray to our Father in Heaven for strength to be a WARRIOR in his army, to fight against the powers of the evil one, and to not be a casualty in this war of GOOD vs. EVIL.

This past Sunday my husband and I had the opportunity to go to a fireside and hear one of the founders of the Lifestar Sexual Addiction Recovery Program speak (this is a program that we have researched and would like to do ourselves). His talk was all about Warriors, what it means to be a Warrior in Gods army and how to become one. It was an INCREDIBLE talk and I am SO grateful that we were able to hear it. Since going to this fireside my husband and I have spoken many times this week about working hard to always be worthy of being a Warrior in God's army. Being a Warrior doesn't mean you are perfect, being a Warrior means that you have love and respect for the Lord and his commandments, it means that you admit when you are wrong and immediately seek repentance, it means that you STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN!

We need to have the faith of Nephi...
Nephi 3:7

"And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my Father: I will go and do the things which the Lord commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

The speaker also said something in his talk that really struck me, he talked about knowing who is stronger, the Spirit of God or the devil. There have been so many times throughout this journey with my husband that I have thought to myself, "I GIVE up, these addictions are too strong and there is no hope for us." I was SO wrong, and I am incredibly grateful for that. These addictions are very powerful, very controlling, and evil, but the Spirit of God is stronger, more powerful, and able to overcome all things. I wish that my husband and I could have been in the place that we are getting to now years ago, we are truly BEGINNING to surrender our lives over to the Lord, it has been a beautiful, humbling, and empowering experience! The spirit that has been in our home the last few weeks has been wonderful, I am making big changes in my attitude towards this trial, I am seeking to work on my problems and to grow closer to the Lord. In return I have seen growth and progress in my husband that I didn't know was possible, he has been a different person lately and we have had a different marriage. WHY DID IT TAKE US SO LONG TO CALL UPON THE POWERS OF HEAVEN FOR HELP, WHY ARE WE SO STUBBORN TO THINK THAT WE COULD HANDLE THIS DEMON ON OUR OWN? I don't know, but I feel incredible gratitude that it is happening now. Don't get me wrong, we have prayed, we have attended our Church meetings, we have gone to the Temple, we have done these things, but now it is our HEARTS that are changing, we are working towards FULLY putting our lives in the hands of the Lord and trusting that if we follow him completely, in our actions, thoughts, and feelings, HE WILL GET US THROUGH THIS. I believe that we went through certain experiences for a reason, a 'refiners fire' in a since, and after having those experiences we can look back and see where we have been(a place I NEVER want to go back to), but we can also see the direction that we are heading if we put our trust in the Lord Almighty and join HIS ARMY!

At the fireside the speaker talked about how Satan has infiltrated our homes, automobiles, pockets, and laps through radio, television, music, media, Internet, cellular phones, laptops, etc... THE BATTLE IS RAGING STRONG, so I ask...

WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON? ARE YOU GOING TO BE A WARRIOR IN GOD'S ARMY OR ARE YOU GOING TO BE A CASUALTY IN THIS WAR? Satan WILL NOT WIN this war, the Spirit of God is stronger, but it takes all of us joining together to fight the fight.

P.S. As I have thought about Warriors in my own life these people have come to my mind...

Christ
Joseph Smith
Emma Smith
The Pioneers
Adam & Eve
Brigham Young
Gordon B. Hinkley
Thomas S. Monson
Nephi
Moroni
Our former Bishop and his family
My Mother
My Grandmother
My Children!!!

These are just a few that I can think of now, but I'm sure if I were to spend sometime thinking about it that my list would continue to grow and grow!!! I hope to in the future feel worthy to add myself to this list.

The Past and Procrastination

2009-11-14T22:18:00.001-08:00

THE PAST
How do u get past the past? I dont know how to undo what I've done and it doesn't seem like I can move on from the my past mistakes. I know that I can but sometimes it feels like the people my addictions have hurt want to contiually bring up the past and how much damage I have caused. It makes me feel like they dont want to move on. In reality it is the damage I have caused that makes it so hard for those I love to try and move on from the past because they r so afraid to go through all the pain and sorrow addictions cause again. One can only give another person so many chances before there is nothing left. I am getting close to that point with my wife and I am very lucky and blessed she has stood by me thus far! I have a wonderful wife whom I have hurt very badly through the past several years. While I have never cheated on her physically with another person porn is a form of mental unfaithfullness and for that I am and will be forever sorry. I love you and want you to know how much staying with me while I (hopefully and finally) learn to control and recover from my addiction means to me.

PROCRASTINATION
For me the hardest part of all this is not pretending like everything is fine. When my wife seems to be okay and I am busy and just living my life seemingly addiction free I tend to think my wife is okay and I am addiction free. Then the aftermath of my addictions rears it's ugly head in the form of either a nasty fight because I am trying to pretend everything is alright and I don't understand why my wife can't just let it go and I talk and act insenitively or I am not following through on my Daily promices to actively remember and recover from my addictions so my wife calls me on it and I get defensive and make it worse. Why won't I do the little things I need to do to show myself and my wife I will not let my addictions come back into our life again. I know one thing for sure if I dont I am going to have a relapse and It could very well end things with my wife. So how does a perpetutal procrastinator stop procrastinating? I wish I knew but I am going to try my hardest to figure it out and when I do I will let you know!!!

WONDERFUL MESSAGE!

2009-11-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

One of my very best friends (who is also married to a man that is addicted to pornography) sent me this talk to read. It is from the most recent LDS General Conference, I actually did not see this particular talk while watching conference, so I was anxious to get to read it. This talk by Elder Scott is fabulous! I LOVED it, I am now going to study it, pray about it, learn from it, and apply it to MY own life.

*** I have a question for mothers of teenage boys, what have you done to keep them safe from pornography? This is a HUGE fear for me, I have a son, he is very small now, but he won't always be :) and I want to do everything possible to keep him safe from this horrible addiction. I guess I am wondering what anyone out there who may stumble upon this blog has done to keep pornography out of your homes and lives. I KNOW that we can not control another persons actions, but we as mothers, parents,and wives CAN take precautions to protect our home and families from this evil.***

To Acquire Spiritual Guidance
Elder Richard G. Scott
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance.

Throughout the ages, many have obtained guidance helpful to resolve challenges in their lives by following the example of respected individuals who resolved similar problems. Today, world conditions change so rapidly that such a course of action is often not available to us.

Personally, I rejoice in that reality because it creates a condition where we, of necessity, are more dependent upon the Spirit to guide us through the vicissitudes of life. Therefore, we are led to seek personal inspiration in life’s important decisions.

What can you do to enhance your capacity to be led to correct decisions in your life? What are the principles upon which spiritual communication depends? What are the potential barriers to such communication that you need to avoid?

President John Taylor wrote: “Joseph Smith, upwards of forty years ago, said to me: ‘Brother Taylor, you have received the Holy Ghost. Now follow the influence of that Spirit, and it will lead you into all truth, until by and by, it will become in you a principle of revelation.’ Then he told me never to arise in the morning without bowing before the Lord, and dedicating myself to him during that day.”1

Father in Heaven knew that you would face challenges and be required to make some decisions that would be beyond your own ability to decide correctly. In His plan of happiness, He included a provision for you to receive help with such challenges and decisions during your mortal life. That assistance will come to you through the Holy Ghost as spiritual guidance. It is a power, beyond your own capability, that a loving Heavenly Father wants you to use consistently for your peace and happiness.

I am convinced that there is no simple formula or technique that would immediately allow you to master the ability to be guided by the voice of the Spirit. Our Father expects you to learn how to obtain that divine help by exercising faith in Him and His Holy Son, Jesus Christ. Were you to receive inspired guidance just for the asking, you would become weak and ever more dependent on Them. They know that essential personal growth will come as you struggle to learn how to be led by the Spirit.

What may appear initially to be a daunting task will be much easier to manage over time as you consistently strive to recognize and follow feelings prompted by the Spirit. Your confidence in the direction you receive from the Holy Ghost will also become stronger. I witness that as you gain experience and success in being guided by the Spirit, your confidence in the impressions you feel can become more certain than your dependence on what you see or hear.

Spirituality yields two fruits. The first is inspiration to know what to do. The second is power, or the capacity to do it. These two capacities come together. That’s why Nephi could say, “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded.”2 He knew the spiritual laws upon which inspiration and power are based. Yes, God answers prayer and gives us spiritual direction when we live obediently and exercise the required faith in Him.

Now I share an experience that taught me a way to gain spiritual guidance. One Sunday I attended the priesthood meeting of a Spanish branch in Mexico City. I vividly recall how a humble Mexican priesthood leader struggled to communicate the truths of the gospel in his lesson material. I noted the intense desire he had to share those principles he strongly valued with his quorum members. He recognized that they were of great worth to the brethren present. In his manner, there was an evidence of a pure love of the Savior and love of those he taught.

His sincerity, purity of intent, and love permitted a spiritual strength to envelop the room. I was deeply touched. Then I began to receive personal impressions as an extension of the principles taught by that humble instructor. They were personal and related to my assignments in the area. They came in answer to my prolonged, prayerful efforts to learn.

As each impression came, I carefully wrote it down. In the process, I was given precious truths that I greatly needed in order to be a more effective servant of the Lord. The details of the communication are sacred and, like a patriarchal blessing, were for my individual benefit. I was given specific directions, instructions, and conditioned promises that have beneficially altered the course of my life.

Subsequently, I visited the Sunday School class in our ward, where a very well-educated teacher presented his lesson. That experience was in striking contrast to the one enjoyed in the priesthood meeting. It seemed to me that the instructor had purposely chosen obscure references and unusual examples to illustrate the principles of the lesson. I had the distinct impression that this instructor was using the teaching opportunity to impress the class with his vast store of knowledge. At any rate, he certainly did not seem as intent on communicating principles as had the humble priesthood leader.

In that environment, strong impressions began to flow to me again. I wrote them down. The message included specific counsel on how to become more effective as an instrument in the hands of the Lord. I received such an outpouring of impressions that were so personal that I felt it was not appropriate to record them in the midst of a Sunday School class. I sought a more private location, where I continued to write the feelings that flooded into my mind and heart as faithfully as possible. After each powerful impression was recorded, I pondered the feelings I had received to determine if I had accurately expressed them in writing. As a result, I made a few minor changes to what had been written. Then I studied their meaning and application in my own life.

Subsequently I prayed, reviewing with the Lord what I thought I had been taught by the Spirit. When a feeling of peace came, I thanked Him for the guidance given. I was then impressed to ask, “Was there yet more to be given?” I received further impressions, and the process of writing down the impressions, pondering, and praying for confirmation was repeated. Again I was prompted to ask, “Is there more I should know?” And there was. When that last, most sacred experience was concluded, I had received some of the most precious, specific, personal direction one could hope to obtain in this life. Had I not responded to the first impressions and recorded them, I would not have received the last, most precious guidance.

What I have described is not an isolated experience. It embodies several true principles regarding communication from the Lord to His children here on earth. I believe that you can leave the most precious, personal direction of the Spirit unheard because you do not respond to, record, and apply the first promptings that come to you.

Impressions of the Spirit can come in response to urgent prayer or unsolicited when needed. Sometimes the Lord reveals truth to you when you are not actively seeking it, such as when you are in danger and do not know it. However, the Lord will not force you to learn. You must exercise your agency to authorize the Spirit to teach you. As you make this a practice in your life, you will be more perceptive to the feelings that come with spiritual guidance. Then, when that guidance comes, sometimes when you least expect it, you will recognize it more easily.

The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate, passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeño pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit.

Sin is addictive; self-degenerating; conducive to other strains of corruption; deadening to spirituality, conscience, and reason; blinding to reality; contagious; destructive to mind, body, and spirit. Sin is spiritually corrosive. Unrestrained it becomes all-consuming. It is overcome by repentance and righteousness.

I share a warning. Satan is extremely good at blocking spiritual communication by inducing individuals, through temptation, to violate the laws upon which spiritual communication is founded. With some, he is able to convince them that they are not able to receive such guidance from the Lord.

Satan has become a master at using the addictive power of pornography to limit individual capacity to be led by the Spirit. The onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms has caused great grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages. It is one of the most damning influences on earth. Whether it be through the printed page, movies, television, obscene lyrics, vulgarities on the telephone, or flickering personal computer screen, pornography is overpoweringly addictive and severely damaging. This potent tool of Lucifer degrades the mind and the heart and the soul of any who use it. All who are caught in its seductive, tantalizing web and remain so will become addicted to its immoral, destructive influence. For many, that addiction cannot be overcome without help. The tragic pattern is so familiar. It begins with curiosity that is fueled by its stimulation and is justified by the false premise that when done privately, it does no harm to anyone else. For those lulled by this lie, the experimentation goes deeper, with more powerful stimulations, until the trap closes and a terribly immoral, addictive habit exercises its vicious control.

Participation in pornography in any of its lurid forms is a manifestation of unbridled selfishness. How can a man, particularly a priesthood bearer, not think of the emotional and spiritual damage caused to women, especially his wife, by such abhorrent activity?

Well did inspired Nephi declare, “And [the devil] will . . . pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, . . . and thus [he] cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.”3

If you are ensnarled in pornography, make a total commitment to overcome it now. Find a quiet place; pray urgently for help and support. Be patient and obedient. Don’t give up.

Parents, be aware that the addiction of pornography can begin with youth at a very early age. Take preventative action to avoid that tragedy. Stake presidents and bishops, warn of this evil. Invite anyone you consider captured by it to come to you for help.An individual with foundation standards and an enduring commitment to obey them is not easily led astray. Someone who is increasingly repulsed by grievous sin and who exercises self-restraint outside human influence has character. Repentance will be more efficacious for such an individual. A feeling of remorse after a mistake is a fertile soil wherein repentance can flower.

Have patience as you are perfecting your ability to be led by the Spirit. By careful practice, through the application of correct principles, and by being sensitive to the feelings that come, you will gain spiritual guidance. I bear witness that the Lord, through the Holy Ghost, can speak to your mind and heart. Sometimes the impressions are just general feelings. Sometimes the direction comes so clearly and so unmistakably that it can be written down like spiritual dictation.4

I bear solemn witness that as you pray with all the fervor of your soul with humility and gratitude, you can learn to be consistently guided by the Holy Spirit in all aspects of your life. I have confirmed the truthfulness of that principle in the crucible of my own life. I testify that you can personally learn to master the principles of being guided by the Spirit. That way, the Savior can guide you to resolve challenges of life and enjoy great peace and happiness. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

NOTES
1. John Taylor, The Gospel Kingdom, ed. G. Homer Durham (1943), 43–44.
2. 1 Nephi 3:7.
3. 2 Nephi 28:21.
4. See D&C 8:2.

Developing and Teaching Self-Mastery

2009-11-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

(Wife posting)

I found this lesson today on LDS.Org while doing some research. I think this is an AMAZING lesson and will help anyone with any type of trial. I also posted earlier today some thoughts and feelings I have had over the past week, if you scroll down to the post previous to this one you can read it there.

{To my husband, I hope that you will read and study this lesson, I plan to read and study this lesson my self because I believe it will be an extremely helpful tool for me, I would love to study it together, but that will be YOUR choice, I hope that through studying this lesson that you might be able to better understand where I am coming from with "setting boundaries" and me needing to SEE effort from you.}

“Lesson 18: Developing and Teaching Self-Mastery,” Duties and Blessings of the Priesthood: Basic Manual for Priesthood Holders, Part B, 163

The purpose of this lesson is to help us develop greater self-mastery and to teach us how to help our children develop this strength.

Introduction
A story is told about how Arabian horses are selected and trained. Because these horses are used in important service, they must have unquestioning obedience to their masters. Early in their training they are taught to respond instantly to the master’s command. Then they are given a test to see how they behave under pressure. For a long period of time they are kept in an enclosure away from water that is available just outside the gate. After a period of time the gate is opened, and the horses run for the water. Just before they reach the water, however, the master blows a whistle. Because of their thirst, some of the horses pay no attention. But others immediately turn and go to the master. These obedient horses have learned discipline and are accepted for the most important jobs. The others are used in less important work. (Adapted from Sterling W. Sill, Leadership [1958], 1:62–63.)

The Lord has given us our agency. Thus, we are free to make choices. These choices determine our future: As we choose righteousness, we prove ourselves worthy to serve in the kingdom of God. But to choose righteousness, we, like the horses, need training, discipline, and obedience. These things help us control our appetites and passions and teach us to follow the promptings of our Master, even when we are tempted.

• Read Proverbs 16:32.

Self-Mastery Is Necessary for Eternal Progression
Self-mastery is the power within us to control our desires and actions. Such power is necessary to return to live with Heavenly Father. It requires continual effort on our part, but as we develop self-mastery, we become better prepared to make correct decisions.

Self-mastery is especially important for us as priesthood bearers. We cannot effectively counsel and serve others unless we are striving to master ourselves. As we strive for self-mastery we are an example to our children and others.

When we are baptized, we begin a new life devoted to following the Savior. But to follow Him we must overcome worldliness, weakness, and imperfection. The Savior taught, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me” (Matthew 16:24). He also taught, “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it” (Matthew 7:13–14).

Entering into the narrow way requires self-restraint and self-denial. It means overcoming temptations. But the Lord promises to reward us for mastering ourselves and following His commandments.

Self-Mastery Makes Us Free
Heavenly Father has given us commandments because He loves us and wants to protect us from sorrow. Following His commandments will make us free.

Developing self-mastery will help us form positive habits such as arising early, studying the scriptures daily, and fulfilling our assignments promptly. Such habits can free us from confusion. Following are other principles that bring us freedom when we obey them:

Tithing
By obeying the law of tithing, we learn to overcome selfish desires.

The Word of Wisdom
By living this law we can be free of the harmful effects of tobacco, alcohol, and drugs.

Chastity
Keeping our actions and thoughts within the boundaries the Lord has set frees us from sorrow and regret.

• What other gospel principles bring us freedom when we follow them? How do they free us?

Gaining Self-Mastery
• Read Alma 37:32–37. What does this scripture teach us about self-mastery? (We should feel disgust for sin and iniquity, repent, have faith in Christ, be humble, make the effort to withstand every temptation, never become weary of good works, learn wisdom, keep the commandments of God, pray, and counsel with the Lord in all our doings.)

Gaining self-mastery is a lifelong process. It requires a knowledge of ourselves and of gospel principles. It means setting goals to live those principles and relying on the Lord for strength and support as we do our best to reach those goals.

• Display a poster of the following list, or refer to the information on the chalkboard:

How to Gain Self-Mastery

1. Know yourself.

2. Set righteous goals.

3. Rely on the Lord through prayer and scripture study.

Know Yourself
As we gain experience and learn more about the gospel, we come to recognize our strengths and weaknesses. With this recognition comes a desire to overcome bad habits and feelings and a motivation to improve strengths we already have.

President David O. McKay said that some of the evils we find in ourselves are jealousy, hatred, envy, and animosity. Of them he said: “All such evils you must overcome by suppression. That is where your control comes in. Suppress that anger! Suppress that jealousy, that envy! They are all injurious to the spirit” (Gospel Ideals [1954], 356).

Overcoming these feelings is not easy; it takes time to change. But as we make the effort and depend on Heavenly Father’s help, we will develop the patience and courage to overcome the evils we find in ourselves.

Set Righteous Goals
A good way to gain self-mastery is to set and achieve goals. If we have a goal firmly set in our minds and work to accomplish our goals with the Lord’s help, we will achieve self-mastery. This process requires endurance, but the Lord has told us that we must endure to the end in righteous living to achieve the goal of exaltation, or eternal life (see D&C 14:7).

• Ask the class members to ponder for a moment the goals they are presently working toward.

Rely on the Lord through Prayer and Scripture Study
It takes faith in Jesus Christ to overcome our temptations and achieve our eternal goals. Regular prayer and scripture study promote this faith and help us gain the strength to overcome our problems. In addition, the lives of the Lord’s servants detailed in the scriptures set examples for us to follow; they help us realize that if others have gained self-mastery, we can gain it too.

• Invite class members to tell how they have gained self-mastery through reading the scriptures and praying.

Helping Children Develop Self-Mastery
• Show visual 18-a, “Wise parents teach their children self-mastery.”

Our homes should be places where our children can learn self-mastery. The following four principles can help us teach our children self-mastery.

• Display a poster of the following list, or refer to the information on the chalkboard:

How to Teach Children Self-Mastery

1. Establish and enforce rules early.

2. Teach children the principles of the gospel.

3. Give children responsibility.

4. Discipline with love.

Establish and Enforce Rules Early
President David O. McKay taught that a child should learn obedience at an early age. If parents do not teach their children obedience early, they may have difficulty doing so later on. He stressed that we should let the child be free to develop; but if the child goes beyond the established rules, we should be gentle, yet firm, in our restraint. (See Stepping Stones to an Abundant Life, comp. Llewelyn R. McKay [1971], 38.)

President N. Eldon Tanner also discussed the importance of teaching children while they are young: “While we are teaching [our children], we have the responsibility to discipline them and to see that they do what is right. If a child is [covered] with dirt, we do not wait until he grows up to decide whether or not he will bathe. We do not let him wait to decide whether or not he will take his medicine when sick, or go to school or to church” (Seek Ye First The Kingdom of God, comp. LaRue Sneff [1973], 87).

Teach Children the Principles of the Gospel
President N. Eldon Tanner said: “Parents also should teach their children early in life the glorious concept and fact that they are spirit children of God, and [that] choosing to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ is the only way to enjoy success and happiness here and eternal life hereafter. They must be taught that Satan is real and that he will use all agencies at his disposal to tempt them to do wrong, to [try to] lead them astray, make them his captives, and keep them from [the] supreme happiness and exaltation they could otherwise enjoy” (Seek Ye First The Kingdom of God, 87).

If we want to teach our children gospel principles, we must also set proper examples for our children to follow. If we fail to control our appetites and passions, we cannot expect our children to control theirs.

Give Children Responsibility
Elder L. Tom Perry said: “We must be … certain that our teaching is adequate and that we have instilled a faith and trust in the Lord in [our children’s] lives. We must be certain that they have been trained properly, and as they start to mature spiritually, we need to give them opportunities to express the strength that is growing within them. We need to give them our faith and trust and then give them responsibility” (in Conference Report, São Paulo Area Conference 1975, 12).

There are many ways to teach children responsibility. Elder F. Enzio Busche gave one example:

“We try to guide our children toward self-respect … and mostly leave it up to them to judge themselves. We have experienced the fact that one is not as good a teacher when one discovers and points out mistakes … as when one helps a child to discover for himself that he is doing wrong. When a child can comprehend his mistakes himself, the first step to change has already been taken.

“I remember once how we asked our son, after a transgression, to set his own punishment. He decided that he should not be allowed to watch television for one month. That seemed to us to be considerably too severe, but how happy we were to hear from his grandmother that while visiting her he had insisted she was wrong to encourage him to watch a certain television program, even though his parents would never know. I don’t think there can be a greater joy for parents than to see a child handle himself well in a difficult situation” (“Provoke Not Your Children,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 42).

• What did Elder Busche do to help his children develop self-mastery? (He helped them gain self-respect by discovering their own mistakes. He encouraged them to discipline themselves.)

Before we give our children responsibilities, we as parents must ensure that they are ready for them. President Tanner explained: “Children do not learn by themselves how to distinguish right from wrong. Parents have to determine the child’s readiness to assume responsibility and his capacity to make sound decisions, to evaluate alternatives, and [to experience] the results of doing so” (Seek Ye First The Kingdom of God, 87).

Discipline with Love
When we discipline our children, we should do so with firmness but not cruelty. We should clearly state our expectations of them and give appropriate punishments. After we discipline our children, we should show an increase of love toward them.

• Read Doctrine and Covenants 121:43–44. Why should we show an increase of love to children after disciplining them? (So they understand that we love them and that we discipline them to ensure their well-being, and so they do not think we are their enemy)

• Discuss the following examples with the class. Emphasize that the solutions require self-mastery. You may want to ask for personal examples from class members instead of listing these examples.

1. Sven and Inger have three teenage children who argue and quarrel constantly. How could they help their children stop quarreling and develop self-mastery?

2. John and Elsie want to have family prayer in their home each day, but work schedules, school schedules, and other duties interfere. Family members feel that it is impossible to get together for family prayer. What can John and Elsie do to help the family develop the self-mastery to have family prayer?

3. The Unga family recognizes the need to pay tithing, but the family members never feel that they have enough money to meet their other expenses. However, they always seem to have enough money for recreation, new clothing, and nonessential items as they desire them. How can these family members develop the self-mastery to pay tithing?

• How will individuals who have mastered themselves act toward others in their family?

Conclusion
Using our God-given agency and working diligently, we must develop self-mastery if we want to prepare ourselves and our families to meet challenges. We must be able to make proper choices and to control our desires and emotions if we are to prepare to return to our Father in Heaven.

• Bear your testimony that as family members consciously develop self-mastery, they can overcome many of the problems in their lives.

• Sing “Choose the Right” (Hymns,no. 239), or read the words, found below.

Choose the Right
Choose the right when a choice is placed before you.
In the right the Holy Spirit guides;
And its light is forever shining o’er you,
When in the right your heart confides.

[Chorus] Choose the right! Choose the right!
Let wisdom mark the way before.
In its light, choose the right!
And God will bless you evermore.

Choose the right! Let no spirit of digression
Overcome you in the evil hour.
There’s the right and the wrong to ev’ry question;
Be safe through inspiration’s pow’r.
[Chorus]

Choose the right! There is peace in righteous doing.
Choose the right! There’s safety for the soul.
Choose the right in all labors you’re pursuing;
Let God and heaven be your goal.
[Chorus]

Challenge
Select a problem in your life or in your family. Follow the steps outlined in the lesson to master the problem. Read the scriptures for appropriate models in developing self-discipline.

Additional Scriptures
• Proverbs 25:28 (rule your own spirit)

• James 1:26 (control your speech)

• Alma 38 (Alma’s counsel to Shiblon to observe meekness and self-control)

Teacher Preparation
Before presenting this lesson:

1. Study Gospel Principles chapter 4, “Freedom to Choose.”

2. Prepare the posters suggested in the lesson, or write the information on the chalkboard.

3. Prepare to have the class sing at the conclusion of the lesson “Choose the Right” (Hymns, no. 239), or plan to read the words in class.

4. Be prepared to bear your testimony that as family members consciously develop self-mastery, they can overcome many personal problems.

5. Assign class members to present any stories, scriptures, or quotations you wish.

[picture] 18-a, Wise parents teach their children self-mastery.

This is a GREAT video, watch it!!!

2009-11-11T13:01:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIrGKB5nRKE

A few thoughts...

2009-11-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

(wife posting)

Last week I attended my second 12-step recovery meeting for those that love someone who struggles from sexual addictions. I wish that I could go to these meetings every week, but with finances right now we can't afford to get a sitter that often, hopefully that will change soon. The meeting was great, it reminded me that I am not alone in my thoughts, fears, frustrations, hopes, etc... These are normal emotions for people in my situation.

For now I am on step one-

"Admit that you are powerless over sexaholism-that your life has become unmanageable."

Sounds easy, right? It should be so easy for me to admit that I am powerless over my husbands addictions and that MY life has become unmanageable due to my attitude and actions as a result of these addictions. Well guess what, it isn't!!!!!!

Giving up power is a hard thing, I have tried to control my husband addictions for so long now that at times it has consumed me, I want to "fix" things, I want to make threats so that he wont do these horrible things again, I want to threaten divorce in the hope that it will scare him away from Pornography forever, I WANT TO CONTROL THIS and I can't! I think what is even harder to admit is that MY life has become unmanageable through this. WHAT! I know this is true, but it is not easy to admit. The first time my husband and I saw a councilor together, at the end of the session she handed both my husband and I a paper with a list of questions to answer and things to work on before our next session. At first I thought, sweet, here is where I get to go off about all that I have been through. To my surprise and horror this wasn't what this assignment was about AT ALL. This assignment was about me looking at my own life and recognizing what I needed to work on. I was so offended, I thought 'how dare she give me this when we are here to talk about HIM'. It took some serious humbling of myself to actually do the assignment and truly look at my own life and where it was really at. I am grateful I did that.

This past week I have searched within my self to really understand step one and apply it to my life. I have prayed for guidance and I have felt the spirit whisper words of encouragement daily this week. My biggest struggle this past week (and always) has been letting go of trying TO MAKE my husband actively participate in recovery with me, I want him to so badly, but in the end the choice is up to him!

These are just a few of the thoughts and feelings I have had this past week...

Lead by example

I have had this feeling several times this week, that if I lead by example that my husband will follow. I spend so much time worrying about why he isn't working on HIS recovery, why he isn't reading his material, why he isn't praying or reading his scriptures, that I don't stop and think about what I am doing for my recovery. A few days ago I decided that I wasn't going to bring up any of these things to my husband that day, I wasn't going to give him any reminders, even if the reminders were kindly given. Instead I worked on ME this day, I said my prayers, I read my scriptures, I read my 12-step book, and GUESS WHAT, that night when he saw me doing this he pulled out his materials, sat on the bed next to me and did the same. That night before we went to sleep we knelt and prayed together, then we cuddled up in bed and went to sleep. IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! I didn't have to nag him, get frustrated with him, have the same old argument of 'why aren't you doing this or doing that'. It was peaceful and wonderful. I hope that as I continue to be an example for my husband that we can start to form good habits together and that at times he can lead me through his example.

Another thought I have had often this past week is that, 'it is okay to feel anger, but don't let it consume you."

I have felt the Lord continually remind me this past week that it is okay and normal for me to feel anger over these addictions that have damaged my marriage and life so much. That might sound so strange to people, but it is true, I feel like anger is part of the process, it is part of working through this, but has the Lord has gently reminded me, over and over again, I need to move on from my anger, I need to deal with it and put it behind me so that I can heal.

The last prompting that I have been having that I would like to share is the thought I have had several times that, ' the only person I can fix is me.'

THIS has been a hard one for me!!! But I hope that as I work on myself that my husband will see this and want to do the same. I want to be in a better place in my life, I know that this will take so much work, but it will be worth it. The hardest part is knowing that I have to do this for me wither or not my husband chooses to do it for him self. I will continue to hope, pray, and plead with the Lord that my husband will make the right choice.

To my Husband,

I am proud of the progress that you are making and the progress we are making, even if it is slow! I love you so much and I am grateful for all of the wonderful things you bring into my life. Thank you for being my husband, best friend, and father of our beautiful children, THIS FAMILY IS WORTH FITTING FOR!!!

Love,

Your wife

Tough Decisions

2009-10-24T11:02:00.001-07:00

(wife posting)

Our youngest child is approaching the age where I generally start to get that, "it's time to have another baby" feeling. The thought of bringing another life, another child into an already complicated and difficult situation is absolutely frightening to me. I want more than ANYTHING for my husband to recover from his addictions, I want our family and our marriage to be healthy and happy, and I want to be able to have more children without the fear that I might not be able to provide the kind of life and family that my children deserve. Recently several of our friends have announced that they have a new little one on the way, I am happy and excited for them, but at the same time it makes me sad (for us, not them), it reminds me that my marriage is not in a place where we can make those kinds of decisions right now. I truly hope that someday, hopefully soon, as we continue to work through these GIANT obstacles that I can eventually feel at peace with having another baby. I love and adore my children, they are so amazing, I am incredibly grateful that Heavenly Father entrusted them in my care and if I never get to the point where I feel like we can bring another child into this world then it will be okay because we have been blessed so much already.

Words To Live By...

2009-10-19T15:16:00.000-07:00

I saw this quote today by our beloved Prophet, Thomas S. Monson, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

"The past is behind, learn from it.

The future is ahead; prepare for it.

The present is here, live it."

Thomas S. Monson, May 2009

***At times I take for grated the amazingly wonderful blessing it is to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, then I see a quote like I did today by a Prophet called of God to lead his children, and I am reminded of just how lucky I am. The Gospel is my CORE, it is my strength, and I am constantly humbled by the peace and knowledge it brings me.***

My husband and I are both members of the LDS faith, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, this blog was created to help us through our trials and to help others suffering from addiction or any trial in their life. If you are not a member of our church please know that you are more than welcome here, this is a place for anyone who is suffering. To those that are not members of our faith I encourage you to visit the site www.mormon.org to learn more about what we believe, I PROMISE you that if you will learn about our beliefs and go to Heavenly Father (God) in prayer and humbly ask him if these beliefs are true, he WILL answer your prayer. I also promise you that once you receive your answer from Heavenly Father and seek to have the Gospel in your life that you will find happiness, peace, and guidance beyond comprehension.

With love,

(wife posting)

The Loop

2009-10-18T22:39:00.001-07:00

(husband)
I would first like to say a few things to my family. I love u. I will always love you. I could never do this without you. My wife has been both a loving partner that lovingly helps me and a loving partner that gives me "tough love" when called for. I don't think i realize how hard the tough love can be for the one giving it. I know I don't espesially love being on the receiving end of it even though I need it but I have never considered how hard that could be to give out so let me just say thankyou for still being there.
About a week and a half ago I went to my first SA meeting(sexaholic anonomous). To say it was eye opening would be an understatement. I saw people going through what I have been going through, people going through worse, and people who I could see that struggled with my problem and didn't get help and went on to have much bigger problems before they got help. It scared me to death. It motivated me to want to do more. It gave me hope and then I fell right into my loop!
I don't know if all people with my addictions have this loop or if it is just me but I hate it. Something will happen to cause high emotions(most likely me not doing what I promise to do to show my wife I am actively doing something about my addictions) and there will be a fight and I will feel bad and make more promises to myself and my wife, then for all of a second I will do that, then I will get busy and because my wife seems okay I will think things are fine I will go right back to life as if I were a normal person and my wife and I a normal couple, then comes another high emotional event. That is the loop and I feel stuck in it. The problem is that the loop leads me inevitable back to my addiction. I have managed to stay in the loop for over a year without a major relapse but I know that if I don't start showing the Lord, my wife and myself everyday that I am going to stop this addiction from ruling me then I will lose everything. I need out of this loop so bad, I want out so bad, I don't get why I can't seem to do it! It is hard to look in the mirror and see myself for what I am. It is hard to look at my marriage and see what I have done to it. I am not a normal person and things with my wife and I are not good. I am not sure if we will make it. It will be because of me if we don't. It is scarey to write that but it is the only way to keep it from happening. If we as addicts don't see things the way they really are we can never correct them.
One promise I made to myself and my wife was that I would write in this blog once a week. You can see how well I've done. I am doing so right now infact because of another high emotional event(lets call those HEEs) but even though it would have been better if I had done so on my own I know if I don't start the habit of doing it with these reminders I might never.
I know I say this too much but to my wife I am sorry It takes me so long to "get it" and I do love you so much.

I'm Scared

2009-10-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

(Wife posting)

Our family has had an extremely rough year and a half (aside from my husbands addictions), there have been moments where I have felt like giving up and I have thought 'why us, we have been through so much already'. I know it will do me no good to think about all the why's and that I need to look towards the future with faith that if we live righteously that the Lord will bless us. Recently I have felt so good about the direction things are going, I feel like we are being given a chance to start over, a new place, a new job, a new perspective, but as I get more and more 'comfortable' with the direction things are going, paranoia starts to set in. See, every time I get comfortable and THINK that things are going so well, that is when my heart gets broken, that is when my husband slips up again. I don't know if I can survive having my heart broken again. I don't want to live in fear, but when you are married to someone who is an addict weather it be pornography, drugs, gambling, etc... it is very difficult to not constantly wonder, 'what is going to happen next'. If anyone out there has been through trials similar to ours has any advice for me I will gladly listen, I want to enjoy this time of things progressing and going well without constantly being paranoid that the next bomb is about to go off.

A BIG step in the RIGHT direction

2009-10-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)

Last week I followed through with the promise I had made to myself to attend a 12-step group for those that love someone who is an sex addict. I really didn't want to go but I felt the spirit so strongly as if someone was literally taking me by the hand and pulling me there. To my surprise my husband came with me. I attended the group for the spouses and he attended the group for the addicts. As I walked into the room I felt a wave of emotions... fear, anger, resentment... and then something I didn't expect...the Spirit, it filled the room, it was undeniable and extremely powerful. As I looked into the faces of these women (and a few men) it was as if I could see right to their soul, I could see the pain in their eyes, pain that I am all to familiar with, but I also noticed those that seemed to be more at peace with their trials. I have no doubt that even those that seemed more in control of their emotions and in a better place than I am currently still have very difficult times, but seeing them working through their trials and 'recovering' gave me so much peace to know that someday, hopefully soon, I too can be in a better place.

I really didn't know what to expect going to this group. I was very pleasantly surprised by what a humbling and wonderful experience it was for both me and my husband. After the meetings were over and my husband and I got back in our car we were able to talk privately about what we each thought about the meetings. It was so nice to hear what an eye opening experience this had been for my husband, he said things to me that I never expected to hear from him, it was a answer to so many of my prayers over the last six years. (I will leave it up to him to decide if he should share his personal experience or not.)

Things between my husband and I have been so much better since we attended these meetings together. I feel like we are really starting to grasp what it means to truly turn our lives over to the Lord and follow HIS will no matter how hard it may be. I have found this past week that it has been easier to make sure we are saying our prayers together as a couple, to read the scriptures and pray individually, and to feel connected as a couple. I know that we were blessed with strength in these areas because we followed the Lords will over our own. Neither my husband or I really WANTED to go to these meetings, it is never easy to FACE our problems, but it is what we NEEDED to do and I am grateful to the Lord for granting us the strength to follow through.

If you would like more information about the 12-step group that we attended please email us at
spirituallyfit09@gmail.com

New day, Same BATTLE

2009-09-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)

I have been meaning to post for awhile now but life has been so busy that I haven't had much free time. Our family is ALL together again and it has been really nice to have us all under one roof. The kids have missed their daddy SOOO much and it is great to not be single parenting anymore. The first couple of days that we were all home together things between my husband and I were wonderful, then slowly the 'honeymoon' effect began to wear off and we have been struggling with re-adjusting to living together again. I knew that this would be a hard adjustment but I guess I was just really hopeful that my husband would be a changed man after almost 3 months with out his family. I felt so much humility from him while we were apart but now that we are together again I feel like he is right back in his comfort zone and isn't appreciating what a GIFT it is to have his family back. I by no means expected him to completely change, but I really thought that maybe things would 'sink in' a little deeper. To his credit things have been CRAZY with work, with the kids, one of our cars completely died, etc... etc... We are experiencing many more trials on top of our marital problems and my husbands addictions, but still I am finding my self puzzled that he isn't making a bigger effort to show me that he is grateful that he now has his family back in his life.

Our marriage has been made up of broken promises after broken promises. My husband gets caught in addiction, promises to stop and change, then things happen again. I do know that he wants to stop, he wants to be free of these addictions, but I don't believe he knows how to stop. I really don't know where to go from here. I want to stay, I want things to work out, I want our family to be together but yet I don't see my husband doing anything to make those things possible. Yes he is a great dad, he is helpful around the house, he works hard to provide for our family, but what he doesn't do is actively DEAL with his addictions. He thinks that just because he isn't currently looking at pornography or gambling that he doesn't need to daily deal with these things. I truly believe that if you struggle with addiction of any kind that you MUST work on controlling those addictions EVERYDAY, because if you don't they will just creep right back into your life in one form or another. This blog is a PERFECT example of my husband promising to do something and not following through with it. We set this blog up as a tool for HIM to work on actively dealing with his addictions, he promised to write here regularly, but that has obviously NOT happened. I am tired of broken promises, I am tired of my husband not dealing with HIS addictions, I am tired of being the one to always SAVE him. I just want him to follow through with his promises, I don't want to have to ask him to write on this blog, I want him to do it because he knows it will help him work through these things. I don't want to have to ask him to go to counseling, I want HIM to set up the appointment. I am tired of carrying all of the load on my shoulders!!!

I have done some pretty serious soul searching these last few months and have decided that I will no longer let my husband hold me back from MY healing. I will no longer wait for him to make the counseling appointment, I will just go alone because it is something that I need to do for ME. I am also going to go to a meeting once a week for women that have been through experiences similar to mine, this is something I am VERY nervous about doing, but I believe that it will help me. I have also done a lot of research about depression recently and I really think that there is a very good chance that I have been suffering from depression for a very long time. This is not something that I want to admit, but I know that the only way for me to get help is to deal with MY issues head on. For now I am going to stop trying to 'fix' my husband and work on fixing ME.

I want to encourage those that are personally struggling with addiction or those that are struggling because they love someone who has addictions to get the help that THEY need. I'm not sure we can adequately help those in addiction until we help our selves, learn tools to deal with these trials, and educate our selves on addiction.

PLEASE feel free to anonymously leave your comments, questions, advice, concerns, etc... I TRULY want this blog to be somewhere people can come to OPENLY talk about addiction and to help each other.

"May God Help Us"

2009-08-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

(wife posting)

I saw this quote today and it truly spoke to me...

"May God help us to be a little kinder,

showing forth greater forbearance,

to be more FORGIVING,

more willing to walk the SECOND mile,

to reach down and lift UP those who may have sinned

but have brought forth the fruits of repentance,

to lay aside old grudges and nurture them no more."

-President Gordon B. Hinkely (former LDS Prophet)

October 2005

I am so excited for our family to be together again. I am excited to have all of us under one roof, I am excited to have a husband again and for my kids to have a mom and a DAD again. But I am scared, anxious, and worried about what the future holds for our family and our marriage. I desperately want my husband to change, to get the guidance and help he needs, and to daily rely on the Lord for strength to overcome these addictions. I KNOW that he CAN do it, but what I don't know is if he WILL do it. With all these uncertainties there are a few things I do know with out a single doubt...

*The Gospel of Jesus Christ is TRUE, I know that for a fact, my testimony of the Savior and HIS Gospel (The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints) is my CORE, it is my strength and my foundation, with out my testimony I would feel so lost, alone, and afraid.

*My Heavenly Father LOVES me, he LOVES my husband, he LOVES my children (he LOVES all of his children here on earth), he wants us to be happy, I know that I would not have received my answer from my Heavenly Father that he wants my husband and I to continue to work through our trials if there was no hope and if he didn't intend to help us through this every step of the way, however the KEY to receiving his help is to ask for it, to turn to him through prayer, and to have the strength to carry out whatever he asks of us.

*I struggle with praying daily, I don't know WHY, this is something that I am working on, but I do know that prayer is essential to communicating with our Father in Heaven, he WANTS us desperately to come to him through prayer, to thank him for our abundance of blessings, to ask for the things we are in need of, and to receive guidance from him.

*I know that my family loves me, they want me to be happy, and they will support me in my decisions. I also know that they trust me to know what is best for me and my children and that I will do what the Lord asks of me.

*I know that I can not change my husband, I have tried, it is not something I recommend! I also know that his addictions are not my fault. Many women that are married to a man that has a pornography addiction often think it is because of them, they feel like they are not good enough, or not sexual enough, or not attractive enough, I know this because I have experienced all of these feelings myself, but it is not true, it is NOT your fault.

*I know that addictions are REAL, every addict 'cycles', weather someone looks at pornography once a week, once a month, once a year, whatever their cycle may be, they are still addicted. Addicts almost always make excuses or justifications and just because their episodes of 'using' pornography may not be constant does not mean that it is not a problem, that it is not an addiction.

*I KNOW that I LOVE my husband, I WANT to get through this, I WANT to be his 'help mate', I KNOW that as we turn our lives over to the Lord that he will give us the strength and the tools to face these addictions (and the damage they have caused) head on. I also know that my husband will never completely BEAT these addictions, for a long time I wondered, 'when will this be over'?. As I am learning more about addiction and educating myself about the effects of addiction on a person and the damaging effects addiction has on a persons brain, I now know that this will NEVER be over. This is something my husband will struggle with for the rest of his life. That doesn't mean that my husband can't CONTROL his addictions instead of allowing them to control him, with the help of the Lord ALL things are possible. MY husband can get his life back, we CAN have a happy, healthy marriage and family, and I hope and pray we can get to a much better place!!

As long as my husband SHOWS me that he will continually work on controlling his addictions, as long as he will SHOW me that he is going to truly repent and turn his life

over to the Lord, and long as he SHOWS me that he will put our family first no matter

how hard that may be at times...

I will be HERE, holding his hand, encouraging him every step of the way!

Starting from Zero

2009-08-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

(Husband posting)

I have not posted a comment in quite a while. I would like to say i have been too busy and haven't had access to a computer but those are just excuses and I have found that as humans we have this great capacity to get the things done we really want to and make great excuses for the things that we don't. I have found in my life that truly if there is a will there is a way.
So what does it say about my will that i have not found a way to stop my addictions and bad habits over the last 7 years of my marriage? I have been alone and away from my family for sometime now and have had more time than anyone would want to think about all the mistakes and bad choices that have led my family and myself down this terrible road and into a place that is going to be very hard to get out of.
I haven't had a relapse for a while but i also haven't had access to pornography(i guess there is always a way to get it, but for me not without going very far out of my way so..i have been able to stay away from it for a while) but i don't feel like i have beat anything because I haven't really be face to face with it and had to try and JUST SAY NO!
What i really want to talk about is the way I feel about my current situation. I have lost confidence in myself. I have had all this time to think about what I have become. All the lies I have told myself have come crashing down and I have had to truly look into the mirror. I don't know about everybody but i think a lot of people have this picture of who they are and what they want to be. As an addict i had a very false picture of who i was, it was like i looked in the mirror and i had tricked myself into see who i wanted to be rather than who I was. That mirror has come crashing down. I can't believe the choices that I have made, but for the first time in I don't know how long i feel like i know who I am and I know where I need to go. I am done telling myself my addiction will just go away and I am ready to start taking steps to take control of my life. I know that this process is going to be long and hard but with the support of my Heavenly Father, my family, and my self I am hopeful that one day when I look in the mirror i will see the man i want to become.

I want to fall 'In Love' (Again)!

2009-08-26T11:36:00.000-07:00

(Wife posting)

Does anyone else dealing with a loved one with addictions ever feel like a fool? There are times where I feel foolish thinking that things will change. I love my husband so much and I so badly WANT him to change, but 6 years later we are still fighting the same fight (things have gotten better in certain areas, but addictions have also shifted from one thing to another), so why would things change now? I don't mean to sound so pessimistic since my previous post, but to be totally honest my heart is just hurting right now. I know that the Lord wants my husband and I to get through this, I know that I want us to get through this, but in a marriage there are TWO people and if each one is not equally as committed to Heavenly Father, the marriage, the family, and the gospel IT WILL NOT WORK.

As far as I know my husband has not gambled or looked at pornography in quit a long time, but the consequences of his addictions have spread far beyond those two issues. My husband has NEVER come forward with any of his problems on his own. Each time that I have found out about something it is because I have discovered it. After years of 'discovering' things I BEGGED my husband to just COME TO ME with his problems. I tried to explain to him that as painful as it is to hear that your husband is looking at pornography it would be so much better if he would talk to me about it so that we could get him the help he needs and work through it, having to find 'images' or 'websites' while getting on your computer, IS SO MUCH WORSE!!! My husband has lied to me so many times that there is virtually no trust in our marriage. TRUST is absolutely necessary for a marriage to be successful!!! A year ago I finally saw a glimmer of hope, after 3 years of me continually asking my husband to get help he set up an appointment for us to see a councilor. It wasn't that I couldn't have set up the appointment myself, but my husband had been PROMISING me for 3 years that he would take the initiative and set it up (I AM TIRED OF BROKEN PROMISES). And for 3 years I waited, and waited, and waited. I was (and still am) sick and tired of being the one 'dealing with HIS addictions', I need him to be the one to show me that it is a priority. Well after some serious pushing from me he finally did it. After our second visit with the councilor I was really starting to feel like we had made some progress. Then just a few days after that visit I discovered through some very upsetting turn of events that my husband had been gambling every day for 2 1/2 months, he had been lying to me about where he was and what he was doing, he had gambled away over $10,000... I was crushed, my heart was broken (AGAIN), the small glimmer of hope I had was gone. HOW could he do that, how could he lie to me EVERY DAY about EVERYTHING? How could he put on a facade that he was 'working on things', go as far as to go to counseling with me, all while living a HUGE LIE? Honestly there are still days that I think to my self, 'did that REALLY happen'. As PAINFUL as it has been to be married to a man that is addicted to pornography, knowing that he lied to me everyday for 2 1/2 months, knowing that he gambled away every last penny we had, knowing that he chose his addictions over his family, LOOSING ALL TRUST, was SO MUCH more painful!!! Over the last year since finding out about my husbands addiction to gambling we have had one trial after another, we have had a job loss- which resulted in the loss of investments, having to short sale our home, and move to a new state, on top of our financial issues we have had some very serious trials within our families as well. It has been a year of years, just when we feel like we have climbed a mountain we get to the top only to realize there are 10 more mountains to go.

I so badly want to look forward to the future, I WANT things to be better, I NEED things to be better, but after all the hurt and lies it is hard to have FAITH that things will work out. I want to move past all the HURT, but how can I when I feel like at any moment I could have another bombshell go off on me? I have FAITH that I will make it through no matter what the outcome, but it is not up to me wither or not my husband beats his addictions, IT IS UP TO HIM. It is so hard not having control over the situation, it is hard to not be able to fix it. I want our Happily Ever After. I want things to be the way they should be!!! I know that we are given trials in life to help us grow, to bring us closer to the Savior, and to help us understand in a very small way the pain the Savior felt while atoning for our sins, and for those reasons I am incredibly grateful for my trials. But on the other hand, these trials are so hard to bear, there are many times that I feel like giving up.

I love my husband very much, but sadly I am not 'in love' with him right now. I WANT to be IN LOVE with him again, but it is so hard to feel that way towards someone who has hurt you so deeply. I don't want to play the only victim in these trials, because these trials are just as much a challenge and a burden for my husband as they are for me (just in different ways). I think that any woman who has experienced their husband having problems with pornography can relate to the feelings I have. There are times that I don't feel like I am good enough, that my body isn't good enough, that I am not pretty enough. I KNOW that it is not because of me that my husband has struggled with pornography, but when you are going through it, it is SO HARD to not feel incredibly self concise! Addictions do not only effect the person who is addicted, they effect everyone who loves them. Addiction to pornography robs a marriage of true intimacy and if you are an addict, you are a liar, it is impossible to separate the two. I want a marriage and a husband that is free from the chains of addiction, addiction creeps into every aspect of your life and takes over. Addiction is the Devils advocate, a marriage is to be between a man, a woman, and our Heavenly Father, there is no place for addiction in a marriage or in someones life, when you have addiction in your life you are allowing Satan to control you.

I KNOW exactly where my negative, hopeless feelings are coming from, Satan does not want my husband and I to be happy, he does not want us to beat this, and he is working double time on us right now because he knows we are vulnerable. As much as being apart from my husband has been a good thing in many ways, it is also one of the hardest things I have had to do. I have felt so much peace from the Lord but I have also felt Satan pulling me down at every turn. I will NOT let him take over my life, that is the one thing I have control over right now and no matter what I will stay true to myself, the Lord, and my testimony. Without the GOSPEL I would be so lost!

***Please feel free to leave your comments, you can leave them anonymously, I want this to be a place where people can feel free to talk about addiction openly. Addiction is such a tough subject, and not one that is openly talked about.***

To My Husband,

I love you! I WANT 'US' BACK!!! I miss you! I haven't written these things today to hurt you more, I have written them to help me to deal with our trials, I have written them so that you will be able to realize the magnitude of these problems, I have also written them to reach out to others who are going through our same FIGHT, to let them know that they are not alone and that there is someone who understands what they are going through. I am excited and scared for us to be together again. I can't wait to see our kids run and jump into your arms, they love you so much, YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD DAD! I can't wait to have you wrap your arms around me and tell me that we are GOING to get through this, I can't wait to hold your hand, I can't wait to kiss your lips, I can't wait to work on falling back in love- To me loving someone is a feeling, a deep emotion, *I LOVE YOU* there is NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT, being 'in love' is an ACTION, I think that to be IN LOVE in a marriage takes WORK & EFFORT, and I am ready and willing, BUT I AM SCARED, scared of being hurt and disappointed again.

I am proud of you for the progress you have made and the positive changes you are making in your life. I KNOW you can and will beat this if you will (if we will) turn our lives over to the Lord. We CAN NOT DO THIS WITHOUT HIM!!

Love,
Your Wife

A Love Letter

2009-08-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Hubby,
.
I love you SO MUCH! Being away from you for so long hurts so bad, I miss you and I need you in my life. As hard as this past month and a half has been, I am grateful for our time apart. I am not only grateful for the humility you have shown while the kids and I have been away but I am grateful for the answers that I have received from Heavenly Father about the choices I am to make. I have struggled for so long now to know if I should stay married to you, my heart has been broken so many times and I am so scared of the pattern continuing for the rest of our lives. I have never not wanted to be married to you, but I want things to be different and I am fearful that day may never come. I KNOW you can beat this, with help from the Lord you can rid your self of these ugly addictions that have taken over our life. I KNOW we are meant to be together, I didn't know that before I left. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father has answered that question for me. I love you, I love our children, and I want our Eternal Family to be together forever. It is time that you step up to the plate and LET Satan know that we will not go down with out a fight, he WILL NOT WIN THIS BATTLE!

I am truly sorry for not handling these trails in a more Christ like way. I not only hurt for myself but I hurt for you, I don't want you to have these addictions, I want you to be FREE from this. I don't like the person that I have become through all of this, these addictions, this evil has crept into my life as well. I have bitterness and anger that I need to overcome. I am grateful that dispite the times I have yelled, screamed, and balled in anger, hurt, and pain you have never once raised your voice to me or have called me a horrible name, you have always been there to hold me and comfort me. I wish that I could say the same, I wish I could have had the strength to handle all of this without so much anger. I know that we can do this together, if we truly turn our lives over to the Lord and put things in HIS HANDS, we CAN BEAT THIS!

I can't wait to see you, I am counting down the days! Our kids miss there DADDY so much, this has been so hard on them! I wish that they could have seen you throughout this time apart, but I know that you needed to be completely alone to truly grasp the magnitude of what could be lost. I need you to know that you are an incredible man, you are an amazing father, our children absolutely adore you, there little hearts are wishing for their daddy so much. You have the ability to do anything, be anything you want to be, I can't wait to see what you do with that. I admire your optimistic attitude on life, it doesn't matter how bad it gets, your glass is always half full. You are my Best Friend, One True Love, and Eternal Companion, despite all we have been through, I can't imagine my life without you! I am excited for our fresh start, a new job, a new home, a chance to start over.

With love,

Your Wife

A Time To Reflect

2009-08-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

(Wife posting)

This summer I have had the opportunity to spend most of the summer traveling to see family and friends. The choice to leave my husband behind (he HAS to work), while the kids and I travel was not an easy one. I love my husband, I want us to be together, and it makes me sad that we are not with him. My kids miss him so much, I MISS HIM SO MUCH! But as I have had some time to think this all over I have come to realize that the Lord has played a big part in how all of our summer plans played out. I am grateful for this brake, this time apart to reflect on where we are in our lives and marriage. My husband needed this, he needed to be COMPLETELY alone to realize what he could potentially be giving up if he doesn't make some very serious life changes.

When I first found out that my husband had a very serious addiction to gambling (on top of the Pornography) it just about RIPPED my heart right out. I remember thinking over and over "things are bad enough, why THIS too". Never in our marriage have I ever had to worry if my husband was going to provide for us financially and then in an instant what little amount of trust I had left in my husband was completely gone. It is hard to describe in words the feelings I had (the feelings I am still having), I felt so completely hopeless. After counseling with our AMAZING Bishop (who has was our Bishop for 5 out of the 6 years that I have known about my husbands addictions) he told my husband that he felt it was best that the kids and I left for AWHILE so that my husband could fully understand what he could loose if he doesn't change. I knew that I needed to leave, but it was so much harder than I thought it would be to follow through. You would think with the amount of anger I had about the situation that it wouldn't be so hard to do. I ended up leaving for 2 weeks. I was so scared to leave him with the fear that as soon as we were gone he would go right back to the gambling. While the kids and I were away my husband and I had various talks about how over those 2 weeks he needed to focus on what life would be like without us. I think that our 2 week brake did have some what on an impact on him, but I don't think that it was long enough.

My husband has now been home alone, working for the past 5 weeks while the kids and I have been traveling. He doesn't have a computer or cable (he doesn't pick up any tv channels either) and he is in new place where we don't really know anyone. The past 5 weeks have been SO HARD on him. I feel bad for him being there all alone, I really do, but HE NEEDED THIS and I NEEDED this. Surprisingly as much as I miss him and miss our family being together, I have felt so much strength from the Lord throughout this time apart. I feel like my husband is FINALLY starting to GET IT. We have spent hours upon hours on the phone these last 5 weeks and I can feel the humility from him. My husband is not a man who cry's, HARDLY EVER. I can think of a handful of times throughout our marriage where I have seen him cry. These past few weeks he has called me in tears multiple times. And as much as it brakes my heart to know he is in pain, I feel like it is time he faced his mistakes head on.

For quit awhile now I have been very unsure if I even WANT to stay in this marriage. I have been hurt so many times that I have started to believe that the hurting and disappointments will never end. In the beginning I had so much faith that my husband could change and be free from his addictions, but over the past few years of repeated trials, I have slowly started to loose faith. I KNOW that my husband CAN beat this, but I don't know if he will make the choice to do so. After this time apart I feel like my husband is closer to being on the road to recovery than he ever has been in the past. A councilor that we have met with told us that, "Just because you aren't exactly where you want to be in your life, doesn't mean that it isn't important that you are on the right road to get there, and more importantly you need to make sure you are going the right direction on that road." I have thought about what he said over and over again and he is so right. In life I think we are rarely EXACTLY where we want to be, but it is all about making the right choices, holding on to the "IORN ROD", and making progress.

I am so grateful for this opportunity I have had to REFLECT on my life and my marriage. I have done some serious soul searching these last five weeks and I feel like I am in a much better place than I was just a few weeks ago. I have had a new confirmation to my self of how much I love my husband and how much I WANT to be with him. I have also realized that I have the ability to do so many things that I never thought I could do on my own. I'm no longer scared to be a single mother, I pray that it never comes to that, but if it does I know the Lord will give me the strength and courage to continue on. I am going to do everything that I CAN to make my marriage work, to show Christ-like compassion toward my husband, I am going to turn my life over to the Lord completely and put things in his hands. I know that I can't MAKE my husband change, but I can do everything I possibly can to make the right choices. My husband has to make his own choices, I WANT HIM TO CHOOSE US, but if he doesn't at least I can say that I did everything I possibly could to make it work!

-Feel free to email us any time spirituallyfit09@gmail.com

It's been awhile

2009-06-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

(wife posting again)
It has been quit awhile since my husband or I have posted. We have had a lot going on lately, a big move, job change, etc... For now I thought I would post, but my husband plans to post within the next few days as well, he has just been very busy with work.

I am doing okay, I have mostly good days, but there are some bad days as well. Stressful situations seem to at times make things harder, and we sure have had our fair share of "stress" lately. There are a lot of reminders in daily life, a commercial, a billboard, etc... that at times can bring up a wave of emotions. I need to work on focusing on the good rather than the bad. But those that have experienced trials similar to ours I'm sure know how difficult it can be to not let things remind you of the pain that you are experiencing. I want other wives/husbands out there that are married to someone with addictions to know that they are NOT ALONE in how they are feeling. Just like having an addiction is a trial, being married to a person with addictions is a trial. There are some days that I don't know why I am still here and want out! But there are days that I feel humility, remorse, and strength from my husbands desires to change and it gives me hope. I can feel my Father in Heavens love for me, I know that he wants both my husband and I to get through this, he wants us to grow closer to him and to the Savior, and he wants us to move past this. I can feel the spirit in those dark moments and that is what reminds me of why I am still here and why I am still trying!

I hope that if you are suffering from addictions your self or if someone you love is suffering from addictions that you will reach out for help. Turn to the Lord in your time of need, pray, read your scriptures, attend your church meetings, give service to others, magnify your callings and go to the temple. These things are SO HARD to do when you are going through enormous trials, trust me I KNOW!! But the Lord allows us to go through trials so that we can learn, grow, and become closer to him. I am learning these things for myself (slowly but surely), I have so much work that I need to do and I pray that the Lord can give me the strength to accomplish these things.

Please feel free to email me anytime- spirituallyfit09@gmail.com

ps- Has anyone heard of the Life Star Program? I don't know much about it, but have heard that it is a program specifically for those that suffer from Pornography (or other sexual) Addictions and their spouses. We are looking into the program and considering doing it together. I would love some input if anyone knows anything about it.

Their website is- http://www.lifestarnetwork.org/

From The Wife's Perspective

2009-04-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

I want to start out by saying that I am very happy that my husband started this blog. I really think that it will be a great tool for us to try to work through the enormous obstacles that we are currently facing. We are really hoping that through this blog we can help other people that might find them selves in a similar situation. I have spent a lot of time thinking about "how" we are going to help other people when we are struggling so much. I want to be a success story. I want to be THAT couple who through turning of lives over to the Lord got through it. I want to be happy and in love again. We are not there, but I truly believe that we could be if we take the steps necessary to get there. For now I hope that when other people read this blog that it will give them strength to keep trying and to know that they are NOT alone. But in the future I hope that people will be able to come to this blog and read about a couple who made it through the biggest trial of their lives (so far) and are whole again.

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with these trials for me has been how alone I have felt. I have known about my husbands addictions for about 6 years now (majority of our marriage). I have felt very alone and helpless throughout most of this time. There are a few of our family members that know about my husbands addictions but I have found that talking to them has not been a big help for me. I'm not saying that talking to a family member might not be a good thing for someone else, but in my case it really didn't help. I feel like family members are to emotionally connected and it is hard for them to hear about what you are going through because they don't want you to be hurting.

I know that I need to turn to prayer more often and that if I would that I could gain a lot of peace in dealing with my trials. For some reason prayer has really been something I am struggling with to do consistently. I want to change that! I want to grow closer to the Lord through prayer. Speaking with our Bishop has been a HUGE help for me. Our Bishop is one of the most amazing men that I have ever met. He has helped my husband and I tremendously and I am so grateful that he has been there for us during these difficult times. Another thing that has really helped me was to talk to my husbands best friend about our situation. I debated for a long time weather or not I should go to his friend (our friend:) and tell him about what was going on, but I KNEW that telling him was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do. I think that telling his friend was not just to help me, but to help my husband. My husband would have never told his friend on his own and now he can go to him for help if he needs to.

I want all of the wives out there to know that they are NOT alone. There are so many of us that are experiencing them same trials and heartache that you are. If you ever need someone to talk to PLEASE feel free to email me- spirituallyfit09@gmail.com

Right now with all that we are dealing with I feel like I tend to focus on my husbands short comings rather than his strengths. I want him to KNOW how much I really do love him. I would not have stayed in this marriage if I didn't love him. We are at a crossroad in our marriage, I have had ENOUGH and he has to choose, Our Family or the Addictions? I hope and pray he chooses us!! I KNOW that he can be the man he was MEANT to be. My husband is incredibly smart, he is an amazing father, a born leader, and aside from the addictions a great husband and friend. I truly believe that he can do anything and be anything that he wants to be. I have never met someone with so much talent in so many different areas. I am READY to see him take those talents and be the amazing man that I know he is capable of being.

The Never Ending Loop

2009-04-06T07:45:00.001-07:00

I don't know how many people out there find themselves in a never ending cycle that they cannot get out of? I am sure there are people that don't even realize that they are in one. I can honestly say I want out of mine. My relationship with my wife is in the same loop as my addictions and has been for some time. I don't know how many more times we can have the same arguments and the same conversations. I know what i need to do! We argue, she gets mad over all the same things that she has been mad about for years, I feel like she can't get past anything, she feels like I am not doing anything different to change our situation, I feel like I am doing things and she just isn't seeing them, she feels like I am doing the minimum, I realize she is right as usual, I humble myself and apologize and make promises she has heard a thousand times, I start out excited to make changes and really show her I am serious and going to do it, and then before I know it we are back to the beginning.

I have been able to avoid my addictions for some time now but I think the key word there is AVOID. My wife knows it and so do I. They are not gone and just like every so often over the last 15 years we are both waiting for something to happen to take us back to square one. Thus I am in a holding pattern, a repeating cycle, and if I don't get help soon I am heading for another crash that I am sure will finally end my marriage so....

Step 1 - Admit that you have an addition and alone you are completely powerless to stop it and that your life is out of control and unmanageable.

Its time to really do the things that I have been promising to do for 6 years. I don't know what will be different, I don't know why I will finally be able to do It this time, but I know this time I am not going to try to do it alone. I am going to rely on the Lord, my friends, and my wife(that is very easy to write and I pray that I can really do it).

From the Beginning

2009-03-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

How did I get here? I guess I have to go back to the beginning to really see how. When did I first become addicted to pornography? I'm really not sure but it wasn't something I saw coming or wanted to admit for a long time.

Going back to the beginning I would have to say that it was through seeing R rated movies as a kid. We had the movie "Commando" before I was 9 and I can remember a small part in the film where the actors are fighting in a hotel room and break through the wall into the next room and a girl pops out of the sheets topless. I can remember watching that scene over and over with my friends. What I didn't know then that I know now is those images where the start to an addiction that has plagued me since I was 16.( I am now in my 30's)

My addiction was mostly to "R" rated movies. I looked for the ones that seemed to be filled with as much skin and illicit behavior as possible. I would wait until everyone was asleep and then pull them out from underneath my mattress and go watch them. This continued until just before my mission(LDS members are encouraged to serve a mission for the Church for 2 years, typically from the age of 19 - 21) For those glorious 2 years I was focused and able to refrain from relapses into pornography. I thought I had it beat and returned from my mission with a false sense of safety. Within a couple of months I was into Internet pornography and online chatting. I was single and although I knew what I was doing was wrong I wasn't ready to give up the "high" I got from my digressions. My pornography addiction affected my church attendance and soon I was skipping out when ever possible. I started falling behind in my classes at school. I found my actions and focus was getting as much "action" (the clothes stayed on)as possible with as many girls as I could. It was the only thing that I cared about. Looking back I think I was addicted to kissing girls, and the "high" came from trying to find the next girl, but underneath it all I was still looking at pornography and doing "other things" while I watched. Those feeling I was generating inside me soon took me further down the path of degradation than I ever thought I would go. My addiction took away my moral compass and my sensitivity to the spirit. It left me alone to face Satan and the temptations he was throwing at me. I was of course no match and soon gave in. I fell of a spiritual cliff. It woke me up to what I was doing and brought me back to activity in the church, but I wasn't ready to really face my addiction and because I didn't deal with them the way I should have with in months I was back to my old ways. This life would have continued up and down for who knows how long but God sent me an angel and I was able to somewhat clean up my life and get married.

I thought that marriage was the answer. I was in love and happy. I thought that combining those two things with the fact I was able to finally take part in the scared act of creation without guilt and in the approved arena meant I would be free from my addictions forever and for a time I was. The fact that I had never admitted to anyone including myself (except half heartily to my bishop) that I was truly addicted to pornography didn't seem to matter and I was able to walk away from it without a real scratch. WRONG. After a while I was back to looking at pornography and hiding it from the person I loved most. She of course found out and after a while even though I broke her heart she forgave me and I promised to stop. I told myself that I would and for a while I did but just like always after a while I let my guard down and I was back to my old habits. She found out again and this cycle repeated itself again and again.

My wife could only take so much and after my addiction turned to gambling as well she left me. She didn't move out of the house or have me move out of the house but I saw that I had become a different person to her and she was leaving me emotionally. I was moving out of her heart. I don't know when it was I finally started to wake up but thank goodness it was before it was too late(I hope).

Today. Here I am. I am a recovering addict. Pornography, Gambling, lying, and who knows what other habits I am trying to recover from. I don't show my emotions and and hate talking about it. So I have found this medium as hopefully an outlet to help myself and others. I haven't "given in" to my habits for some time but I am scared that it will happen again and what that might mean for my family. I am done ignoring my problems and ready to face today and do what I have to to make it to tomorrow clean and free from my addictions.

Recovering From Addictions

If you saw me on the street...

Webisode: Why pornography shatters relationships

Self Confidence (wife posting)

LIES Feed Addiction (wife posting)

Selfish

Scary Statistic...

(wife posting)

Out in the light... Women Against Pornography

ksl.com- Impact of Pornography

ksl.com article and segment on effects of Pornography

LEAD ME... (wife posting)

Forgiveness: My Burden Was Made Light

Thoughts... (wife posting)

{Wife Posting}

march maddness!!!

Time for a POST

Super Bowl Sunday

Where does the time go??? (Wife Posting)

The New Year's Resolution

Amazing Strength

Covenant Eyes

good days and BAD DAYS

I Love You!

WOW!

A picture worth a THOUSAND words...

Vigilance

*A MUST READ*

inspiration

Are YOU a Warrior? (or not)

The Past and Procrastination

WONDERFUL MESSAGE!

Developing and Teaching Self-Mastery

This is a GREAT video, watch it!!!

A few thoughts...

Tough Decisions

Words To Live By...

The Loop

I'm Scared

A BIG step in the RIGHT direction

New day, Same BATTLE

"May God Help Us"

Starting from Zero

I want to fall 'In Love' (Again)!

A Love Letter

A Time To Reflect

It's been awhile

From The Wife's Perspective

The Never Ending Loop

From the Beginning

A MUST READ